How to be a Crazy Motherf*cking Ex

I'm so glad that you could take a few moments out of your day of checking which facebook posts your ex has 'liked'. We're on this journey together and I think there are some things we need to learn before the sheriff of the court issues a restraining order with our names on it.  So the bridge has been burnt, the contacts deleted, Whatsapp profile blocked and the She Devils bestie hates your guts.  If you're a chemically balanced and emotionally mature individual, this post might not be for you, and that's probably why your ex isn't for you either, you boring stiff. Now grab a seat and your dignity as we embark on exactly what needs to be done in order to classify yourself and a Boni-fide Creepy Off The Hinges Crazy Motherfucking Ex.

Now before I start I would just like to pay tribute to the last 34 bottles of Merlot, without whom I would not have been able to paint the town, my shirts, my best friends car and every Cape Town pavement a wonderful shade of red.

Right now, she's not thinking about you. She's already telling her friends about this amazing "new friend" who really listens and understands her. Of course you've already met him. He was that nice guy who just happened to be there whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on...what a good bloke.

I don't doubt that there have been other guys in your ex's life who have really made an impression. Do you really want to be the forgettable ex who just faded into his own passive aggressive world of Uct Confessions style misery?

Being a Crazy Motherfucking Ex doesn't just happen over night. It takes months of practice. Just like any professional athlete you need to prepare your heart,mind and soul for the ultimate showdown. In order for you to do that I have prepared a list of tracks which will put you in just the right emotional state...

1) Lana Del Rey- Young and Beautiful
2) Bruno Mars- It will rain
3) Cee-lo Green- no1s gonna love you
4) Rihanna- Stay
5) Adele- Someone like you
6) Enrique Iglasias- Addicted
7) The Killers- Be still
8) Oasis- Wonderwall
9) Taylor Swift-  A Thousand Years
10) Evanescence- My Immortal

Ok, I'm not even ashamed that it took me less than 3 seconds to compile that list.

We are now ready to claim our rightful titles on every service providers 'Blocked List'.

Don't let go. Ever

The vital thread that keeps all the craziness locked in is the inability to accept things as they are. Moving on is not recommended, shame on you for even thinking of ever being with anyone else. If you have any of her clothes, I wouldn't recommend building a shrine in her honour. Shrines take up too much space anyway. I have however been told that voodoo dolls and muti works wonders if you've managed to salvage a few strands of her hair.

Remember all those pics and messages you deleted? Ha, oh you say you deleted them, but we both know that you saved and backed it all up on your laptop in a folder called "Exam Prep".  Now get them all out and start reading, remembering and re-living all those magical moments that you thought were going to last "5ever". 

Feels good doesn't it?

Space- don't give it

Now this part requires a tiny bit of monetary investment. The last thing you want to discover is that you've run out of airtime just before launching into your bombardment of needy and insecure messages. The Crazy Motherfucking Ex does not follow usual sms and call etiquette. Calling someone at 4am is totally insane, however if you just happen to be following a Tokyo time zone schedule, its totally acceptable. Now the sms's and calls do not need to have any sort of justifiable purpose. All that matters is that you are able to focus your emotional turmoil towards another individual.

Texts:

You may now be wondering as to the structure and content of the messages you'll be sending. Research indicates that the following format is preferred by 9/10 Crazy Motherfucking Ex's;

Intro- hey baby/kitten/hun/snowpuff/sugarcake (whatever lameass nickname you called her). This will highly annoy her as your supplication will be seen as a method of repressing the true gravity of the situation you are currently facing.

1st paragraph- describe your current emotional state.

2nd Paragraph- apologize for hurting her and being such a dick, tell her she was right about everything and that you regret every moment you fell short of her dreams.

3rd Paragraph- tell her that you understand that she needs her space

Conclusion- wish her all the best

Now you may be thinking..."Aaaaw, that is such a...........normal message". You are correct. The only difference is that a "reasonable person" would have cut his losses after the first message'. Not a Crazy Motherfucking Ex, as its common knowledge that women love receiving heart wrenching text in rapid succession of each other. 

 "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." George Bernard Shaw

What happens if she doesn't respond after you've sent 36 messages???

Simple






...........She obviously wants you to keep trying.


Blame everyone but yourself

Deny, deny, deny.

That's right, the world needs to take responsibility for all the pain you have been subjected to. Project every ounce of anger towards any inconsequential event no matter how unrelated and irrelevant it may be. All the people who have been there to help you, push them away. They warned you from the beginning, but listening to the concerns of others is not a trait commonly shared by Crazy Motherfucking Ex's. So when you're thinking of implementing a grand display of public affection, its probably a spendid idea.

No need for eating and sleeping, stalking is the only form of nourishment you'll need

Oh, the sweet days of staying up all night chatting to the Angel Goddess (now She Devil). Those days are GONE, you now have so much free time to catch up on what really matters........ stalking her every move. Since your ass has been blocked on pretty much every social media platform, having a mutual friend on hand to share his/her login details could help you on your quest to stalk and map out her every known movement.

Certain variables one could look at;

* Recently added friends
* Check-ins
* Statuses which she "likes"  on a regular and frequent basis
* Recent comments
* Updated Bio's
* Shorter skirts and lower cut tops in recently added photos
* Cross-referencing Thunda.com pics with the pics shown on her profile
* Recent mentions on Twitter
* Use of smileys such as ;) and :P
* Use of "xx" or heaven forbid "xxx"

During this time you may begin to feel that you are now experiencing a diminished appetite, this could be the result of your bodies natural reaction to emotional trauma....ooooor it could be your bodies way of decreasing your weight in order to decrease your alcohol tolerance, enabling you to reap the many benefits cheap wine whilst resembling the physique of a Somali pirate.

The Greatest Crazy Motherfucking Ex's of ALL TIME

Jay Gatsby

 Mark Zuckerburg

 Aladdin

 Key qualities that every Great Crazy Motherfucking Ex should exhibit:

* Have a predisposition of a pathological narcissist.

*  Idealize yourself and your significant other to an extreme degree.

* Your acquisition of tremendous wealth should be fueled by your insatiable obsession for the pursuit of a perfect yet unobtainable romance. 

* Feel entitled to have what you want just because you want it.

* Always justify your grandiosity as well as your exploitative and deceiving nature.

* Present a surface which is charming and engaging, and a subsurface of coldness and ruthlessness. 

* Illogically attempt to repeat the same experiences.

The greatest Crazy Motherfucking Ex's all share very similar stories and experiences. It can be seen that the narcissistic tendencies which they force upon the world has resulted in them becoming tremendously successful in various other avenues in life.

You have now spent a few minutes reading this post, during that time you could have sent at least another 24 messages. She probably waited at her phone in bated breath, hoping that your next batch of tears in the form of texts would fill the gaps in your character that would enable her to gracefully swim to your open arms.

So go forth and embrace your inner crazy, and if you're going to go down. 

Best go down in a Blaze of  Crazy Motherfucking Ex Glory!

@CapeBandit

Friday ThunderBirds: If you're hot and you went out last week, you'll prob be in this post, if you're not..I shall not apologize

CapeBandit ThunderBirds are a GO!

Here in Cape Town it is now common knowledge that we have the most beautiful women in the world. However the research team here at the CapeBandits Mansion Headquarters have been noticing a steady decline in the number of women hitting Cape Town hotspots during the winter months. So to pay tribute to the wonderful ladies who brave the storm to shake their asses on the dance floors, we shall be collating some gorgeous women as a way to pay tribute and to encourage those who stay at home to come out and PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTAY ! ! ! ! ! 

The rose amongst the thorns does seem to have very good posture, and that not too revealing leopard print does cause me to reminisce about my hunting days...one shot and the leopards down, one shot of tequila and and this animal looks sure to break through any cage.  

Take note girl school skanks, these ladies pull off the "classy sophisticated I just read 5 Danielle Steel books so you better not say something stupid" look off with absolute ease.

Now these two look like they have been getting up to all kinds of mischief, and that dude in the background knows it. 

This guy couldn't wait to jump into this pic. Nice work bro, even though your t-shirt looks like a bit of a creative semen splatter I'm sure the boets back home will be proud.

Dude, haircut..that's all.. I'm sure a sharp new hairstyle and a few beads will get you out of the Friendzone with this lil stunner.

                               Chick on the left rocks a masterful pout! Well done on that



Stay tuned for more CapeBandits ThunderBird Social Commentary and what not.

@CapeBandit

Text your way into her...Heart/Mind/Bed

 

- This is based on real events and for the sake of privacy the names of characters have been altered...well..not really-

Chad: "Hey, you see that Angel Goddess over there?"

Friend: "ummm yes, what about her?"

Chad: "We totally hooked up, and she even gave me her BB pin"

Friend: "Whats her name, I'll check her out on Facebook"....."mmm, she has a decent Profile Pic, she has 280 friends and I'm sure shes a quality chick cause those women with over 2000 Facebook friends are always trouble"

Chad: "Awesome, I cant wait to text her, I think im going to marry her"

THE NEXT DAY....

Chad stairs at his BB and decides to text the Angel Goddess he met the night before....

Chad: "hey, im Chad, remember me? lol :P We hooked up last night and I had a great time and I'd really like to see you again because I think that you are so beautiful and I've never met anyone like you before. I would love to take you out to this fancy restaurant and we could hold hands all the way there. Are you free tomorrow????

6 HOURS LATER....

Angel Goddess: "Hey, I'd really love to go, I unfortunately have other plans."

...............AAAAAAAAAAAAAND END SCENE !

Now ladies and gentlemen we at CapeBandit Enterprises have influenced many great triumphs of human ingenuity and innovation. It saddens us that the human population shall be facing complete and utter devastation.Our genes are being un-apologetically whipped off the face of the earth as a result of weak Text Game.

We have now taken it upon ourselves to provide you with a definitive guide to texting...a mere mortal might stop there...oh no..we shall go further, lets be honest... trivial chit chat and pleasantries does not build attraction. So one might then question whether it was humanly possible to create that 'chemistry' that will leave her flustered every time she see's your name pop up on her cell phone screen. 

Before we go any further we must warn you that CapeBandits does not take responsibility for the endless amount of phone calls, texts, emails, Facebook wall posts that you will be receiving after you have applied the information that we will now share with you.....

Continue reading at your own risk.........

OK the key to successful Text Game is divided into three core characteristics, namely that of timing, content and prizability.

Timing:

Timing refers to the amount of time which should pass before you send off your first text message. Now gentlemen this area is often misunderstood. An amateur would tell you to wait 2 days, now this strategy would work well if your aim was to get last minute date cancellations. Now a CapeBandit would send that first text within 5 minutes....Is that a shocked face I see ??..I never said that everything you've ever know up to this point wouldn't be made irrelevant...Imagine the scene..

CapeBandit:  Inserts number into his phone...then walks away for 2min...returns and says "sorry. I just need to text this cute chick who I met, she seems interesting but I'm scared she might be a stalker"

Angel Goddess: "umm..sure"

Whilst in her company the CapeBandit would then whip out his phone and send a text to the Angel Goddess right next to him. It would read " Who is that awesome guy standing next to you?"

This technique would genuinely be met with laughter, its unique and it breaks the ice for you to text again. 

Another element of timing is that of response speed... the rule of thumb is to be BUSY..or at least appear busy.This places more value on your responses because ladies tend to loose interest in someone who is always readily available.

Content:

The ultimate purpose of texting is to flirt,create a little connection , and get the women thinking about you. So do not try to engage in long drawn out logical conversations. One only needs to analyse the methods applied by a CapeBandit.

A CapeBandit:

* Does not come across as "Nice"

* Does not seek approval

* Does not ask questions, he prefers to lead conversations...nobody enjoys interviews

* Does not extend invitations

When it comes to content, there is only one real rule...DO NOT BE BORING ! ! ! !

Boredom can easily be one of the greatest human fears, why you might ask? Boredom has no feeling in it. Women thrive on emotions and feelings so try to add some variety that is not generic or predictable. Lets illustrate this below...

Scenario 1

Angel Goddess: "Hey, what did you do last night?"

Newbie : "Went to the movies, and you?"

Angel Goddess: "Not much, chilled at home"

Newbie: "Cool"

Angel Goddess: "Yeah..."

Scenario 2

Angel Goddess: "Hey, what did you do last night?"

CapeBandit: " Hey, I saw a movie and it got me thinking about you"

Angel Goddess: "Ooh Really ?? :)"

CapeBandit: " There was this adorable little puppy, that whined like you :)"

Now it does not take a genius to figure out which scenario invites the female on a unpredictable emotional rollercoster.

Top 4 Text Conversation starters:

1. "When we were thumb wrestling you weren't wearing a glove. Now im pregnant. We need to talk :)"
2. "Think I just found some batgirl underwear for you"
3. "I think I just saw your twin right now..Are you stalking me?"
4.    CapeBandit: "Stop! "
       AG: "Stop what?"
       CapeBandit: "Stop smiling and thinking about me. See, you're doing it. . right. . . now. "
       AG: "Oh, you caught me!" 

5. "Yeah..You're fun...so far"

Prizability:

Even though you have been provided with all this information, your text game will still be lacking if you lack prizability. Women enjoy challenges and once you appear too easily attainable, you will be fighting a lost cause my friend. An analogy could be made to that of a cat, dangle a ball of string in front of a kitten and it will do almost anything to get it, however once you drop the string, the cat will sniff it and loose interest very quickly. Everybody loves to win trophies, however nobody really cares if it was won in a one man competition. Show that you are confident enough to express your interest and if its not reciprocated, you are more than willing to end that conversation and move on to greener pastures.

So follow these steps and a new world of possibility awaits you...If you have any questions gentlemen..do not contact me...if it is an emergency..just walk up to any beautiful women and ask for me by name...

@CapeBandit

M.I.B >>> Men In Beads...What women really want !

I'm in some sort of prison cell.....I can’t recall how I got here, I hear waves crashing and the strong taste of chloroform still fills my mouth. The scratches and bruises are evidence of days of torture, I'm writing this message because I am in possession of a secret. This secret has been in hiding since the beginning of time, and those with its knowledge have been able to unlock the deepest desires of women the world over....I  am tired of hiding it, and I believe that the world is now ready... for the secret of

………………THE BEADS ! ! ! 

This item of clothing has said to be forged by the Gods and cast out of the heavens due to its immense power. You might see it every day; some even wear it and are oblivious to its influence on women. There comes a time in everyman’s life when he finds himself in the presence of an Angel Goddess….You’re eyes meet… time seems to stand still….the stars seem to be aligned and all would be perfect if only the right words would come to mind…your mind begins to wonder and millions of cheesy pick up lines go through your head…you’re hand starts to shake and just then…you’ve realized that time has not stopped, and you’ve been staring at her for the past 5 minutes without saying a word…whatever swagger you came in with, has been swept away…and the only thing you’ll be getting from the Angel Goddess is a restraining order.

Now gentlemen, the only way to attract an Angel Goddess is to present her with the very item which not even the mighty Zeus could handle. However your efforts will prove fruitless if you do not know how to harness its power. I will now share with you the secrets to unlocking the secret of….The Beads.

Step 1: The J-Sparrow

The J-Sparrow was made famous by the legendary Captain Jack Sparrow. The Jack is a style of dressing which harnesses the full power of The Beads. Without incubating The Beads within an aura of pirate coolness you’ll have nothing but a decorative object hanging from your neck. The pirate dress code has evolved over the years, and in 2011 it can be characterized by a V-neck tshirt, skinny jeans and a pair of ankle high boots.

Step 2: The Open

The secret to approaching an Angel Goddess in a club is the 3 second rule.  Once you spot her, you will have only 3 seconds to speak to her to make any kind of worthy impression. This also prevents the wearer from any kind of approach anxiety. Not to mention that The Beads power of attraction diminishes if you do not harness its influence within the designated time frame. 

Forget cheesy pickup lines…What I’m about to tell you should be the ONLY words which should come out of your mouth!

They are 17 words, 17 words which could change your life forever….All you have to say is…….

“Hi there, I need a women’s perspective on something. Do you think these beads are too much?”

Now, if you are reading this. I am sure you are of sound mind and mental capacity. So I am sure that you should be aware that ladies enjoy sharing their opinions, especially if it has anything to do with fashion. You are now providing the Angel Goddess with the platform for her to delve into her inner most desires to judge someone on the basis of their exterior appearance. 

There are many answers to this question, the top answers given by women can be found below:

• “Wow, they kind of look like Anal Beads.” (well, I’m sure you can figure out where this conversation can lead to)
• “Yeah, I really like your style. Somehow reminds me of that guy from Pirates of the Caribbean.”
• “I can’t really see it in this club light, I have this awesome bed lamp which could allow me to see it better”

The Beads allows for an easy transition into some meaningful conversation with the Angel Goddess. It is a fun and easy way to beat the jitters and approach and meet new people in a fun and unique way. 99.99% of the women you approach will laugh, and Marilyn Monroe said it best by saying that if you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.

…..I can hear the guards outside of my cell, and I have attached my blackberry to a pigeon’s leg. I have given the bird strict instructions to fly this info straight to the CapeBandits headquarters.

The information I have shared with you is highly classified and I am sure it will prove vital in the preservation of the human race. With The Beads, you will no longer be a mortal man. Women love Men In Beads so you can now stand on the shoulders of giants and call yourself a Man In Beads or M.I.B!

@CapeBandit