Skyfall..Poofall. The Guy who shat his pants..on a date

                                                           Based on a True Story.

The parking lot was filled with the buzz of florescent lights. The digital watch on the dashboard, flickers the time, it reads 20: 50 pm. Young lovers stroll past the car oblivious to the impending doom which had almost been averted. Fixed eyes remained locked on the entrance of Cavendish Square. Although calm, his pounding heart reveals that the years of training had only left him ill prepared. His lower back still strained as a result of the trauma which it had been subjected to, he bites the pain to reach for his mobile phone. He manages to dial the number, it rings. Before passing out, he faintly utters his last words....."I just shat my pants".

2 Hours Earlier:

The sounds of iron hitting the ground, filled the chlorine tinged air of the Virgin Active gym. He had to push through his last set of bicep curls. A smile swept across his face as he caught the reflection of glimpses of other admiring gym goers. Tonight was the night he had been waiting for, all the hard work will finally be paying off, and blowing off some steam just before his big date was just what he needed. The flashing red light of his blackberry alerts him to the fact that he now needs to finish up his session. The need to look good far exceeded the risk of being late, and he continued his workout whilst tossing back a few more chocolate flavoured protein shakes.

1 Hour Earlier:

A new Cotton On v-neck had been the order of the day and a fitted jeans with new shoes had sealed the deal. Biceps were pumped, clothing looked sharp, and he was ready to go. A quick glance at the latest news had ensured that he had enough ammo to destroy any awkward silences. Motivational audio tapes played in the background and a new pine scented air freshener dangled from the rear view mirror as our hero made his way to the mall. He knew that his date had been dropped off and looked for the furthest parking bay available. This was done in the hope of ensuring maximum amount of hand holding and occasional boob grazes. 

30 Minutes Earlier:

There she was; a name gasped in the night, the one last word of a dying man, but one word that tells a thousand stories, a woman, who left her mark on everyman she met, she had more to offer a man in a glance than most women give in a lifetime, she knew what she wanted, and wasn't too particular how she got it, loving her was like shaking hands with the devil, and our hero was under her spell.

The movie was about to start and there was no need to rush for seats, as bookings were already made in advance. An opportunity such as this was not to be squandered and nothing other than strategically placed Love Bird seats would suffice, the absence of the arm-rests once again ensured a maximum amount of hand holding and potential boob grazes.

15 Minutes Earlier: 

The occasionally locking of eyes during scenes had  been a definitive sign that this was set out to be a date like no other. One could only question whether they had actually paid for a 4D Movie, the  temperature began to increase and the ground started to rumble, there was something brewing deep inside our hero. Something beautiful was about to happen. Our heroes date was due to witness the birth of a 5kg chocolate flavoured protein baby. It felt as though a evil menace had placed a bomb on our heroes colon. It was set to blow at any moment.

5 Minutes Earlier:

Suddenly his training kicked in;

Observation:

The moments ticked away and it was only a matter of time before every man, woman and child in the movie theater would be covered in shit. He had to think quickly and this was no longer a time for thinking, but a time for acting. Before any actor can portray his character, he would need to grasp the severity of his external condition. Observation would be key, and after surveying the area. It had been noted that his dates popcorn had been running low. He grabbed the box whilst exclaiming that it was of utmost importance that it is to be filled. After a quizzical look, the alibi had succeeded. A new challenge had emerged. The wonderful Love Nest seats had been neatly tucked in the corner of the theater, and a varied number of innocent bystanders stood between his current location and the closest co-ordinates of the nearest toilet. A game of Russian Roulette was about to be played. If anything was to erupt, their lives would merely be classified as collateral damage. Each shimmy past a innocent cinema goer, brought a sigh of relief.


2.5 Minutes Earlier:


In a photo finish he makes his way to the bathroom. The pack of popcorn gets flung to one corner as he scrambles to undo the buckles of his pants. Just like the calm before the storm, the world falls silent. The sweet sounds of Michael Bolton resonates through the bathroom speakers and suddenly...nothing. Could this have been a false alarm? Was this all just another test by the agency?

Whilst in the bathroom. He thanks the Lord Jehovah all mighty, and thinks it strange how at moments of crisis one turns to pray for salvation.

He then stares at himself in the bathroom mirror after washing his hands. Flexes his biceps and makes his way back to the movie.

Just when his foot hit the second step of the bathroom exit. Satan came knocking, and the roars of the 5kg Protein Baby came back to life. The demon was to emerge from the pits of the abyss to encapsulate and engulf all those in its path. Such vigor could only be held captive by the sphincter of our heroes anus. As he staggered towards a nearby toilet booth, the psychological pain was subjected to further turmoil as there was no toilet paper in the booth. Tears made its way down his face...time stood still..the flowing of tears..was then met..by the release...of the 5KG PROTEIN BABY !!

Cotton-On Vneck, fitted jeans, socks, shoes, blackberry....parking ticket..

Nothing was spared.

Present time:

Sitting in the car.

Shellshock....

The sounds of screaming soccer moms flashes across the battered mind of our now defeated hero. For they, had been subjected to the sight of a shit covered arsehole galloping across the shimmering floors of Cavendish Square.

No memorials will be held, no songs will be sung. The 21-gun salute will be put to rest.

Only two thoughts now reside in our heroes mind;

1) Is his date still waiting for the popcorn?

and

2) Will this dangling pine covered air freshener be enough to camouflage the smell of defeat?

 The End

@CapeBandit

"Nice Girls"..The Mermaids of 2012, they will sing you a song & then eat your brains

It was a Thursday evening and the club was packed, the 2012 hail Mary of tracks aka YOLO was blasting through the speakers. A tear ran down my cheek, or that's what I thought it was. It was no tear, the saliva of a nearby barking chick found its way onto my face. Never mind a few shots of patron I needed a rabies shot from the closest SPCA. The worlds most passive aggressive demon eyes were about to be unleashed! Just then, this immaculately dressed anomaly floated past. She seemed unperturbed by any male advances as she made her way towards me. This was it, the hundreds of approaches Iv made was soon going to pay off. A gift to the most deserving student of the game. Obviously, she had seen my dilemma and was approaching to offer her bosom as salvation. Alas, I was standing in a walkway and it was no secret that she had to pass my way in order to get to the other side of the club. 

I noticed that she had been scouring the club in search of something. If it was elegant, sophisticated well mannered human beings she was looking for, it was my job to inform her that her search was in vein. As this strangely aristocratic specimen brushed up against me, the Shakespeare in me wanted to proclaim to her that "love hath made thee a tame snake". 

Luckily my better senses kicked in, as I turned around to question if she was lost. She responded by saying that she was looking for her friends. I did not know who her friends were but I proceeded to sarcastically inform her that they had left, and that they said she should sit and chat with me. We spoke of life's great trivialities and mysteries, before she floated off again I suggested that we exchange contact details and she obliged. 

The next day I had a Cheshire cat grin on my face as I have defeated the odds to actually come across a "Nice Girl" in the clubs. This was going to be the last Hoorah before I retire from the game. I was looking forward to updating my Blackberry status with Michael Bolton lyrics and avant-garde hipster profile pictures. Before any of this could come to fruition I had to send her a message which could get the ball rolling. So I opted to make some reference to the previous night. Her response was grammatically flawless and suspiciously polite. Compliments were noted by a gracious "Thank you." and it became apparent that I was dealing with a individual of exceptional pedigree. I whipped out my Oxford dictionary, tuxedo, top hat, cane and slave as my journey into the age of sophisticated High Tea's and croquet would soon begin. The mermaids song had been sung and I was hooked.

 

I was smitten, and the sweet trappings of friendliness had blinded me to the obvious doomed fate which awaited me...Queue the bagpipes... I had been seduced into limbo, more terrifying than Davy Jones Locker, a zone which could not be charted nor escaped...A zone known as the......  

Some of you might be wondering exactly what being a "Nice Girl" would entail. If you are reading this after stumbling out of some random guys bed, you might as well stop reading right now. 

The Quintessential Nice Girl is;

* Modest

* Elegant

* Respectful

* Meticulous

* Articulate

* Intelligent

* Dignified

I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I do believe that spells...M.E.R.M.A.I.D! Coincidence? I think not! 

Mermaids just like Nice Girls are mythical creatures who have escaped prying eyes for thousands of years. Many a man has embarked on great weekend adventures to have his name echoed for all eternity for accomplishing the unthinkable task of coming into contact with such a majestic enigma. Mermaids are known to sing enchanting songs to seduce their prey before devouring their brains. Sailors were weary of their existance for their true form was unknown to the common man.

I will now expose a interesting characteristic that many if not all Nice Girls/Mermaids have in common..

They usually only have one friend

If ever they are spotted, do not be fooled. They hunt in pairs and there's a very good chance that her friend will not be a Mermaid, more likely to take the form of a  Psychrolutes marcidus or Blobfish (inhibits deep sea waters and is rarely touched or seen by humans). So it is advised that your crewman keep a look out for Blobfish looking to destroy your game.

"You totally shouldn't be speaking to my friend right now" Blobfish

There is no hope for me, my fate has been sealed. You might still have a fighting chance. Sing songs of my plight and pass this message on to fallen comrades for their efforts would not have been in vein as....

@CapeBandit

Friday ThunderBirds: Tribute to the unsung Heroes of the Night

Tries to Photobomb...ends up creepin

I would like to start this weeks issue of Friday: Thunderbirds with a poem by Walterrean Salley....for this week.. we shall tribute the unsung heroes of the night... 

Legends come,
And legends go.
Many that we
Do not know.
They’re not heralded
By a 'band.'
Nor flaunted by
Some magic wand.
Their names
We may never know,
But unsung heroes
Do they go.

These individuals live to the beat of their own drum. They do not follow the heard, instead they create new paths for others to walk upon. Unsung heroes of the night go out of their way to ensure that they are in every one of your pictures. This is not about vanity people.. this is about making your future facebook and blackberry profile pictures the best that they can be....and for this..we salute you.

 

 "O, hey there! Excuse me whilst steal your limelight"

 

"She said she loved me..I just left to go to the bar to get her a drink.... and now I come back to find her arms around another man....It must be his Beads...women love beads"

If only our man had read Bandits post about "M.I.B>>>Men in Beads..what women really want"

                                             This chick could lick you from a mile away!

                                         
                                              "Look bro...its not Gay if its in a three-way"

Something tells me that this was a girls night out and our good man over there will definitely be tagged on facebook as "OMG, who was that guy"....Who is he..do you really want to know.. he is... a unsung hero of the night!

                                 You Know this song started playing as soon as they took this pic!!!

OH OH OH OH OH...
You got a 100 dollar bill put yo' hands up
You got a 50 dollar bill put yo' hands up
You got a 20 dollar bill put yo' hands up
You got a 10 dollar bill put yo' hands up
Single ladies
I can't hear ya'll
Single ladies
Make noise!
Single ladies
I can't hear ya'll
Single ladies
Make noise! 

                                 "Ooooh Yeah....That roofy should be kicking in any minute now"

                     
                   "Come out to the club they said, they wont play that fucking YOLO song they said"

                                         
                                         Ladies.............Welcome to The Gun Show...BOOOOM

 "What the hell am I doing here? I cant believe I'm missing Vamp Diaries for this place...and who the hell is trying to touch my breasts??"

 I know this post is supposed to be about the peeps in the background, but I must give credit whenever its due! Those are banging beads soldier!

As for the chicks, those two are definitely judging her boyfriends ex!

 "I don't always come out to clubs to perv at women, but when I do I make sure I'm wearing my creeping glasses"

                          "MMMMMMMMMM YUMMMMMMY......GET IN MY BELLY!!!!!!!!"


@CapeBandit

Shoutout to all the Annoying Couples

An Annoying Couple(AC) can be defined as two individuals who consistently go out of their way to show the world over facebook, blackberry messenger statuses and twitter how much they love each other. Their sole purpose is to ensure that YOU, yes YOU are made aware of their undying "love" every 10 minutes of the day. I implore each and every one of you to go out there and find your very own Annoying Couple.Add them on BBM, find them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter! This is very important, as I will now disclose how these idiotic expressions of love will indeed be moving this country forward. 

In the run up to the South African presidential election campaign, there are many issues which need to be addressed, one of the most contentious challenges is that of unemployment amongst the youth. The country is rife with unplanned teenaged pregnancy and the number of young people who are dropping out of school to support their new families are on the rise. Now I am not suggesting that I am indeed a political socioeconomic genius, but problems such as this require drastic and innovative solutions. The key to prosperity lies in the hands of ACs. They are doing a great service to the country as they forgo their constitutional rights to privacy and dignity in order to illustrate and characterize a play by play view of arbitrary co-dependent attention seeking approval needing superficial relationships. 

Now some of you might be questioning how exactly a AC can be identified, below I have listed two key characteristics which may aid you in your search;

The "I'm so deep because I have song lyrics as Profile Pictures" Annoying Couple:

ACs have a unique ability to express their feelings to one another not through speech but through the use of highly advanced lyrics imposed onto sombre hipsterish backgrounds.One can always assess the mood of each AC by studying the content of each profile picture and the frequency at which it changes.

Like OMG...thats sooooo Deep

So keep an eye out for couples who vicariously communicate their passive aggression for one another through quotes by Drake and Lil Wayne. 

The "I"m in a relationship, so I must be Shakespeare" Annoying Couple:

Einstein + Shakespeare= Anonymous individual who might or might not be named Chad Fourie

Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.

The feeling of love has inspired many prolific writers such as Oscar Wilde, Shakespeare,John Keats and many more. It has been a great pleasure of mine to come into contact with one of Cape Towns most prolific AC poet, he has disgraced the sanctum of manhood and for that reason would like to remain anonymous, so for the purpose of anonymity I shall refer to him as Chad Fourie. 

Below, are some of the great Masterpiece Facebook Statuses by "Chad Fourie";

* "When the eagles forgot how to fly and its 20 below in July and when violets turn red and the roses turn blue ill still be in love with you." 

* "I never knew such a day would come and I never knew such a love could be inside one. I never knew what my life was for now that you're here I know for sure......Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes :-) "

* "I know the way I feel for you will never pass, oh yes its going to stand the test of time. So your search for love is about to end, your future holds a place where true love begins"

* "Is all for one person in the world ........The key is yours.....You own the treasure chest....Keep it close to you :P"

* "I love you, ill love you all along...I miss you...you are far away for too long..I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go :).....I stop breathing when I do not see you anymore"

* "I want you to know , that if I could fly, I would pick you up into the night and show you love like you never seen,everseen!!!!" 

AAAAAAAAAAAAND MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE ................

*   "Gosh seeing you makes all other beauty in the world seem as if they're all different shades of grey while you stick out like a kaleidoscope of all colours in the world.....a Kaleidoscope of Awesomeness"

.......Yes...he said Kaleidoscope of Awesomeness..........

After many months of research it has been discovered that for every 1 post, status update and tweet  made by an AC, 10 young individuals pick up a textbook to improve their chances of finding more intellectually meaningful and rewarding relationships.

That's a 1:10 ratio people. We need to do this not only for ourselves...but for the children...
 

Viva la Revolution !

@CapeBandit

Bandit went to Thailand. Pulled Chicks, drank Beer & wrote a Blog post: Part 1

The question of whether a mortal male could withstand over 15hrs worth of flying in economy class seats had been put to the test. It had however been proven over and over that the human race can go beyond its limits when provided with the right motivation. In this particular case the picturesque beaches of Phuket and never ending parties fueled the endurance that was later rewarded with memories which might raise more than just a few eyebrows. 

The trick to uncomfortable economy class seats is to find the most efficient method which allows you to rest your head whilst still scouting the cleavage of passing Malaysian Air hostesses. 13 hours later we arrived in Phuket. We were welcomed by the demonic look of Asian custom officials; just their presence alone raised the suspicion that you might be executed for having Panados in your possession. Even though we were all paranoid, it was already tacitly agreed that we would go on without anyone who was pulled over by immigration agents.

We were then whisked away en route to our uber chic hotel called the Centra Ashlee in Patong. Our non compliant Thai driver seemed to be unresponsive to any questions relating to tourist activities. However when the words Bangla Road was mentioned his eyes immediately glazed over. For Bangla Road was not to be taken lightly.

We had only 9 days to leave our mark on Thailand.

The beaches and scenery were truly amazing, however I do believe you could go on any travel site and get further information regarding the various tourist destinations. So I will be providing a overview of what is truly important to any young jet setter - Drinks, Chicks and Clubs !

1) The Drinks

The first of many rules in Thailand is that you DO NOT attempt to sell or indulge in any form of narcotics. If you think they're kidding. Try it and you'll be executed before you've managed to whimper out "Mom.....I'm in a Thai Prison". However there is a give and take relationship, for instance. It is legal to drink in public. This proves quite handy when pouring drinks and having shots in malls whilst staring at peas and fish menu options offered at KFC.

Field Report # 3: Twins ??

TEAM PRESENT

* The Natural
* The Vixen
* The Blogger
* Crazy Person
* The Drunkard

LOCATION

* Toiga

THE SCENE

The digits 9:45pm flickered on the car radio...the full body of human knowledge could not explain why it takes women so long to get dressed. Thoughts of mutiny crossed our minds as we silently judged the Natural for bringing the Vixen along. A few seconds before friendships came to an end the Vixen emerged and we were off to tame the wild beast that is Toiga! GRRR! 

The constant smell of chunder in the carpets immortalized all those brave souls who had come before us. Sounds of <insert most generic song you know here> resonated through the empty heads of paralytic jocks and smug barbies strutted over all advances made by every passing male.  

We will make it in time for Free entry and 2for1 drinks specials

THE GROUPS

* The group of birthday girls who had literally spent the whole night looking for each other

* The twins (I really need to read up in Richard Dawkins selfish gene theory cause it still perplexes me how one twin can more ummmm 'genetically gifted' than the other) 

* The strange chick who suffered from  Chirophobia-Fear of touching someones hands (I could not even make this stuff up)

* Dr Bones and crew 

* Random dude who kept following me asking if I wanted to work for his promo company

THE NOTABLE APPROACHES

On this particular night I wanted to experiment, last summer I was the epitome of textbook game. I could gun out line after line and it had worked on many cases. However just last week I was at a popular pretentious venue in the atlantic seaboard. I whipped out the good old "Hi there, I need a women’s perspective on something. Do you think these beads are too much?" line.........aaaaaaaand it didn't seem to work.Well I had received a response but I could see that the line had gone right over her head. Looking back, there could only be two valid explanations for this anomaly 1) I was not in the moment and my approach seemed contrived 2) Every girl in Cape Town had read my Men in Beads post and were now becoming wise to my tricks....The answer was obviously option 2, so I had to switch the game up and try what seemed to be a very complex task...and that was to "JUST BE MYSELF". 

So that was it, I was just going to be myself...no lines..no routines...just usual boring banter...

As I walked up to the Group of Birthday Girls I was not going to use the tried and tested Birthday Girl Routine. I would walk up and think of the most generic boring thing I could think of...Mmmm...Exams...yeah...I'll talk about exams so I went up to their table and said "Hey, please tell me that someones writing exams next week"...The MotherHen responded and asked why to which I said that I wanted to know so that I wouldn't feel guilty about being out whilst everyone else is studying (yes i said whilst in a conversation, off course I speak exactly how I write).....aaand guess what happened next. They all burst out laughing and accepted me into their lil birthday bash. Thereafter they had spent the rest of the night looking for each other and asking me every 5min if I had seen where the other friend had disappeared to.

So I backwards engineered that approach and the reason why it had been successful was simply because I had the balls and confidence to go up to them and initiate a conversation without any expectations. I then wondered why so many other guys were not doing the same thing, until I turned around and noticed them getting piss drunk so that they could later harass any silhouette which resembled a female on the dancefloor. Then these dudes will only end up coming back saying that these chicks are such bitches. Truth be told the only chicks who usually hook up with random drunks on the dancefloor are usually floozies (In CT, these floozies backgrounds usually include private all girls school education, bad breakups, failed UCT degrees or yip..daddy issues).

Not really a true depiction of what I experienced, but close..well...not really

The Twins...the twins....mmmm...THE TWINS....well sorry to disappoint you guys but its not that kind of story. The approach was again quite standard. I saw them chilling and I walked up and said sarcastically "Looks like you ladies are having an AMAZING time".. they did the usual giggle giggle chuckle chuckle...Kings of Leons Sex is on Fire was playing so I asked if they were going to the concert. To which the one said that she had an exam on the day. Turns out she studies Archeology. I wipped out the Lara Croft Indiana Jones Banter and they were loving it.

It actually came as a shock to me that they were twins because the one was stunning and the other...ummm..not so much ( If by some chance you're actually reading this Ms Archeology chick,this is all meant to be taken with a pinch of salt, but genuine,don't party with your sister,kidding...or not) .This only became apparent after I had done the Best Friends test. How this works is that you ask a random question like "O,what shampoo do you guys use"..aaaand 100% of the time they will look at each other for validation before they respond. The Stunner was keen to give me her BB pin...Ha! that reminds me.. I still have to send her a message! Wonder when the best time would be..mmm...Probably just before Carte Blanche on Mnet starts, because its a well known fact that everyone sits down to watch it and nobody really pays attention to the first 20min about stupid save the animals crap.

I'm off to implement some BBM Game

@CapeBandit


Send a request to capebandits@gmail.com to get invited to join Cape Towns premier pua community website.

Field Report # 2 :The Other Dudes Chick

TEAM PRESENT

* The Natural
* The Naturals GF
* The Blond Wingwoman
* The Blogger
* The Biker
* Crazy person


LOCATION

* "Cigar and Champagne Lounge"....Green Point

PRE-MATCH VENUE

* The Crazy persons friends place

THE SCENE

The vibe was quite mellow at first however the usual bottle of Chivas Regal greeted us on arrival. The quality of chicks at the venue was below what Ive become accustomed to and the number of newly divorced cougars seemed to have increased since my last visit. After extensive research, it can be said that if any success with a random chick was to be achieved, one would need to venture to the smoking area of the club.It is recommended that you keep a box of ciggs with you, if you don't smoke, carrying a lighter at all times is advisable.     

THE GROUPS

* The Birthday Girls

* The Two Cougers

* The Other Dudes Chick

*The Attention Whores

* Some Emo whinny chick

THE APPROACHES

These were the main groups I approached at the venue. The birthday girls can always be seen from a mile away. They are good fun and you're guaranteed free shots once you've gained the trust of the Motherhen. The easiest way to get involved with the Birthday crowed, is to jump right in there with high energy and a smile. Hold up your hand and give them all high 5's, except the Birthday Girl. This sounds super cheesy however it always works! She would naturally rant and demand a high 5. Lean over and say Happy 18th Birthday! Now this was a winner because she was obliviously over 25 years old. Once in the group you can ask some the generic Birthday Girls Group Questions which are;

* Where are the male strippers?

* Why is the Birthday Girl so sober?

* You guys just came here for the free cake and drinks hey?

The Two Cougars were not as interesting as Id imaged. They were seated on the opposite side of the venue, after I had approached I had realised why it was that they were seated.They were old, tired and probably coming to the realisation that plenty more palates sessions would need to be made.

Now most guys would see a chick surrounded by guys and immediately assume that they were off limits. I'm here to inform you that these are often the coolest chicks you could meet on a night out. Although the Approach would need to be very indirect. So I sparked up a conversation with one of the guys, generic conversations starters are usually;

* What time does this place start buzzing?
* Where's the after party at?
* Whats the occasion tonight?

While they start rattling off, I would then meander my way to the chick and a cocky funny comment would usually follow. Then the usual banter would ensue and I'd leave just as she starts telling me about herself. Once she questioned as to where I was going, I knew I  was IN! I then moved onto the next group which were The Attention Whores, these are often the absolutely stunning chicks who clearly know that they could seduce any guy in the place. So I just walked right on by and as soon as I made eye contact with one of them I threw up a lovely "L" for loser sign in her direction. She gave a "WTF, and who the hell is that guy" look as I made my way to the bar. Now this is a very effective way of making an impression with these kinds of girls. They are often models and are used to guys swooning over them at all times. So once you can walk past them and basically tell them that they are such losers, you immediately stand out from any other dweeb who will try to buy their attention.

As I got my drink I ventured into the smoking area where I saw three ladies in a deep rather passionate conversation and argument. So I walked over and said "let me guess..you ladies are Guy Bashing ey?"...What seemed like a good idea at the time, however I got sucked into the conversation. Ok, now what I found weird was how open this chick was about telling me some intimate details of her relationship..Me, a guy she literally met seconds ago..She felt comfortable because I entered the conversation at the same level a old friend would. If I was a douche I'd disclose what she told me..well lets get right on into the details of Emo Chicks life then;

* She felt their relationship needed more spice, so she introduced some Porn into the mix
* Her boyfriend enjoyed this quite considerably...(Duh Sherlock)

* Now she catches him watching it a little too often for her liking
* He then proceeded to compare her to the Porn star babes (Big Mistake there lad)
* Then he said that the one Porn star babe really looks like one of her close friends who he had a crush on for years
* Now his out "partying" with her Porn star look-a-like friend and she's here talking to me..not knowing all her dirt will be exposed on this very website which is viewed by thousands of people :)

So be careful who you speak to ladies ;P

The Other dudes chick then grabbed me away from Emo Chick and maneuvered me towards the dance floor. This made it quite obvious that she was indeed single and was clearly 1) jealous at the attention I was getting from Emo girl 2) wondering why the Hot attention whores kept smirking and flipping me the bird every time I walked past or 3) upset that I left her mid conversation to grab a drink. I now see the error in my ways, no decent chick would hook up with a guy they've just met on the dance floor. Now you're probably going to disagree with me..but think back to a random you've macked on the dance floor...75% of them were floozies...So it then occurred to me that there was no isolated place within the venue to take this chick to.

Leaving the venue was not an option, because I had just purchased an ice cold beer..and no guy leaves whilst in the possession of a full beer. She seemed slightly perturbed by this notion and this new guy built like a house appeared infront of me..guess this girl was indeed taken..and very much so might I add. This situation was clearly misread, and this chick was on a kamikaze mission to make her current boyfriend jealous.

I tried to think of how I was going to get myself out of this mess without spilling my beer, and just then my trusty Blond Wingwoman stepped right in and gestured that I was just her out of control boyfriend...Benefits of having a trusty Wingwoman around fellows..She saved my ass from a beat down and I left feeling rather content that I lived to game another day.


Bandit 

Field Report # 1 :The British Chick

TEAM PRESENT 

* Bandit

* The Operator

LOCATION

* The Sunny Club for Shady People...Atlantic Seaboard 

PRE-MATCH VENUE

* "Miss My Flight"....Cape Town CBD

THE SCENE

The Atlantic Seaboard is a supreme location for meeting very high quality women. This time of the year is particularly special because one sees a migration of foreigners blessing our shores with their deep need for tanning and debauchery. Myself and The Operator entered the venue and ordered the most feminine drink at the bar.  Flavored rums and vodkas,and strawberry daiguiri's are the usual ingredients. These are used as conversational pieces and not for actual consumption...cause that's just plain queer.  

THE GROUP

A group of 2 girls and one guy caught our attention and the game was on. Common sense tells us that this is an ideal group to approach for one of five reasons 1) The guy is obviously with only one of the girls 2) The other girl is either his relative 3) The other chick could be her best friend 4) The chick feels like a bit of a third wheel tagging along whilst being in the awkward space of watching her friend all over a guy whole night and 5) The guy would be keen to have someone keep his girls best friend busy if he decides that he wants to go back to her place. 

THE APPROACH

I would usually be the one to initiate the conversation with the group, and The Operator would come in later to keep the group busy whilst I isolate the chick I wanted to...ummm..get to know...yeah..

It was still very early in the evening so a situational opener was ideal...As I was making my way to where they were, I began thinking up some solid routines to implement. Just then. I made eye-contact with the third wheel chick, As soon as that happened I waved in a friendly non threatening way. She smiled aaaaaaand I was IN !

I walked over to her and mentioned that she must be a foreigner because everyone in Cape Town knows that its uncool to get to a club this early. She laughed and as soon as she spoke I noticed that  I was correct .She was a 21 year old surprisingly stunning biochemical student from London, she spoke with a sultry Liz Hurley queens English accent. Her bright green eyes were rather hypnotic and he long blond and brown hair made her look quite exotic for an English bird.She questioned why I was at the club so early if all locals knew it was uncool to do so. I just smirked and told her that I was out to meet some gorgeous foreigners....and if she could be so kind to point some out if she see's any. 

That statement was a typical cocky funny way of disqualifying myself as some random guy who just came over to hit on her. While her head was still reeling from my last statement I leaned over to the guy and introduced myself. It is very important to do this because it is only common courtesy to acknowledge the presence of another male, because if he feels uncomfortable with you around. He can very easily lead the girls away from your company.Another important stage of this interaction was getting to know the social dynamics of the group. This is done by asking the guy how they all know each other. He had informed me that they had just met the two ladies at another venue further down the road. It was then clear to me that the British girl was now fair game because her friend had managed to land a guy and she had failed to do so.

Just then The Operator approached with the two queer drinks and asked loud enough for the rest of the group to hear if I had seen Christine and Robz (Makes them think we were there with girls). He then announced that he felt like a bit of a tool carrying around our girlfriends drinks. He then asked the two ladies if he could put the drinks on their table so that he could maintain his dignity for the rest of the night. They found this very funny and off course allowed him to grab a seat.

THE BANTER

Now chatting to foreign women is something I find very interesting. There are always so many topics to cover. British Chick was however very into premier league soccer. This was however a very gray area for me, as she continued to ramble on quickly began to realize that this was a topic I knew absolutely nothing about. So I quickly interrupted her and asked if she had ever had braces on her teeth. She had a quizzical look on her face and before she could answer I announced that I had indeed been to London (Which I have) and I had noticed how aggressive British women are when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. The braces question was just used to completely take her mind away from soccer, and my quick change of topic before her response allowed her to respond to my new question as if it was something we had been speaking about all along. 

The Operator engaged the obstacles, namely the dude and the other chick. I then exclaimed that I thought that is was so unfortunate that she traveled all this way and that she wouldn't be able to dance with me as a result of the fact that British girls were naturally uncoordinated. 

HER INDICATORS OF INTEREST

Indicators of interest are things that women sometimes unconsciously do to telegraph their interest or attraction towards you. 

* She kept interrupting her friend to speak to me

* She literally did the splits to show how flexible she was ( I'm not even shitting you..this girl did this!)

* She didn't mind me touching her body as I spoke

* She looked over and giggled to her friend for approval

* She followed me when I would make false attempts to walk away

INTERESTING THINGS LEARNT FROM BRITISH GIRL

* Most girls and guys in London loose their virginity at age 14

* British girls have a slight complex about how pale they are

* Most British guy under the age of 25 had slept with over 30 different women

* They really don't dance very well (seen it first hand)

* Pronounce your vowels, she pointed out that many men and women in Cape Town don't pronounce their vowels correctly (My response to this was challenging her to speak in an South African accent..which she failed horribly)

THE CLOSE

The whole group of us found ourselves on the dance floor. I grabbed her hand and lead her onto the balcony. We grabbed a seat on the couches and I wondered which kiss close routine I haven't tried yet. The Lying Game came to mind.

So this is how it works. You ask her 4 questions and she has to answer by lying to each one of your questions. You say that if you win that you get to kiss her, and if she wins she can have the silly feminine drink you've been carrying around for the last 20minutes. The fun thing about this game is that you cant loose...this is how it works

1) Bandit: Which City are we in?

    British Chick: London

2) Bandit: Where are you from?

    British Chick: Italy

3)Bandit:......Looks confused..thinks...and waits for 5seconds and asks how many questions have been asked? "cause i cant remember"

This is one of the tricks..if she says you had asked 3 questions then you win...However if she's a smart ass like British chick and catches you out and says that you had asked 10 questions, you then laugh and say

4) Bandit: leans over laughs and says "you're such a cheat, have you played this game before????"

To which she responds with a big NOOOOO, cause she wants to win....Then you just point out that the last thing you had asked was the 4th question, she had not lied which means that you WIN !

This is all quite a lot of fun and you immediately make yourself different from any other goon who approached her telling her about how beautiful she is, and how they wanted to buy her a drink...These guys get nowhere and usually end up leaving the club in their million rand cars upset that they had just been out gamed by two students who have nothing but CHARM aaaand CHARISMA to their name..

So did I close the stunning British Chick???....what do you think ;)

@CapeBandit out !

Meet Bandit....Cape Town's very own Pick- up Artist

Hey there...

We have probably met before, if you're a guy Iv probably listened to your boring rendition of the way in which you have met your current girlfriend as you proceeded to point her out in the club. I might have looked intrigued however truth be told I approached your group of friends  because you were the only guy amongst a group of three stunning ladies. I entertain your conversation for two more minutes as I proceed to make eye contact with your girlfriends best friend. 

I probably then leaned over to whisper in her ear that I adore her outfit, I would then go on to tell her that although it did look trendy, I couldn't figure out why her shoe's didn't match with any other item of clothing. With that being said, she would've seen a devilish grin on my face.I would then hint that I now see what her shoes match...Just before she asks me what it matched my attention would've been drawn to the Motherhen of the group as I would comment on how they failed to inform their friend on the appropriate ways to dress in a club such as.........(Yeah, I wont be telling you where I party just yet)....... I would have probably suggested that I couldn't stay long, and that the drinks special will be coming to a close. By that time dude, you would have left me alone with your girlfriends friends after I had informed you that you can get two free drinks at a particular bar lady if you mention my name... 

Role playing would then ensue as I would relate each girl to a character in Gossip Girl..laughing and giggling would follow as they would prove to me why they are or aren't certain characters. I would then turn to the girl friends best friend as say..."Noways you could be a Serena, because Serena would have her shoes match some other item of clothing or accessory"..She would have frowned and then I would grab her hand as I inform the rest of her friends about how I need to steal her for a quick moment to give her some fashion tips. She follows me through the crowed as I hold her hand behind me as I then smile and greet every other gorgeous girl that passes me by. I would inform her that the reason I had to pull her aside was that I needed to test an ancient Tibetan myth which stated that most women would match their shoes with their underwear. By this time she has already shown an array of indicators of interest, to which I would exacerbate by saying that she seems like a 4....a 4 out of 10 on the scale of kissing...puppy dog eyes and head tilts would be initiated as she moves in for the kiss. 

By this time good old me would stop and say "hey, im not going to kiss you, we've just met and you're cool and everything however we should totally be friends"..She would then turn back with utter shock as I would then spin her around and whisper how her uncoordinated fashion sense has changed my mind. Make-out session would follow and then BB pins would be exchanged and the Bandit would then go return to the group whilst introducing her friends to other groups of girls who he had previously approached. 

The club becomes that much smaller as almost every little clique of friends are being introduced to one another and every desirable women would leave wondering who that man was who just seemed to know everyone. If you are one of those ladies, through these words we meet again.

Although from the outset every word would seem to be very random and spontaneous however that would never be the case. I have become a machine, calculating and analysing every word to ensure that tension and attraction can be enhanced through my cocky humour and confidence. Both men and women have been misled by those who say things such as

* "Dont worry, the right girl/guy will come around one day"

* " There was nothing you could do, I guess everything happens for a reason"

* " I like you, but only as a friend"

* " All girls/guys are the same"

* " Girls who approach guys are sluts"

* " Guys who approach girls are players"

* " Noways a girl/guy like that would want to be with you"

* "You either have it or you dont"

* "Guys only like tall slim slutty girls"

*"Girls only go for badboys"

* " Nice guys never get anywhere"

This is not just about seducing people in clubs, these are life skills.The world of social dynamics and interactions is a science and a art. Social freedom awaits any man or women who devotes time to understand that you can be with absolutely ANYONE you desire. As with any field of study, there is a formula which has been created and recorded for all to use. This formula has been tried and tested thousands of times. You see it everyday and everybody posseses the potential to unlock it within themselves. 

Some of the Skills which will be explored:

* Body language

* The Approach, effective one liners or openers that work on real women in and around Cape Town

* Approaching women in groups

* Building interest

* Cocky funny routines and methods on building Attraction

So join me on my journey as I will be navigating through theCape Towns club scene. Detailed accounts of each interaction will be recorded and I will also be addressing and presenting the various techniques which you too will be able to apply.

Any questions which you may have can be directed to capebandits@gmail.com

@CapeBandit