"Nice Girls"..The Mermaids of 2012, they will sing you a song & then eat your brains

It was a Thursday evening and the club was packed, the 2012 hail Mary of tracks aka YOLO was blasting through the speakers. A tear ran down my cheek, or that's what I thought it was. It was no tear, the saliva of a nearby barking chick found its way onto my face. Never mind a few shots of patron I needed a rabies shot from the closest SPCA. The worlds most passive aggressive demon eyes were about to be unleashed! Just then, this immaculately dressed anomaly floated past. She seemed unperturbed by any male advances as she made her way towards me. This was it, the hundreds of approaches Iv made was soon going to pay off. A gift to the most deserving student of the game. Obviously, she had seen my dilemma and was approaching to offer her bosom as salvation. Alas, I was standing in a walkway and it was no secret that she had to pass my way in order to get to the other side of the club. 

I noticed that she had been scouring the club in search of something. If it was elegant, sophisticated well mannered human beings she was looking for, it was my job to inform her that her search was in vein. As this strangely aristocratic specimen brushed up against me, the Shakespeare in me wanted to proclaim to her that "love hath made thee a tame snake". 

Luckily my better senses kicked in, as I turned around to question if she was lost. She responded by saying that she was looking for her friends. I did not know who her friends were but I proceeded to sarcastically inform her that they had left, and that they said she should sit and chat with me. We spoke of life's great trivialities and mysteries, before she floated off again I suggested that we exchange contact details and she obliged. 

The next day I had a Cheshire cat grin on my face as I have defeated the odds to actually come across a "Nice Girl" in the clubs. This was going to be the last Hoorah before I retire from the game. I was looking forward to updating my Blackberry status with Michael Bolton lyrics and avant-garde hipster profile pictures. Before any of this could come to fruition I had to send her a message which could get the ball rolling. So I opted to make some reference to the previous night. Her response was grammatically flawless and suspiciously polite. Compliments were noted by a gracious "Thank you." and it became apparent that I was dealing with a individual of exceptional pedigree. I whipped out my Oxford dictionary, tuxedo, top hat, cane and slave as my journey into the age of sophisticated High Tea's and croquet would soon begin. The mermaids song had been sung and I was hooked.

 

I was smitten, and the sweet trappings of friendliness had blinded me to the obvious doomed fate which awaited me...Queue the bagpipes... I had been seduced into limbo, more terrifying than Davy Jones Locker, a zone which could not be charted nor escaped...A zone known as the......  

Some of you might be wondering exactly what being a "Nice Girl" would entail. If you are reading this after stumbling out of some random guys bed, you might as well stop reading right now. 

The Quintessential Nice Girl is;

* Modest

* Elegant

* Respectful

* Meticulous

* Articulate

* Intelligent

* Dignified

I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I do believe that spells...M.E.R.M.A.I.D! Coincidence? I think not! 

Mermaids just like Nice Girls are mythical creatures who have escaped prying eyes for thousands of years. Many a man has embarked on great weekend adventures to have his name echoed for all eternity for accomplishing the unthinkable task of coming into contact with such a majestic enigma. Mermaids are known to sing enchanting songs to seduce their prey before devouring their brains. Sailors were weary of their existance for their true form was unknown to the common man.

I will now expose a interesting characteristic that many if not all Nice Girls/Mermaids have in common..

They usually only have one friend

If ever they are spotted, do not be fooled. They hunt in pairs and there's a very good chance that her friend will not be a Mermaid, more likely to take the form of a  Psychrolutes marcidus or Blobfish (inhibits deep sea waters and is rarely touched or seen by humans). So it is advised that your crewman keep a look out for Blobfish looking to destroy your game.

"You totally shouldn't be speaking to my friend right now" Blobfish

There is no hope for me, my fate has been sealed. You might still have a fighting chance. Sing songs of my plight and pass this message on to fallen comrades for their efforts would not have been in vein as....

@CapeBandit

Friday ThunderBirds: Tribute to the unsung Heroes of the Night

Tries to Photobomb...ends up creepin

I would like to start this weeks issue of Friday: Thunderbirds with a poem by Walterrean Salley....for this week.. we shall tribute the unsung heroes of the night... 

Legends come,
And legends go.
Many that we
Do not know.
They’re not heralded
By a 'band.'
Nor flaunted by
Some magic wand.
Their names
We may never know,
But unsung heroes
Do they go.

These individuals live to the beat of their own drum. They do not follow the heard, instead they create new paths for others to walk upon. Unsung heroes of the night go out of their way to ensure that they are in every one of your pictures. This is not about vanity people.. this is about making your future facebook and blackberry profile pictures the best that they can be....and for this..we salute you.

 

 "O, hey there! Excuse me whilst steal your limelight"

 

"She said she loved me..I just left to go to the bar to get her a drink.... and now I come back to find her arms around another man....It must be his Beads...women love beads"

If only our man had read Bandits post about "M.I.B>>>Men in Beads..what women really want"

                                             This chick could lick you from a mile away!

                                         
                                              "Look bro...its not Gay if its in a three-way"

Something tells me that this was a girls night out and our good man over there will definitely be tagged on facebook as "OMG, who was that guy"....Who is he..do you really want to know.. he is... a unsung hero of the night!

                                 You Know this song started playing as soon as they took this pic!!!

OH OH OH OH OH...
You got a 100 dollar bill put yo' hands up
You got a 50 dollar bill put yo' hands up
You got a 20 dollar bill put yo' hands up
You got a 10 dollar bill put yo' hands up
Single ladies
I can't hear ya'll
Single ladies
Make noise!
Single ladies
I can't hear ya'll
Single ladies
Make noise! 

                                 "Ooooh Yeah....That roofy should be kicking in any minute now"

                     
                   "Come out to the club they said, they wont play that fucking YOLO song they said"

                                         
                                         Ladies.............Welcome to The Gun Show...BOOOOM

 "What the hell am I doing here? I cant believe I'm missing Vamp Diaries for this place...and who the hell is trying to touch my breasts??"

 I know this post is supposed to be about the peeps in the background, but I must give credit whenever its due! Those are banging beads soldier!

As for the chicks, those two are definitely judging her boyfriends ex!

 "I don't always come out to clubs to perv at women, but when I do I make sure I'm wearing my creeping glasses"

                          "MMMMMMMMMM YUMMMMMMY......GET IN MY BELLY!!!!!!!!"


@CapeBandit

Friday ThunderBirds: If you're hot and you went out last week, you'll prob be in this post, if you're not..I shall not apologize

CapeBandit ThunderBirds are a GO!

Here in Cape Town it is now common knowledge that we have the most beautiful women in the world. However the research team here at the CapeBandits Mansion Headquarters have been noticing a steady decline in the number of women hitting Cape Town hotspots during the winter months. So to pay tribute to the wonderful ladies who brave the storm to shake their asses on the dance floors, we shall be collating some gorgeous women as a way to pay tribute and to encourage those who stay at home to come out and PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTAY ! ! ! ! ! 

The rose amongst the thorns does seem to have very good posture, and that not too revealing leopard print does cause me to reminisce about my hunting days...one shot and the leopards down, one shot of tequila and and this animal looks sure to break through any cage.  

Take note girl school skanks, these ladies pull off the "classy sophisticated I just read 5 Danielle Steel books so you better not say something stupid" look off with absolute ease.

Now these two look like they have been getting up to all kinds of mischief, and that dude in the background knows it. 

This guy couldn't wait to jump into this pic. Nice work bro, even though your t-shirt looks like a bit of a creative semen splatter I'm sure the boets back home will be proud.

Dude, haircut..that's all.. I'm sure a sharp new hairstyle and a few beads will get you out of the Friendzone with this lil stunner.

                               Chick on the left rocks a masterful pout! Well done on that



Stay tuned for more CapeBandits ThunderBird Social Commentary and what not.

@CapeBandit

Shoutout to all the Annoying Couples

An Annoying Couple(AC) can be defined as two individuals who consistently go out of their way to show the world over facebook, blackberry messenger statuses and twitter how much they love each other. Their sole purpose is to ensure that YOU, yes YOU are made aware of their undying "love" every 10 minutes of the day. I implore each and every one of you to go out there and find your very own Annoying Couple.Add them on BBM, find them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter! This is very important, as I will now disclose how these idiotic expressions of love will indeed be moving this country forward. 

In the run up to the South African presidential election campaign, there are many issues which need to be addressed, one of the most contentious challenges is that of unemployment amongst the youth. The country is rife with unplanned teenaged pregnancy and the number of young people who are dropping out of school to support their new families are on the rise. Now I am not suggesting that I am indeed a political socioeconomic genius, but problems such as this require drastic and innovative solutions. The key to prosperity lies in the hands of ACs. They are doing a great service to the country as they forgo their constitutional rights to privacy and dignity in order to illustrate and characterize a play by play view of arbitrary co-dependent attention seeking approval needing superficial relationships. 

Now some of you might be questioning how exactly a AC can be identified, below I have listed two key characteristics which may aid you in your search;

The "I'm so deep because I have song lyrics as Profile Pictures" Annoying Couple:

ACs have a unique ability to express their feelings to one another not through speech but through the use of highly advanced lyrics imposed onto sombre hipsterish backgrounds.One can always assess the mood of each AC by studying the content of each profile picture and the frequency at which it changes.

Like OMG...thats sooooo Deep

So keep an eye out for couples who vicariously communicate their passive aggression for one another through quotes by Drake and Lil Wayne. 

The "I"m in a relationship, so I must be Shakespeare" Annoying Couple:

Einstein + Shakespeare= Anonymous individual who might or might not be named Chad Fourie

Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.

The feeling of love has inspired many prolific writers such as Oscar Wilde, Shakespeare,John Keats and many more. It has been a great pleasure of mine to come into contact with one of Cape Towns most prolific AC poet, he has disgraced the sanctum of manhood and for that reason would like to remain anonymous, so for the purpose of anonymity I shall refer to him as Chad Fourie. 

Below, are some of the great Masterpiece Facebook Statuses by "Chad Fourie";

* "When the eagles forgot how to fly and its 20 below in July and when violets turn red and the roses turn blue ill still be in love with you." 

* "I never knew such a day would come and I never knew such a love could be inside one. I never knew what my life was for now that you're here I know for sure......Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes :-) "

* "I know the way I feel for you will never pass, oh yes its going to stand the test of time. So your search for love is about to end, your future holds a place where true love begins"

* "Is all for one person in the world ........The key is yours.....You own the treasure chest....Keep it close to you :P"

* "I love you, ill love you all along...I miss you...you are far away for too long..I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go :).....I stop breathing when I do not see you anymore"

* "I want you to know , that if I could fly, I would pick you up into the night and show you love like you never seen,everseen!!!!" 

AAAAAAAAAAAAND MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE ................

*   "Gosh seeing you makes all other beauty in the world seem as if they're all different shades of grey while you stick out like a kaleidoscope of all colours in the world.....a Kaleidoscope of Awesomeness"

.......Yes...he said Kaleidoscope of Awesomeness..........

After many months of research it has been discovered that for every 1 post, status update and tweet  made by an AC, 10 young individuals pick up a textbook to improve their chances of finding more intellectually meaningful and rewarding relationships.

That's a 1:10 ratio people. We need to do this not only for ourselves...but for the children...
 

Viva la Revolution !

@CapeBandit

Bandit went to Thailand. Pulled Chicks, drank Beer & wrote a Blog post: Part 1

The question of whether a mortal male could withstand over 15hrs worth of flying in economy class seats had been put to the test. It had however been proven over and over that the human race can go beyond its limits when provided with the right motivation. In this particular case the picturesque beaches of Phuket and never ending parties fueled the endurance that was later rewarded with memories which might raise more than just a few eyebrows. 

The trick to uncomfortable economy class seats is to find the most efficient method which allows you to rest your head whilst still scouting the cleavage of passing Malaysian Air hostesses. 13 hours later we arrived in Phuket. We were welcomed by the demonic look of Asian custom officials; just their presence alone raised the suspicion that you might be executed for having Panados in your possession. Even though we were all paranoid, it was already tacitly agreed that we would go on without anyone who was pulled over by immigration agents.

We were then whisked away en route to our uber chic hotel called the Centra Ashlee in Patong. Our non compliant Thai driver seemed to be unresponsive to any questions relating to tourist activities. However when the words Bangla Road was mentioned his eyes immediately glazed over. For Bangla Road was not to be taken lightly.

We had only 9 days to leave our mark on Thailand.

The beaches and scenery were truly amazing, however I do believe you could go on any travel site and get further information regarding the various tourist destinations. So I will be providing a overview of what is truly important to any young jet setter - Drinks, Chicks and Clubs !

1) The Drinks

The first of many rules in Thailand is that you DO NOT attempt to sell or indulge in any form of narcotics. If you think they're kidding. Try it and you'll be executed before you've managed to whimper out "Mom.....I'm in a Thai Prison". However there is a give and take relationship, for instance. It is legal to drink in public. This proves quite handy when pouring drinks and having shots in malls whilst staring at peas and fish menu options offered at KFC.

Field Report # 3: Twins ??

TEAM PRESENT

* The Natural
* The Vixen
* The Blogger
* Crazy Person
* The Drunkard

LOCATION

* Toiga

THE SCENE

The digits 9:45pm flickered on the car radio...the full body of human knowledge could not explain why it takes women so long to get dressed. Thoughts of mutiny crossed our minds as we silently judged the Natural for bringing the Vixen along. A few seconds before friendships came to an end the Vixen emerged and we were off to tame the wild beast that is Toiga! GRRR! 

The constant smell of chunder in the carpets immortalized all those brave souls who had come before us. Sounds of <insert most generic song you know here> resonated through the empty heads of paralytic jocks and smug barbies strutted over all advances made by every passing male.  

We will make it in time for Free entry and 2for1 drinks specials

THE GROUPS

* The group of birthday girls who had literally spent the whole night looking for each other

* The twins (I really need to read up in Richard Dawkins selfish gene theory cause it still perplexes me how one twin can more ummmm 'genetically gifted' than the other) 

* The strange chick who suffered from  Chirophobia-Fear of touching someones hands (I could not even make this stuff up)

* Dr Bones and crew 

* Random dude who kept following me asking if I wanted to work for his promo company

THE NOTABLE APPROACHES

On this particular night I wanted to experiment, last summer I was the epitome of textbook game. I could gun out line after line and it had worked on many cases. However just last week I was at a popular pretentious venue in the atlantic seaboard. I whipped out the good old "Hi there, I need a women’s perspective on something. Do you think these beads are too much?" line.........aaaaaaaand it didn't seem to work.Well I had received a response but I could see that the line had gone right over her head. Looking back, there could only be two valid explanations for this anomaly 1) I was not in the moment and my approach seemed contrived 2) Every girl in Cape Town had read my Men in Beads post and were now becoming wise to my tricks....The answer was obviously option 2, so I had to switch the game up and try what seemed to be a very complex task...and that was to "JUST BE MYSELF". 

So that was it, I was just going to be myself...no lines..no routines...just usual boring banter...

As I walked up to the Group of Birthday Girls I was not going to use the tried and tested Birthday Girl Routine. I would walk up and think of the most generic boring thing I could think of...Mmmm...Exams...yeah...I'll talk about exams so I went up to their table and said "Hey, please tell me that someones writing exams next week"...The MotherHen responded and asked why to which I said that I wanted to know so that I wouldn't feel guilty about being out whilst everyone else is studying (yes i said whilst in a conversation, off course I speak exactly how I write).....aaand guess what happened next. They all burst out laughing and accepted me into their lil birthday bash. Thereafter they had spent the rest of the night looking for each other and asking me every 5min if I had seen where the other friend had disappeared to.

So I backwards engineered that approach and the reason why it had been successful was simply because I had the balls and confidence to go up to them and initiate a conversation without any expectations. I then wondered why so many other guys were not doing the same thing, until I turned around and noticed them getting piss drunk so that they could later harass any silhouette which resembled a female on the dancefloor. Then these dudes will only end up coming back saying that these chicks are such bitches. Truth be told the only chicks who usually hook up with random drunks on the dancefloor are usually floozies (In CT, these floozies backgrounds usually include private all girls school education, bad breakups, failed UCT degrees or yip..daddy issues).

Not really a true depiction of what I experienced, but close..well...not really

The Twins...the twins....mmmm...THE TWINS....well sorry to disappoint you guys but its not that kind of story. The approach was again quite standard. I saw them chilling and I walked up and said sarcastically "Looks like you ladies are having an AMAZING time".. they did the usual giggle giggle chuckle chuckle...Kings of Leons Sex is on Fire was playing so I asked if they were going to the concert. To which the one said that she had an exam on the day. Turns out she studies Archeology. I wipped out the Lara Croft Indiana Jones Banter and they were loving it.

It actually came as a shock to me that they were twins because the one was stunning and the other...ummm..not so much ( If by some chance you're actually reading this Ms Archeology chick,this is all meant to be taken with a pinch of salt, but genuine,don't party with your sister,kidding...or not) .This only became apparent after I had done the Best Friends test. How this works is that you ask a random question like "O,what shampoo do you guys use"..aaaand 100% of the time they will look at each other for validation before they respond. The Stunner was keen to give me her BB pin...Ha! that reminds me.. I still have to send her a message! Wonder when the best time would be..mmm...Probably just before Carte Blanche on Mnet starts, because its a well known fact that everyone sits down to watch it and nobody really pays attention to the first 20min about stupid save the animals crap.

I'm off to implement some BBM Game

@CapeBandit


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Visa disputes holts Coldplays Cape Town performance

The long awaited live concert by world famous band Coldplay has unexpectedly been put on hold due to the bands ties with Buddhism and the Dalai Lama. The band had been scheduled to perform in front of over 40 000 fans at the Cape Town stadium tomorrow evening. The bands manager Phil Harvey has told South African reporters that this is an outrage and that they hope to promptly resolve the matter with the Anc led government.

“The department of international relations and co-operation is dealing with it. I don’t know what will be the final thing. I don’t think that you can get a definite answer from me,” said Zuma after being questioned by News24 regarding the matter.

The Dalai Lama was invited to attend Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu's 80th birthday celebrations, to be held this coming weekend.

He had previously applied for a visa two years ago, but was refused one. The Bands close affiliation with the Dalai Lama is being rumored as the cause behind the bands sudden Visa disputes.

Anc spokesperson Jackson Mthembu has been quoted by saying that the problems surrounding the bands visa's are purely due to bottlenecks within the Department of Home Affairs and is in noway linked to the Tibetan political figure.

Cape Town waits in bated breath as both both parties have been rumored to have entered into negotiations during the early hours of the morning.

Disclaimer: the aforementioned information is a vilification of verity

@CapeBandit