Late 20s: Binge Drinking Peter Pans & Weathered Tinkerbells

Late twenties

I don't like saying the words.

Conjures up thoughts of retired boy band members trying to hold onto fans who have now acquired a more astute glutan free way of wasting their time.

"When I was your age, your father and I already had a house, we were paying off a bond and sending your ass to school."

8 years of tertiary education, two degrees and 2 years of articles. Where is the millions? I was told their would be millions here.

Remember when it was impossible to get inside Springboks on a Thursday night?

Carrying and dragging friends out at 10 so that our last minute Guest Lists would not have been procured in vein. Searching for fimiliar faces in queues just so that we could score those high heel clad chicks before they fell off the speakers.

It was a Thursday evening and I happened to be drawing cash in Claremont. Next to me were a few giggling tweens taking selfies at the ATM, their high pitched voices and ethused demeanour angered me. Their short skirts barely covered their ass and goodness gracious, selfies at a ATM ? That's so unsafe.

It was within that moment that I realised I was now... Old as Fuck.

Those girls were probably 19. The age we were....8 years ago...just looking at them felt illegal.

I don't know about you but I remember those uncles who would come over on Friday nights. Talking about the good old days while making a rawkus and drinking brandy with their fat boeps hanging over their shorts.

I look at my Facebook feed and all I see is a whole new generation of uncles. Those Peter Pans who never quite got enough Likes on that bottle of brandy. Calling themselves by nicknames and referring to the "squad" in a series of misguided hashtags. What exactly are we celebrating every weekend?

Loading up with bottles of booze to clubs was normal 7 years ago, we'd be there with three cars of people, because going out with less than 20 people was unheard of.

It's understandable lads.

The friend who was sleeping under a washing line is now married.

The girl who slept around is now Saved

The exes are married/divorced (I'm sure we could have warned them)

The stoners are employed

and the employed are now stoners

Perhaps you should have taken that chicks number? Or maybe torturing our bodies was not the best of ideas. But oh man, there are stories. Stories I should write one day.

Alas, those women we admired are now just as old as us. Remember that wild lil Tinkerbell who flashed her tits to the crowd for tickets to 50 Cent. I heard she's not looking so good anymore, who knew our parents were right when they told us to wear sunscreen. I guess the sun just shines brighter on those trance kids.

We can only now hope for the best, so my fellow late 20 something year olds:

1) Stop sending requests to your Worldventures kak. It's a scam

2) Don't drink at staff functions

3) Those posers are not going to be your baby's daddy. Look after your kid, #instaTit pics are not going to put food on the table

4) Tinkerbells, you're newly single, doesn't mean every guy wants you. No need to post "I don't need a man,I'm a independent snowflake quotes" every 10 minutes

5) Peter Pans, she's newly single...message her

6) Start a savings/investment account

7) Stop smoking...cheap cigarettes

8) Wear sunscreen.

@Capebandit

Sending Nudes Will Save the World. This is how..

Dear ladies, the plight of the world as you know it now hinges on your ability to send a nudie pic from your device to another without disrupting the entire economy as every warm blooded male, armed with a fully charged phone, now discreetly abandons all worldly responsibility in favour of a quite bathroom stall.

Every relationship is said to reach certain key milestones, aaah the first date, the first inside joke stealthily delivered in the presence of the mutual third wheel, the first late night beach adventure where both of you are stranded as a result of someone (not me) leaving the car lights on. Like, listen now, lets be honest with one another for a moment, as guys we are pretty much biologically programmed to develop a life of self-fulfillment,  love, happiness and boobs. So when the request of whether we would like to receive a picture of our significant other in all kinds of compromising positions finds its way onto our mobile device. The reply "Yes" is sent without much thought being given to the rather unpleasant situation which you will now find yourself in.

The conversation would usually go as follows...

"Hey baby, I have a surprise for you..."

[image downloading.......]

[open/save]

[save]

[open]

"You didn't save the pic hey?"

"Nope...of course not:)"

"Now send me a pic"

"A pic...of what?"

"Of you"

"Ummm....ok....just give me a moment"

[end chat]

[delete contact]

[block contact]

"Did you get it?"

"Hello?"

"Hellooooo?"

There is no politically correct way to say that us guys are pretty much useless when it comes to sending pictures that will ignite the fire in your loins. The female form is pure art, art which transcends all consciousness, and when captured in a photograph, the pure essence of femininity becomes immortalized in the hearts and minds of those lucky bastards who chose to click "Open Image". 

Don't Try, Be

In attempting to conjure up the perfect image, we have lost sight of the what it means to be completely kaalgat. When people first began to roam the earth we basked in the glory of our nakedness. The right angles, lighting or let alone camera filters where the furthest thing from our minds. Focusing on anything other than surviving would wipe us out of the gene pool. We were men, doing what men did, hunting, doing badass caveman shit and waving our prehistoric members around to all those who would come in our way.

The female gender embraced their femeninity and were empowered enough to forgo their loincloths, not for the mere enjoyment of their ill informed male counterparts, but to illustrate that they were powerful and able to take the lead in lighting the way on uncharted maps by shining their...... beacons of glory. 

As time progressed, we became soft, and looked to run down and oppress the female gender as we got lost in the catchy tunes of boy bands and silky smooth linens.

As men, we can either embrace the sometimes painful truth of reality or we can decide to live out our existence under the blissful ignorance of illusion. The current juncture comprises of two key options.

1) Not sending a Nudie back

Should you elect to diss-empower your significant other by denying her of the opportunity of basking in your manly manliness, you will be spitting in the face of all those who have stood before you. The heroes of years gone by who stood naked before pervy sculptors who chizled their micro-penises into marble and time, for all eternity.

2) Sending a Nudie back

Once you have come to terms with the fact that your junk will be sent through cyberspace and splashed all over the screen of the recipient, you can now move onto the next phase of your journey. You will need to develop the very best pose which will illustrate your inner caveman. If done correctly, the representation of your inner caveman will arose millennia of pent up sexual energy in your partner.

In closing I would like to introduce to you...

Cavemanning 

The "I Just Invented Fire" pose

The "This Caves Too Cold To Sleep In Alone" pose

The "Soaring Pterodactyl" pose

The sending of nudies could just well save the world from impending doom. As the influx of women receiving less than desirable images will only lead to a rapid reduction of reproduction rates and global population figures will deteriorate into nothingness. Cavemanning is the only way to counter such calamity.

As for the all the ladies, if you need a second opinion regarding your pics, be sure to send it to....

@CapeBandit

The Greatest End Of The World Convo You Will Ever Read !

So last night I was minding my own business. You know, contemplating which stores I would loot if the world did come to an end. Suddenly, I received a very concerned message regarding my latest status update.

It went a lil something like this...

That is all.

@CapeBandit

Skyfall..Poofall. The Guy who shat his pants..on a date

                                                           Based on a True Story.

The parking lot was filled with the buzz of florescent lights. The digital watch on the dashboard, flickers the time, it reads 20: 50 pm. Young lovers stroll past the car oblivious to the impending doom which had almost been averted. Fixed eyes remained locked on the entrance of Cavendish Square. Although calm, his pounding heart reveals that the years of training had only left him ill prepared. His lower back still strained as a result of the trauma which it had been subjected to, he bites the pain to reach for his mobile phone. He manages to dial the number, it rings. Before passing out, he faintly utters his last words....."I just shat my pants".

2 Hours Earlier:

The sounds of iron hitting the ground, filled the chlorine tinged air of the Virgin Active gym. He had to push through his last set of bicep curls. A smile swept across his face as he caught the reflection of glimpses of other admiring gym goers. Tonight was the night he had been waiting for, all the hard work will finally be paying off, and blowing off some steam just before his big date was just what he needed. The flashing red light of his blackberry alerts him to the fact that he now needs to finish up his session. The need to look good far exceeded the risk of being late, and he continued his workout whilst tossing back a few more chocolate flavoured protein shakes.

1 Hour Earlier:

A new Cotton On v-neck had been the order of the day and a fitted jeans with new shoes had sealed the deal. Biceps were pumped, clothing looked sharp, and he was ready to go. A quick glance at the latest news had ensured that he had enough ammo to destroy any awkward silences. Motivational audio tapes played in the background and a new pine scented air freshener dangled from the rear view mirror as our hero made his way to the mall. He knew that his date had been dropped off and looked for the furthest parking bay available. This was done in the hope of ensuring maximum amount of hand holding and occasional boob grazes. 

30 Minutes Earlier:

There she was; a name gasped in the night, the one last word of a dying man, but one word that tells a thousand stories, a woman, who left her mark on everyman she met, she had more to offer a man in a glance than most women give in a lifetime, she knew what she wanted, and wasn't too particular how she got it, loving her was like shaking hands with the devil, and our hero was under her spell.

The movie was about to start and there was no need to rush for seats, as bookings were already made in advance. An opportunity such as this was not to be squandered and nothing other than strategically placed Love Bird seats would suffice, the absence of the arm-rests once again ensured a maximum amount of hand holding and potential boob grazes.

15 Minutes Earlier: 

The occasionally locking of eyes during scenes had  been a definitive sign that this was set out to be a date like no other. One could only question whether they had actually paid for a 4D Movie, the  temperature began to increase and the ground started to rumble, there was something brewing deep inside our hero. Something beautiful was about to happen. Our heroes date was due to witness the birth of a 5kg chocolate flavoured protein baby. It felt as though a evil menace had placed a bomb on our heroes colon. It was set to blow at any moment.

5 Minutes Earlier:

Suddenly his training kicked in;

Observation:

The moments ticked away and it was only a matter of time before every man, woman and child in the movie theater would be covered in shit. He had to think quickly and this was no longer a time for thinking, but a time for acting. Before any actor can portray his character, he would need to grasp the severity of his external condition. Observation would be key, and after surveying the area. It had been noted that his dates popcorn had been running low. He grabbed the box whilst exclaiming that it was of utmost importance that it is to be filled. After a quizzical look, the alibi had succeeded. A new challenge had emerged. The wonderful Love Nest seats had been neatly tucked in the corner of the theater, and a varied number of innocent bystanders stood between his current location and the closest co-ordinates of the nearest toilet. A game of Russian Roulette was about to be played. If anything was to erupt, their lives would merely be classified as collateral damage. Each shimmy past a innocent cinema goer, brought a sigh of relief.


2.5 Minutes Earlier:


In a photo finish he makes his way to the bathroom. The pack of popcorn gets flung to one corner as he scrambles to undo the buckles of his pants. Just like the calm before the storm, the world falls silent. The sweet sounds of Michael Bolton resonates through the bathroom speakers and suddenly...nothing. Could this have been a false alarm? Was this all just another test by the agency?

Whilst in the bathroom. He thanks the Lord Jehovah all mighty, and thinks it strange how at moments of crisis one turns to pray for salvation.

He then stares at himself in the bathroom mirror after washing his hands. Flexes his biceps and makes his way back to the movie.

Just when his foot hit the second step of the bathroom exit. Satan came knocking, and the roars of the 5kg Protein Baby came back to life. The demon was to emerge from the pits of the abyss to encapsulate and engulf all those in its path. Such vigor could only be held captive by the sphincter of our heroes anus. As he staggered towards a nearby toilet booth, the psychological pain was subjected to further turmoil as there was no toilet paper in the booth. Tears made its way down his face...time stood still..the flowing of tears..was then met..by the release...of the 5KG PROTEIN BABY !!

Cotton-On Vneck, fitted jeans, socks, shoes, blackberry....parking ticket..

Nothing was spared.

Present time:

Sitting in the car.

Shellshock....

The sounds of screaming soccer moms flashes across the battered mind of our now defeated hero. For they, had been subjected to the sight of a shit covered arsehole galloping across the shimmering floors of Cavendish Square.

No memorials will be held, no songs will be sung. The 21-gun salute will be put to rest.

Only two thoughts now reside in our heroes mind;

1) Is his date still waiting for the popcorn?

and

2) Will this dangling pine covered air freshener be enough to camouflage the smell of defeat?

 The End

@CapeBandit

ANCYL Marches to Cape Town CBD..in Style!

Deputy  President of the ANCYL Ronald Lamola, announced that the league requires not only new leadership, but a new way to conduct effective marches.

The ANCYL aimed to cause a stir in the Cape Town CBD, and they did not disappoint as onlookers watched in complete amazement.


@CapeBandit

"Nice Girls"..The Mermaids of 2012, they will sing you a song & then eat your brains

It was a Thursday evening and the club was packed, the 2012 hail Mary of tracks aka YOLO was blasting through the speakers. A tear ran down my cheek, or that's what I thought it was. It was no tear, the saliva of a nearby barking chick found its way onto my face. Never mind a few shots of patron I needed a rabies shot from the closest SPCA. The worlds most passive aggressive demon eyes were about to be unleashed! Just then, this immaculately dressed anomaly floated past. She seemed unperturbed by any male advances as she made her way towards me. This was it, the hundreds of approaches Iv made was soon going to pay off. A gift to the most deserving student of the game. Obviously, she had seen my dilemma and was approaching to offer her bosom as salvation. Alas, I was standing in a walkway and it was no secret that she had to pass my way in order to get to the other side of the club. 

I noticed that she had been scouring the club in search of something. If it was elegant, sophisticated well mannered human beings she was looking for, it was my job to inform her that her search was in vein. As this strangely aristocratic specimen brushed up against me, the Shakespeare in me wanted to proclaim to her that "love hath made thee a tame snake". 

Luckily my better senses kicked in, as I turned around to question if she was lost. She responded by saying that she was looking for her friends. I did not know who her friends were but I proceeded to sarcastically inform her that they had left, and that they said she should sit and chat with me. We spoke of life's great trivialities and mysteries, before she floated off again I suggested that we exchange contact details and she obliged. 

The next day I had a Cheshire cat grin on my face as I have defeated the odds to actually come across a "Nice Girl" in the clubs. This was going to be the last Hoorah before I retire from the game. I was looking forward to updating my Blackberry status with Michael Bolton lyrics and avant-garde hipster profile pictures. Before any of this could come to fruition I had to send her a message which could get the ball rolling. So I opted to make some reference to the previous night. Her response was grammatically flawless and suspiciously polite. Compliments were noted by a gracious "Thank you." and it became apparent that I was dealing with a individual of exceptional pedigree. I whipped out my Oxford dictionary, tuxedo, top hat, cane and slave as my journey into the age of sophisticated High Tea's and croquet would soon begin. The mermaids song had been sung and I was hooked.

 

I was smitten, and the sweet trappings of friendliness had blinded me to the obvious doomed fate which awaited me...Queue the bagpipes... I had been seduced into limbo, more terrifying than Davy Jones Locker, a zone which could not be charted nor escaped...A zone known as the......  

Some of you might be wondering exactly what being a "Nice Girl" would entail. If you are reading this after stumbling out of some random guys bed, you might as well stop reading right now. 

The Quintessential Nice Girl is;

* Modest

* Elegant

* Respectful

* Meticulous

* Articulate

* Intelligent

* Dignified

I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I do believe that spells...M.E.R.M.A.I.D! Coincidence? I think not! 

Mermaids just like Nice Girls are mythical creatures who have escaped prying eyes for thousands of years. Many a man has embarked on great weekend adventures to have his name echoed for all eternity for accomplishing the unthinkable task of coming into contact with such a majestic enigma. Mermaids are known to sing enchanting songs to seduce their prey before devouring their brains. Sailors were weary of their existance for their true form was unknown to the common man.

I will now expose a interesting characteristic that many if not all Nice Girls/Mermaids have in common..

They usually only have one friend

If ever they are spotted, do not be fooled. They hunt in pairs and there's a very good chance that her friend will not be a Mermaid, more likely to take the form of a  Psychrolutes marcidus or Blobfish (inhibits deep sea waters and is rarely touched or seen by humans). So it is advised that your crewman keep a look out for Blobfish looking to destroy your game.

"You totally shouldn't be speaking to my friend right now" Blobfish

There is no hope for me, my fate has been sealed. You might still have a fighting chance. Sing songs of my plight and pass this message on to fallen comrades for their efforts would not have been in vein as....

@CapeBandit

Shoutout to all the Annoying Couples

An Annoying Couple(AC) can be defined as two individuals who consistently go out of their way to show the world over facebook, blackberry messenger statuses and twitter how much they love each other. Their sole purpose is to ensure that YOU, yes YOU are made aware of their undying "love" every 10 minutes of the day. I implore each and every one of you to go out there and find your very own Annoying Couple.Add them on BBM, find them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter! This is very important, as I will now disclose how these idiotic expressions of love will indeed be moving this country forward. 

In the run up to the South African presidential election campaign, there are many issues which need to be addressed, one of the most contentious challenges is that of unemployment amongst the youth. The country is rife with unplanned teenaged pregnancy and the number of young people who are dropping out of school to support their new families are on the rise. Now I am not suggesting that I am indeed a political socioeconomic genius, but problems such as this require drastic and innovative solutions. The key to prosperity lies in the hands of ACs. They are doing a great service to the country as they forgo their constitutional rights to privacy and dignity in order to illustrate and characterize a play by play view of arbitrary co-dependent attention seeking approval needing superficial relationships. 

Now some of you might be questioning how exactly a AC can be identified, below I have listed two key characteristics which may aid you in your search;

The "I'm so deep because I have song lyrics as Profile Pictures" Annoying Couple:

ACs have a unique ability to express their feelings to one another not through speech but through the use of highly advanced lyrics imposed onto sombre hipsterish backgrounds.One can always assess the mood of each AC by studying the content of each profile picture and the frequency at which it changes.

Like OMG...thats sooooo Deep

So keep an eye out for couples who vicariously communicate their passive aggression for one another through quotes by Drake and Lil Wayne. 

The "I"m in a relationship, so I must be Shakespeare" Annoying Couple:

Einstein + Shakespeare= Anonymous individual who might or might not be named Chad Fourie

Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.

The feeling of love has inspired many prolific writers such as Oscar Wilde, Shakespeare,John Keats and many more. It has been a great pleasure of mine to come into contact with one of Cape Towns most prolific AC poet, he has disgraced the sanctum of manhood and for that reason would like to remain anonymous, so for the purpose of anonymity I shall refer to him as Chad Fourie. 

Below, are some of the great Masterpiece Facebook Statuses by "Chad Fourie";

* "When the eagles forgot how to fly and its 20 below in July and when violets turn red and the roses turn blue ill still be in love with you." 

* "I never knew such a day would come and I never knew such a love could be inside one. I never knew what my life was for now that you're here I know for sure......Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes :-) "

* "I know the way I feel for you will never pass, oh yes its going to stand the test of time. So your search for love is about to end, your future holds a place where true love begins"

* "Is all for one person in the world ........The key is yours.....You own the treasure chest....Keep it close to you :P"

* "I love you, ill love you all along...I miss you...you are far away for too long..I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go :).....I stop breathing when I do not see you anymore"

* "I want you to know , that if I could fly, I would pick you up into the night and show you love like you never seen,everseen!!!!" 

AAAAAAAAAAAAND MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE ................

*   "Gosh seeing you makes all other beauty in the world seem as if they're all different shades of grey while you stick out like a kaleidoscope of all colours in the world.....a Kaleidoscope of Awesomeness"

.......Yes...he said Kaleidoscope of Awesomeness..........

After many months of research it has been discovered that for every 1 post, status update and tweet  made by an AC, 10 young individuals pick up a textbook to improve their chances of finding more intellectually meaningful and rewarding relationships.

That's a 1:10 ratio people. We need to do this not only for ourselves...but for the children...
 

Viva la Revolution !

@CapeBandit

Field Report # 3: Twins ??

TEAM PRESENT

* The Natural
* The Vixen
* The Blogger
* Crazy Person
* The Drunkard

LOCATION

* Toiga

THE SCENE

The digits 9:45pm flickered on the car radio...the full body of human knowledge could not explain why it takes women so long to get dressed. Thoughts of mutiny crossed our minds as we silently judged the Natural for bringing the Vixen along. A few seconds before friendships came to an end the Vixen emerged and we were off to tame the wild beast that is Toiga! GRRR! 

The constant smell of chunder in the carpets immortalized all those brave souls who had come before us. Sounds of <insert most generic song you know here> resonated through the empty heads of paralytic jocks and smug barbies strutted over all advances made by every passing male.  

We will make it in time for Free entry and 2for1 drinks specials

THE GROUPS

* The group of birthday girls who had literally spent the whole night looking for each other

* The twins (I really need to read up in Richard Dawkins selfish gene theory cause it still perplexes me how one twin can more ummmm 'genetically gifted' than the other) 

* The strange chick who suffered from  Chirophobia-Fear of touching someones hands (I could not even make this stuff up)

* Dr Bones and crew 

* Random dude who kept following me asking if I wanted to work for his promo company

THE NOTABLE APPROACHES

On this particular night I wanted to experiment, last summer I was the epitome of textbook game. I could gun out line after line and it had worked on many cases. However just last week I was at a popular pretentious venue in the atlantic seaboard. I whipped out the good old "Hi there, I need a women’s perspective on something. Do you think these beads are too much?" line.........aaaaaaaand it didn't seem to work.Well I had received a response but I could see that the line had gone right over her head. Looking back, there could only be two valid explanations for this anomaly 1) I was not in the moment and my approach seemed contrived 2) Every girl in Cape Town had read my Men in Beads post and were now becoming wise to my tricks....The answer was obviously option 2, so I had to switch the game up and try what seemed to be a very complex task...and that was to "JUST BE MYSELF". 

So that was it, I was just going to be myself...no lines..no routines...just usual boring banter...

As I walked up to the Group of Birthday Girls I was not going to use the tried and tested Birthday Girl Routine. I would walk up and think of the most generic boring thing I could think of...Mmmm...Exams...yeah...I'll talk about exams so I went up to their table and said "Hey, please tell me that someones writing exams next week"...The MotherHen responded and asked why to which I said that I wanted to know so that I wouldn't feel guilty about being out whilst everyone else is studying (yes i said whilst in a conversation, off course I speak exactly how I write).....aaand guess what happened next. They all burst out laughing and accepted me into their lil birthday bash. Thereafter they had spent the rest of the night looking for each other and asking me every 5min if I had seen where the other friend had disappeared to.

So I backwards engineered that approach and the reason why it had been successful was simply because I had the balls and confidence to go up to them and initiate a conversation without any expectations. I then wondered why so many other guys were not doing the same thing, until I turned around and noticed them getting piss drunk so that they could later harass any silhouette which resembled a female on the dancefloor. Then these dudes will only end up coming back saying that these chicks are such bitches. Truth be told the only chicks who usually hook up with random drunks on the dancefloor are usually floozies (In CT, these floozies backgrounds usually include private all girls school education, bad breakups, failed UCT degrees or yip..daddy issues).

Not really a true depiction of what I experienced, but close..well...not really

The Twins...the twins....mmmm...THE TWINS....well sorry to disappoint you guys but its not that kind of story. The approach was again quite standard. I saw them chilling and I walked up and said sarcastically "Looks like you ladies are having an AMAZING time".. they did the usual giggle giggle chuckle chuckle...Kings of Leons Sex is on Fire was playing so I asked if they were going to the concert. To which the one said that she had an exam on the day. Turns out she studies Archeology. I wipped out the Lara Croft Indiana Jones Banter and they were loving it.

It actually came as a shock to me that they were twins because the one was stunning and the other...ummm..not so much ( If by some chance you're actually reading this Ms Archeology chick,this is all meant to be taken with a pinch of salt, but genuine,don't party with your sister,kidding...or not) .This only became apparent after I had done the Best Friends test. How this works is that you ask a random question like "O,what shampoo do you guys use"..aaaand 100% of the time they will look at each other for validation before they respond. The Stunner was keen to give me her BB pin...Ha! that reminds me.. I still have to send her a message! Wonder when the best time would be..mmm...Probably just before Carte Blanche on Mnet starts, because its a well known fact that everyone sits down to watch it and nobody really pays attention to the first 20min about stupid save the animals crap.

I'm off to implement some BBM Game

@CapeBandit


Send a request to capebandits@gmail.com to get invited to join Cape Towns premier pua community website.

Text your way into her...Heart/Mind/Bed

 

- This is based on real events and for the sake of privacy the names of characters have been altered...well..not really-

Chad: "Hey, you see that Angel Goddess over there?"

Friend: "ummm yes, what about her?"

Chad: "We totally hooked up, and she even gave me her BB pin"

Friend: "Whats her name, I'll check her out on Facebook"....."mmm, she has a decent Profile Pic, she has 280 friends and I'm sure shes a quality chick cause those women with over 2000 Facebook friends are always trouble"

Chad: "Awesome, I cant wait to text her, I think im going to marry her"

THE NEXT DAY....

Chad stairs at his BB and decides to text the Angel Goddess he met the night before....

Chad: "hey, im Chad, remember me? lol :P We hooked up last night and I had a great time and I'd really like to see you again because I think that you are so beautiful and I've never met anyone like you before. I would love to take you out to this fancy restaurant and we could hold hands all the way there. Are you free tomorrow????

6 HOURS LATER....

Angel Goddess: "Hey, I'd really love to go, I unfortunately have other plans."

...............AAAAAAAAAAAAAND END SCENE !

Now ladies and gentlemen we at CapeBandit Enterprises have influenced many great triumphs of human ingenuity and innovation. It saddens us that the human population shall be facing complete and utter devastation.Our genes are being un-apologetically whipped off the face of the earth as a result of weak Text Game.

We have now taken it upon ourselves to provide you with a definitive guide to texting...a mere mortal might stop there...oh no..we shall go further, lets be honest... trivial chit chat and pleasantries does not build attraction. So one might then question whether it was humanly possible to create that 'chemistry' that will leave her flustered every time she see's your name pop up on her cell phone screen. 

Before we go any further we must warn you that CapeBandits does not take responsibility for the endless amount of phone calls, texts, emails, Facebook wall posts that you will be receiving after you have applied the information that we will now share with you.....

Continue reading at your own risk.........

OK the key to successful Text Game is divided into three core characteristics, namely that of timing, content and prizability.

Timing:

Timing refers to the amount of time which should pass before you send off your first text message. Now gentlemen this area is often misunderstood. An amateur would tell you to wait 2 days, now this strategy would work well if your aim was to get last minute date cancellations. Now a CapeBandit would send that first text within 5 minutes....Is that a shocked face I see ??..I never said that everything you've ever know up to this point wouldn't be made irrelevant...Imagine the scene..

CapeBandit:  Inserts number into his phone...then walks away for 2min...returns and says "sorry. I just need to text this cute chick who I met, she seems interesting but I'm scared she might be a stalker"

Angel Goddess: "umm..sure"

Whilst in her company the CapeBandit would then whip out his phone and send a text to the Angel Goddess right next to him. It would read " Who is that awesome guy standing next to you?"

This technique would genuinely be met with laughter, its unique and it breaks the ice for you to text again. 

Another element of timing is that of response speed... the rule of thumb is to be BUSY..or at least appear busy.This places more value on your responses because ladies tend to loose interest in someone who is always readily available.

Content:

The ultimate purpose of texting is to flirt,create a little connection , and get the women thinking about you. So do not try to engage in long drawn out logical conversations. One only needs to analyse the methods applied by a CapeBandit.

A CapeBandit:

* Does not come across as "Nice"

* Does not seek approval

* Does not ask questions, he prefers to lead conversations...nobody enjoys interviews

* Does not extend invitations

When it comes to content, there is only one real rule...DO NOT BE BORING ! ! ! !

Boredom can easily be one of the greatest human fears, why you might ask? Boredom has no feeling in it. Women thrive on emotions and feelings so try to add some variety that is not generic or predictable. Lets illustrate this below...

Scenario 1

Angel Goddess: "Hey, what did you do last night?"

Newbie : "Went to the movies, and you?"

Angel Goddess: "Not much, chilled at home"

Newbie: "Cool"

Angel Goddess: "Yeah..."

Scenario 2

Angel Goddess: "Hey, what did you do last night?"

CapeBandit: " Hey, I saw a movie and it got me thinking about you"

Angel Goddess: "Ooh Really ?? :)"

CapeBandit: " There was this adorable little puppy, that whined like you :)"

Now it does not take a genius to figure out which scenario invites the female on a unpredictable emotional rollercoster.

Top 4 Text Conversation starters:

1. "When we were thumb wrestling you weren't wearing a glove. Now im pregnant. We need to talk :)"
2. "Think I just found some batgirl underwear for you"
3. "I think I just saw your twin right now..Are you stalking me?"
4.    CapeBandit: "Stop! "
       AG: "Stop what?"
       CapeBandit: "Stop smiling and thinking about me. See, you're doing it. . right. . . now. "
       AG: "Oh, you caught me!" 

5. "Yeah..You're fun...so far"

Prizability:

Even though you have been provided with all this information, your text game will still be lacking if you lack prizability. Women enjoy challenges and once you appear too easily attainable, you will be fighting a lost cause my friend. An analogy could be made to that of a cat, dangle a ball of string in front of a kitten and it will do almost anything to get it, however once you drop the string, the cat will sniff it and loose interest very quickly. Everybody loves to win trophies, however nobody really cares if it was won in a one man competition. Show that you are confident enough to express your interest and if its not reciprocated, you are more than willing to end that conversation and move on to greener pastures.

So follow these steps and a new world of possibility awaits you...If you have any questions gentlemen..do not contact me...if it is an emergency..just walk up to any beautiful women and ask for me by name...

@CapeBandit