Bandit went to Thailand. Pulled Chicks, drank Beer & wrote a Blog post: Part 1

The question of whether a mortal male could withstand over 15hrs worth of flying in economy class seats had been put to the test. It had however been proven over and over that the human race can go beyond its limits when provided with the right motivation. In this particular case the picturesque beaches of Phuket and never ending parties fueled the endurance that was later rewarded with memories which might raise more than just a few eyebrows. 

The trick to uncomfortable economy class seats is to find the most efficient method which allows you to rest your head whilst still scouting the cleavage of passing Malaysian Air hostesses. 13 hours later we arrived in Phuket. We were welcomed by the demonic look of Asian custom officials; just their presence alone raised the suspicion that you might be executed for having Panados in your possession. Even though we were all paranoid, it was already tacitly agreed that we would go on without anyone who was pulled over by immigration agents.

We were then whisked away en route to our uber chic hotel called the Centra Ashlee in Patong. Our non compliant Thai driver seemed to be unresponsive to any questions relating to tourist activities. However when the words Bangla Road was mentioned his eyes immediately glazed over. For Bangla Road was not to be taken lightly.

We had only 9 days to leave our mark on Thailand.

The beaches and scenery were truly amazing, however I do believe you could go on any travel site and get further information regarding the various tourist destinations. So I will be providing a overview of what is truly important to any young jet setter - Drinks, Chicks and Clubs !

1) The Drinks

The first of many rules in Thailand is that you DO NOT attempt to sell or indulge in any form of narcotics. If you think they're kidding. Try it and you'll be executed before you've managed to whimper out "Mom.....I'm in a Thai Prison". However there is a give and take relationship, for instance. It is legal to drink in public. This proves quite handy when pouring drinks and having shots in malls whilst staring at peas and fish menu options offered at KFC.

This lovely concoction of heaven includes half a bottle of whiskey/vodka/rum along with a litre chaser of your choice. One bucket will set you back 350Baht (R87). After a few of these you will be well on your way....to spending the night of your life with anonymous Australian hotties on the beaches of Koh Phangan. Like you literally walk passed any Ozzie chick and shout "Ozzy Ozzy Ozzy" to which she will respond with "OI OI OI!" and that's pretty much all the skill that's required to pulling Australian Shelas. 

I have a very soft spot in my heart for these iconic local beers. Be advised that a Kort of these beer can be bought at any 7eleven for only 40 Baht (R10), however if you were to purchase this very same beer in any club it would set you back by 130Baht (R32.50). When seen sipping on a Chang, it creates the image of a well travelled individual who is willing to test local variants of angel nectar. Whereas that Heineken just screams tourist about to be robbed by a ladyboy.  

Being the respectable South Africans that we were. The drink of choice for this particular trip was good old Brandy and Coke. The troop would mission down to the closest 7eleven and purchase no less than 6-8 bottles of Regency for 225 Baht (R57) each. The stage would then be set and we would then stagger like Jagger down Beach Road toward to beast that was Bangla.

2) The Clubs

BANGLA ROAD....

"HEEEEEEEELLOOOOOO  WELCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!!! You want BOOM BOOOM??"

Clubs of Choice

The White Room

The White Room should really have been called the White Elephant. Every time I went inside it never seemed to be full. The clubs are quite smart though, they employ hot promoter girls to stand down Bangla Rd, almost disguised as tourist themselves. They would strike up conversations as to where you are heading and she would then go on to mention that she had just heard about this cool club, and if you would be so kind as to walk her there. You would then find yourself proudly walking towards the club with a stunner only to be surprised that she works for the club. Many clubs do not have cover charges; all you have to do is buy a drink on arrival. Which seems like a pretty good deal on the outset yet the drink could start at prices ranging from 350B (R87) and upwards.

Even though this club was usually quite empty, this downfall did come with some benefits. It was frequented by pretty Scottish chicks. The low music levels provided some decent opportunities to get some banter going. My approach would usually be very quick since standing around staring could weird them out or have them think that I am a human trafficker scouting for my next victim.

* Tips on Chatting up Scottish Women

Make fun of their accent, this was really unintentional, yet very effective. It really cracked me up to hear them say "Weeer eu Vrom?"



Hollywood

Now this gem was something else. Really a bit of Russian Roulette to be very honest. Plenty stunners yet there would be a 50/50 chance that you might have yourself a Ladyboy my dear friend. This place would rock until 6am in the morning, and if you were a cheap ass such as myself you could nab yourself a few off duty strippers for some Free-Dollar fun.

Memorable Hookups #1

Now friends, on my second night in Phuket. Being the novice that I am I let Hollywood and Thailand get the best of me. Along the sea of Asians I had spotted a group of two Russian chicks. I made my way towards them and carried out the usual Dance Floor Game. It does seem that many of my silly approaches are rather universal since it involves more body language and facial expressions than anything else. I held out my hand in a Hi5 position, and gave the Patented Cheshire Cat Smile. The more attractive one responded by honouring me with a Hi5 and her blond friend did the same. I would then hold both their hands and spin them around. I really suck at dancing, however I never really saw the need to learning anything beyond the "Hi5" routine, the cheesyness of this move makes it fun and unobtrusive.

It later turned out that they were from Moscow, Angelica was a lawyer and her blond friend..ummm..cant recall, I forgot everything she said almost as soon as she said it. Angelica was playing hard to get and I this was an all too familiar ploy chicks would do, especially when in twos. So I focused my limited attention towards the blond, I still don't recall absolutely anything she said. After a while it did however prove fruitful as Angelica then gave "The Look". Now this look has become all too familiar, its the look very uncertain chicks give when they are too afraid to make any kind of advance themselves. This is usually done to avoid being perceived as a slut, and if a guy misses The Look, the window of opportunity is blown. So I reacted immediately and I was rewarded in kind.

"THE LOOK"

On this particular night I was feeling braver than usual. I then leaned over to Angelica and said something that I've only seen work in movies, I said "Let's go back to my Hotel"........she responded with her Russian accent as she said "Only if my friend can come along........" My brain then went...........HOLY SHIT

My friends always tell me....

Sooooooooooooo........

To find out what happens next with the Russians..

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2...More clubs and Thailand Field Reports coming SOOOOOOOOON!

@CapeBandit