The Greatest End Of The World Convo You Will Ever Read !

So last night I was minding my own business. You know, contemplating which stores I would loot if the world did come to an end. Suddenly, I received a very concerned message regarding my latest status update.

It went a lil something like this...

That is all.

@CapeBandit

Skyfall..Poofall. The Guy who shat his pants..on a date

                                                           Based on a True Story.

The parking lot was filled with the buzz of florescent lights. The digital watch on the dashboard, flickers the time, it reads 20: 50 pm. Young lovers stroll past the car oblivious to the impending doom which had almost been averted. Fixed eyes remained locked on the entrance of Cavendish Square. Although calm, his pounding heart reveals that the years of training had only left him ill prepared. His lower back still strained as a result of the trauma which it had been subjected to, he bites the pain to reach for his mobile phone. He manages to dial the number, it rings. Before passing out, he faintly utters his last words....."I just shat my pants".

2 Hours Earlier:

The sounds of iron hitting the ground, filled the chlorine tinged air of the Virgin Active gym. He had to push through his last set of bicep curls. A smile swept across his face as he caught the reflection of glimpses of other admiring gym goers. Tonight was the night he had been waiting for, all the hard work will finally be paying off, and blowing off some steam just before his big date was just what he needed. The flashing red light of his blackberry alerts him to the fact that he now needs to finish up his session. The need to look good far exceeded the risk of being late, and he continued his workout whilst tossing back a few more chocolate flavoured protein shakes.

1 Hour Earlier:

A new Cotton On v-neck had been the order of the day and a fitted jeans with new shoes had sealed the deal. Biceps were pumped, clothing looked sharp, and he was ready to go. A quick glance at the latest news had ensured that he had enough ammo to destroy any awkward silences. Motivational audio tapes played in the background and a new pine scented air freshener dangled from the rear view mirror as our hero made his way to the mall. He knew that his date had been dropped off and looked for the furthest parking bay available. This was done in the hope of ensuring maximum amount of hand holding and occasional boob grazes. 

30 Minutes Earlier:

There she was; a name gasped in the night, the one last word of a dying man, but one word that tells a thousand stories, a woman, who left her mark on everyman she met, she had more to offer a man in a glance than most women give in a lifetime, she knew what she wanted, and wasn't too particular how she got it, loving her was like shaking hands with the devil, and our hero was under her spell.

The movie was about to start and there was no need to rush for seats, as bookings were already made in advance. An opportunity such as this was not to be squandered and nothing other than strategically placed Love Bird seats would suffice, the absence of the arm-rests once again ensured a maximum amount of hand holding and potential boob grazes.

15 Minutes Earlier: 

The occasionally locking of eyes during scenes had  been a definitive sign that this was set out to be a date like no other. One could only question whether they had actually paid for a 4D Movie, the  temperature began to increase and the ground started to rumble, there was something brewing deep inside our hero. Something beautiful was about to happen. Our heroes date was due to witness the birth of a 5kg chocolate flavoured protein baby. It felt as though a evil menace had placed a bomb on our heroes colon. It was set to blow at any moment.

5 Minutes Earlier:

Suddenly his training kicked in;

Observation:

The moments ticked away and it was only a matter of time before every man, woman and child in the movie theater would be covered in shit. He had to think quickly and this was no longer a time for thinking, but a time for acting. Before any actor can portray his character, he would need to grasp the severity of his external condition. Observation would be key, and after surveying the area. It had been noted that his dates popcorn had been running low. He grabbed the box whilst exclaiming that it was of utmost importance that it is to be filled. After a quizzical look, the alibi had succeeded. A new challenge had emerged. The wonderful Love Nest seats had been neatly tucked in the corner of the theater, and a varied number of innocent bystanders stood between his current location and the closest co-ordinates of the nearest toilet. A game of Russian Roulette was about to be played. If anything was to erupt, their lives would merely be classified as collateral damage. Each shimmy past a innocent cinema goer, brought a sigh of relief.


2.5 Minutes Earlier:


In a photo finish he makes his way to the bathroom. The pack of popcorn gets flung to one corner as he scrambles to undo the buckles of his pants. Just like the calm before the storm, the world falls silent. The sweet sounds of Michael Bolton resonates through the bathroom speakers and suddenly...nothing. Could this have been a false alarm? Was this all just another test by the agency?

Whilst in the bathroom. He thanks the Lord Jehovah all mighty, and thinks it strange how at moments of crisis one turns to pray for salvation.

He then stares at himself in the bathroom mirror after washing his hands. Flexes his biceps and makes his way back to the movie.

Just when his foot hit the second step of the bathroom exit. Satan came knocking, and the roars of the 5kg Protein Baby came back to life. The demon was to emerge from the pits of the abyss to encapsulate and engulf all those in its path. Such vigor could only be held captive by the sphincter of our heroes anus. As he staggered towards a nearby toilet booth, the psychological pain was subjected to further turmoil as there was no toilet paper in the booth. Tears made its way down his face...time stood still..the flowing of tears..was then met..by the release...of the 5KG PROTEIN BABY !!

Cotton-On Vneck, fitted jeans, socks, shoes, blackberry....parking ticket..

Nothing was spared.

Present time:

Sitting in the car.

Shellshock....

The sounds of screaming soccer moms flashes across the battered mind of our now defeated hero. For they, had been subjected to the sight of a shit covered arsehole galloping across the shimmering floors of Cavendish Square.

No memorials will be held, no songs will be sung. The 21-gun salute will be put to rest.

Only two thoughts now reside in our heroes mind;

1) Is his date still waiting for the popcorn?

and

2) Will this dangling pine covered air freshener be enough to camouflage the smell of defeat?

 The End

@CapeBandit

ANCYL Marches to Cape Town CBD..in Style!

Deputy  President of the ANCYL Ronald Lamola, announced that the league requires not only new leadership, but a new way to conduct effective marches.

The ANCYL aimed to cause a stir in the Cape Town CBD, and they did not disappoint as onlookers watched in complete amazement.


@CapeBandit

"Nice Girls"..The Mermaids of 2012, they will sing you a song & then eat your brains

It was a Thursday evening and the club was packed, the 2012 hail Mary of tracks aka YOLO was blasting through the speakers. A tear ran down my cheek, or that's what I thought it was. It was no tear, the saliva of a nearby barking chick found its way onto my face. Never mind a few shots of patron I needed a rabies shot from the closest SPCA. The worlds most passive aggressive demon eyes were about to be unleashed! Just then, this immaculately dressed anomaly floated past. She seemed unperturbed by any male advances as she made her way towards me. This was it, the hundreds of approaches Iv made was soon going to pay off. A gift to the most deserving student of the game. Obviously, she had seen my dilemma and was approaching to offer her bosom as salvation. Alas, I was standing in a walkway and it was no secret that she had to pass my way in order to get to the other side of the club. 

I noticed that she had been scouring the club in search of something. If it was elegant, sophisticated well mannered human beings she was looking for, it was my job to inform her that her search was in vein. As this strangely aristocratic specimen brushed up against me, the Shakespeare in me wanted to proclaim to her that "love hath made thee a tame snake". 

Luckily my better senses kicked in, as I turned around to question if she was lost. She responded by saying that she was looking for her friends. I did not know who her friends were but I proceeded to sarcastically inform her that they had left, and that they said she should sit and chat with me. We spoke of life's great trivialities and mysteries, before she floated off again I suggested that we exchange contact details and she obliged. 

The next day I had a Cheshire cat grin on my face as I have defeated the odds to actually come across a "Nice Girl" in the clubs. This was going to be the last Hoorah before I retire from the game. I was looking forward to updating my Blackberry status with Michael Bolton lyrics and avant-garde hipster profile pictures. Before any of this could come to fruition I had to send her a message which could get the ball rolling. So I opted to make some reference to the previous night. Her response was grammatically flawless and suspiciously polite. Compliments were noted by a gracious "Thank you." and it became apparent that I was dealing with a individual of exceptional pedigree. I whipped out my Oxford dictionary, tuxedo, top hat, cane and slave as my journey into the age of sophisticated High Tea's and croquet would soon begin. The mermaids song had been sung and I was hooked.

 

I was smitten, and the sweet trappings of friendliness had blinded me to the obvious doomed fate which awaited me...Queue the bagpipes... I had been seduced into limbo, more terrifying than Davy Jones Locker, a zone which could not be charted nor escaped...A zone known as the......  

Some of you might be wondering exactly what being a "Nice Girl" would entail. If you are reading this after stumbling out of some random guys bed, you might as well stop reading right now. 

The Quintessential Nice Girl is;

* Modest

* Elegant

* Respectful

* Meticulous

* Articulate

* Intelligent

* Dignified

I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I do believe that spells...M.E.R.M.A.I.D! Coincidence? I think not! 

Mermaids just like Nice Girls are mythical creatures who have escaped prying eyes for thousands of years. Many a man has embarked on great weekend adventures to have his name echoed for all eternity for accomplishing the unthinkable task of coming into contact with such a majestic enigma. Mermaids are known to sing enchanting songs to seduce their prey before devouring their brains. Sailors were weary of their existance for their true form was unknown to the common man.

I will now expose a interesting characteristic that many if not all Nice Girls/Mermaids have in common..

They usually only have one friend

If ever they are spotted, do not be fooled. They hunt in pairs and there's a very good chance that her friend will not be a Mermaid, more likely to take the form of a  Psychrolutes marcidus or Blobfish (inhibits deep sea waters and is rarely touched or seen by humans). So it is advised that your crewman keep a look out for Blobfish looking to destroy your game.

"You totally shouldn't be speaking to my friend right now" Blobfish

There is no hope for me, my fate has been sealed. You might still have a fighting chance. Sing songs of my plight and pass this message on to fallen comrades for their efforts would not have been in vein as....

@CapeBandit

Friday ThunderBirds: Tribute to the unsung Heroes of the Night

Tries to Photobomb...ends up creepin

I would like to start this weeks issue of Friday: Thunderbirds with a poem by Walterrean Salley....for this week.. we shall tribute the unsung heroes of the night... 

Legends come,
And legends go.
Many that we
Do not know.
They’re not heralded
By a 'band.'
Nor flaunted by
Some magic wand.
Their names
We may never know,
But unsung heroes
Do they go.

These individuals live to the beat of their own drum. They do not follow the heard, instead they create new paths for others to walk upon. Unsung heroes of the night go out of their way to ensure that they are in every one of your pictures. This is not about vanity people.. this is about making your future facebook and blackberry profile pictures the best that they can be....and for this..we salute you.

 

 "O, hey there! Excuse me whilst steal your limelight"

 

"She said she loved me..I just left to go to the bar to get her a drink.... and now I come back to find her arms around another man....It must be his Beads...women love beads"

If only our man had read Bandits post about "M.I.B>>>Men in Beads..what women really want"

                                             This chick could lick you from a mile away!

                                         
                                              "Look bro...its not Gay if its in a three-way"

Something tells me that this was a girls night out and our good man over there will definitely be tagged on facebook as "OMG, who was that guy"....Who is he..do you really want to know.. he is... a unsung hero of the night!

                                 You Know this song started playing as soon as they took this pic!!!

OH OH OH OH OH...
You got a 100 dollar bill put yo' hands up
You got a 50 dollar bill put yo' hands up
You got a 20 dollar bill put yo' hands up
You got a 10 dollar bill put yo' hands up
Single ladies
I can't hear ya'll
Single ladies
Make noise!
Single ladies
I can't hear ya'll
Single ladies
Make noise! 

                                 "Ooooh Yeah....That roofy should be kicking in any minute now"

                     
                   "Come out to the club they said, they wont play that fucking YOLO song they said"

                                         
                                         Ladies.............Welcome to The Gun Show...BOOOOM

 "What the hell am I doing here? I cant believe I'm missing Vamp Diaries for this place...and who the hell is trying to touch my breasts??"

 I know this post is supposed to be about the peeps in the background, but I must give credit whenever its due! Those are banging beads soldier!

As for the chicks, those two are definitely judging her boyfriends ex!

 "I don't always come out to clubs to perv at women, but when I do I make sure I'm wearing my creeping glasses"

                          "MMMMMMMMMM YUMMMMMMY......GET IN MY BELLY!!!!!!!!"


@CapeBandit

Friday ThunderBirds: If you're hot and you went out last week, you'll prob be in this post, if you're not..I shall not apologize

CapeBandit ThunderBirds are a GO!

Here in Cape Town it is now common knowledge that we have the most beautiful women in the world. However the research team here at the CapeBandits Mansion Headquarters have been noticing a steady decline in the number of women hitting Cape Town hotspots during the winter months. So to pay tribute to the wonderful ladies who brave the storm to shake their asses on the dance floors, we shall be collating some gorgeous women as a way to pay tribute and to encourage those who stay at home to come out and PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTAY ! ! ! ! ! 

The rose amongst the thorns does seem to have very good posture, and that not too revealing leopard print does cause me to reminisce about my hunting days...one shot and the leopards down, one shot of tequila and and this animal looks sure to break through any cage.  

Take note girl school skanks, these ladies pull off the "classy sophisticated I just read 5 Danielle Steel books so you better not say something stupid" look off with absolute ease.

Now these two look like they have been getting up to all kinds of mischief, and that dude in the background knows it. 

This guy couldn't wait to jump into this pic. Nice work bro, even though your t-shirt looks like a bit of a creative semen splatter I'm sure the boets back home will be proud.

Dude, haircut..that's all.. I'm sure a sharp new hairstyle and a few beads will get you out of the Friendzone with this lil stunner.

                               Chick on the left rocks a masterful pout! Well done on that



Stay tuned for more CapeBandits ThunderBird Social Commentary and what not.

@CapeBandit

Shoutout to all the Annoying Couples

An Annoying Couple(AC) can be defined as two individuals who consistently go out of their way to show the world over facebook, blackberry messenger statuses and twitter how much they love each other. Their sole purpose is to ensure that YOU, yes YOU are made aware of their undying "love" every 10 minutes of the day. I implore each and every one of you to go out there and find your very own Annoying Couple.Add them on BBM, find them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter! This is very important, as I will now disclose how these idiotic expressions of love will indeed be moving this country forward. 

In the run up to the South African presidential election campaign, there are many issues which need to be addressed, one of the most contentious challenges is that of unemployment amongst the youth. The country is rife with unplanned teenaged pregnancy and the number of young people who are dropping out of school to support their new families are on the rise. Now I am not suggesting that I am indeed a political socioeconomic genius, but problems such as this require drastic and innovative solutions. The key to prosperity lies in the hands of ACs. They are doing a great service to the country as they forgo their constitutional rights to privacy and dignity in order to illustrate and characterize a play by play view of arbitrary co-dependent attention seeking approval needing superficial relationships. 

Now some of you might be questioning how exactly a AC can be identified, below I have listed two key characteristics which may aid you in your search;

The "I'm so deep because I have song lyrics as Profile Pictures" Annoying Couple:

ACs have a unique ability to express their feelings to one another not through speech but through the use of highly advanced lyrics imposed onto sombre hipsterish backgrounds.One can always assess the mood of each AC by studying the content of each profile picture and the frequency at which it changes.

Like OMG...thats sooooo Deep

So keep an eye out for couples who vicariously communicate their passive aggression for one another through quotes by Drake and Lil Wayne. 

The "I"m in a relationship, so I must be Shakespeare" Annoying Couple:

Einstein + Shakespeare= Anonymous individual who might or might not be named Chad Fourie

Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.

The feeling of love has inspired many prolific writers such as Oscar Wilde, Shakespeare,John Keats and many more. It has been a great pleasure of mine to come into contact with one of Cape Towns most prolific AC poet, he has disgraced the sanctum of manhood and for that reason would like to remain anonymous, so for the purpose of anonymity I shall refer to him as Chad Fourie. 

Below, are some of the great Masterpiece Facebook Statuses by "Chad Fourie";

* "When the eagles forgot how to fly and its 20 below in July and when violets turn red and the roses turn blue ill still be in love with you." 

* "I never knew such a day would come and I never knew such a love could be inside one. I never knew what my life was for now that you're here I know for sure......Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes :-) "

* "I know the way I feel for you will never pass, oh yes its going to stand the test of time. So your search for love is about to end, your future holds a place where true love begins"

* "Is all for one person in the world ........The key is yours.....You own the treasure chest....Keep it close to you :P"

* "I love you, ill love you all along...I miss you...you are far away for too long..I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go :).....I stop breathing when I do not see you anymore"

* "I want you to know , that if I could fly, I would pick you up into the night and show you love like you never seen,everseen!!!!" 

AAAAAAAAAAAAND MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE ................

*   "Gosh seeing you makes all other beauty in the world seem as if they're all different shades of grey while you stick out like a kaleidoscope of all colours in the world.....a Kaleidoscope of Awesomeness"

.......Yes...he said Kaleidoscope of Awesomeness..........

After many months of research it has been discovered that for every 1 post, status update and tweet  made by an AC, 10 young individuals pick up a textbook to improve their chances of finding more intellectually meaningful and rewarding relationships.

That's a 1:10 ratio people. We need to do this not only for ourselves...but for the children...
 

Viva la Revolution !

@CapeBandit