BOOBS......Part 1 of 3

The History of Boobs

They are some of the most powerful instruments man have come to behold. Men do crazy things for them, irrational things, stupid things. I once heard a story of a man who threw his cell phone into his own beer mug, just at the hope of touching a pair he had laid his eyes on one night (yes beer, and it was a full beer at that). Or even worse a story many of us are now so familiar with today, the old tale of Tybones Gaybatta, a man who gave away all his ability to gain muscle and charm just to grace his eyes upon a pair. We even owe the existence of the continents to them. Men such as Christopher Columbus, Galileo, Jan Van Riebeeck and so many more traveling the seas,  in search of the unknown because they grew tired of the boobs on their land and went out in search of new ones. 

But it seems the power of these mythical enchantments date even further back and the signs are everywhere, some still standing testament to this very day. And one such story eclipses it all as the epitome of the power of boobs. So come with me on this journey as I unravel the splendid mysteries of the greatest story never told… about boobs.

Our story begins 2300 years ago. An almighty man by the name of Azeg had ruled a nation with zest and cunning and towards the later stages of his prolific life he had come to conquer so much land, all the way from the desert to the seas and everything within it, but yet none of this truly made him happy. For ever since his quest for greatness began he always had a gap in his heart, an empty desire he just could not quite understand. But one day he laid his eyes on the most beautiful women he had come to see. Ever. And suddenly that gap he had so long fought to seal, seemed to draw near to its fulfillment. Her name was T’pyge and from that day forward Azeg vowed to do everything in his power to have her. He tried everything. 1000pushups in a row, bench pressing 4camels, buying her the rarest silk linens but all to no avail. It seemed that no amounts of delicious food, gold, jewelry or servants could sway her to bed with him. So Azeg with flames of determination said to himself “Alright fuck this, I know just what to do!” Azeg then said to T’pyge “baby girl im gonna build you a monument to honour your beauty” .

And so it began. Azeg gathered all his slaves and got them working on the greatest, biggest, baddest mofo of a monument that he could think of.  He toiled with architects and designers for months, outsourcing the very best materials of the land and strictly assembling his slaves working them sometimes to death. He was so brutal in his ways that if anyone were to make a fraction of an error they would be killed. T’pyge noticing this will and desire slowly started to grow found of Azeg as the monument began to take shape. T’pyge then said to Azeg, “Azeg when you finish this monument statue I will be all yours to do with as you please!” This only made Azeg hungrier with desire and so he doubled up on the slaves shifts with no after hours pay or any public holidays off. After 25 years it was finally complete, a statue monument so amazing and beautiful it overshadowed the entire city. It could even be seen from the heavens. T’pyge was thrilled when she looked at it and it was more than she could have ever imagined so she just cried, ran over to Azeg and said “I’m all yours!”. Azeg however having worked so hard for so many years on his creation that upon hearing those words his, body which had been struggling along just to reach the end, just fell to the ground and he died.

Nobody knows what happened after that apart from the fact that in memory of Azeg, T’pyge took both their names and wrote it backwards giving her name to the country which Azeg once owned and Azegs name s given to the monument he built for her. Azegs Monument still stands to this day paying reference to the depths a man will go to capture the beauty and power of boobs. 

Below I give you pictures of Tpyge and the Azeg Monument.

(Or as you now may have figured out Egypt and the Geza pyramids) 

It’s pretty clear to see what the monument was of but I managed to locate a more illustrative drawing by Deacon for those of you who still cannot see.

You may be sitting there thinking WTF. Or maybe just crying from memories of similar pains you may have experienced. All I can say is join us next week as we unravel part two of this boob trilogy as we discover why boobs have such an effect on us. 

The Athlete/Model