I'm so glad that you could take a few moments out of your day of
checking which facebook posts your ex has 'liked'. We're on this journey
together and I think there are some things we need to learn before the
sheriff of the court issues a restraining order with our names on it.
So the bridge has been burnt, the contacts deleted, Whatsapp profile blocked and the
She Devils bestie hates your guts. If you're a chemically balanced and
emotionally mature individual, this post might not be for you, and
that's probably why your ex isn't for you either, you boring stiff. Now
grab a seat and your dignity as we embark on exactly what needs to be
done in order to classify yourself and a Boni-fide Creepy Off The Hinges Crazy Motherfucking Ex.
Now before I start I would just like to pay tribute to the last 34
bottles of Merlot, without whom I would not have been able to paint the
town, my shirts, my best friends car and every Cape Town pavement a
wonderful shade of red.
Right now, she's not thinking about you. She's already telling her
friends about this amazing "new friend" who really listens and
understands her. Of course you've already met him. He was that nice guy
who just happened to be there whenever she needed a shoulder to cry
on...what a good bloke.
I don't doubt that there have been other guys in your ex's life who have
really made an impression. Do you really want to be the forgettable ex
who just faded into his own passive aggressive world of Uct Confessions
style misery?
Being a Crazy Motherfucking Ex doesn't just happen over night. It takes
months of practice. Just like any professional athlete you need to
prepare your heart,mind and soul for the ultimate showdown. In order for
you to do that I have prepared a list of tracks which will put you in
just the right emotional state...
1) Lana Del Rey- Young and Beautiful
2) Bruno Mars- It will rain
3) Cee-lo Green- no1s gonna love you
4) Rihanna- Stay
5) Adele- Someone like you
6) Enrique Iglasias- Addicted
7) The Killers- Be still
8) Oasis- Wonderwall
9) Taylor Swift- A Thousand Years
10) Evanescence- My Immortal
Ok, I'm not even ashamed that it took me less than 3 seconds to compile that list.
We are now ready to claim our rightful titles on every service providers 'Blocked List'.
Don't let go. Ever
The vital thread that keeps all the craziness locked in is the inability to accept things as they are. Moving on is not recommended, shame on you for even thinking of ever being with anyone else. If you have any of her clothes, I wouldn't recommend building a shrine in her honour. Shrines take up too much space anyway. I have however been told that voodoo dolls and muti works wonders if you've managed to salvage a few strands of her hair.
Remember all those pics and messages you deleted?
Ha, oh you say you deleted them, but we both know that you saved and
backed it all up on your laptop in a folder called "Exam Prep". Now get
them all out and start reading, remembering and re-living all those
magical moments that you thought were going to last "5ever".
Feels good doesn't it?
Space- don't give it
Now this part requires a tiny bit of monetary investment. The last thing
you want to discover is that you've run out of airtime just before
launching into your bombardment of needy and insecure messages. The
Crazy Motherfucking Ex does not follow usual sms and call etiquette.
Calling someone at 4am is totally insane, however if you just happen to
be following a Tokyo time zone schedule, its totally acceptable. Now the
sms's and calls do not need to have any sort of justifiable purpose. All
that matters is that you are able to focus your emotional turmoil towards
another individual.
Texts:
You may now be wondering as to the structure and content of the messages you'll be sending. Research indicates that the following format is preferred by 9/10 Crazy Motherfucking Ex's;
Intro- hey baby/kitten/hun/snowpuff/sugarcake (whatever lameass nickname you called her). This will highly annoy her as your supplication will be seen as a method of repressing the true gravity of the situation you are currently facing.
1st paragraph- describe your current emotional state.
2nd Paragraph- apologize for hurting her and being such a dick, tell her she was right about everything and that you regret every moment you fell short of her dreams.
3rd Paragraph- tell her that you understand that she needs her space
Conclusion- wish her all the best
Now you may be thinking..."Aaaaw, that is such a...........normal message". You are correct. The only difference is that a "reasonable person" would have cut his losses after the first message'. Not a Crazy Motherfucking Ex, as its common knowledge that women love receiving heart wrenching text in rapid succession of each other.
What happens if she doesn't respond after you've sent 36 messages???
Simple
...........She obviously wants you to keep trying.
Blame everyone but yourself
Deny, deny, deny.
That's right, the world needs to take responsibility for all the pain you have been subjected to. Project every ounce of anger towards any inconsequential event no matter how unrelated and irrelevant it may be. All the people who have been there to help you, push them away. They warned you from the beginning, but listening to the concerns of others is not a trait commonly shared by Crazy Motherfucking Ex's. So when you're thinking of implementing a grand display of public affection, its probably a spendid idea.
No need for eating and sleeping, stalking is the only form of nourishment you'll need
Oh, the sweet days of staying up all night chatting to the Angel Goddess (now She Devil). Those days are GONE, you now have so much free time to catch up on what really matters........ stalking her every move. Since your ass has been blocked on pretty much every social media platform, having a mutual friend on hand to share his/her login details could help you on your quest to stalk and map out her every known movement.
Certain variables one could look at;
* Recently added friends
* Check-ins
* Statuses which she "likes" on a regular and frequent basis
* Recent comments
* Updated Bio's
* Shorter skirts and lower cut tops in recently added photos
* Cross-referencing Thunda.com pics with the pics shown on her profile
* Recent mentions on Twitter
* Use of smileys such as ;) and :P
* Use of "xx" or heaven forbid "xxx"
During this time you may begin to feel that you are now experiencing a diminished appetite, this could be the result of your bodies natural reaction to emotional trauma....ooooor it could be your bodies way of decreasing your weight in order to decrease your alcohol tolerance, enabling you to reap the many benefits cheap wine whilst resembling the physique of a Somali pirate.
The Greatest Crazy Motherfucking Ex's of ALL TIME
Jay Gatsby
Mark Zuckerburg
Aladdin
Key qualities that every Great Crazy Motherfucking Ex should exhibit:
* Have a predisposition of a pathological narcissist.
* Idealize yourself and your significant other to an extreme degree.
* Your acquisition of tremendous wealth should be fueled by your insatiable obsession for the pursuit of a perfect yet unobtainable romance.
* Feel entitled to have what you want just because you want it.
* Always justify your grandiosity as well as your exploitative and deceiving nature.
* Present a surface which is charming and engaging, and a subsurface of coldness and ruthlessness.
* Illogically attempt to repeat the same experiences.
The greatest Crazy Motherfucking Ex's all share very similar stories and
experiences. It can be seen that the narcissistic tendencies which
they force upon the world has resulted in them becoming tremendously
successful in various other avenues in life.
You have now spent a few minutes reading this post, during that time you could have sent at least another 24 messages. She probably waited at her phone in bated breath, hoping that your next batch of tears in the form of texts would fill the gaps in your character that would enable her to gracefully swim to your open arms.
So go forth and embrace your inner crazy, and if you're going to go down.
Best go down in a Blaze of Crazy Motherfucking Ex Glory!
@CapeBandit
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