BOOBS......Part 1 of 3

The History of Boobs

They are some of the most powerful instruments man have come to behold. Men do crazy things for them, irrational things, stupid things. I once heard a story of a man who threw his cell phone into his own beer mug, just at the hope of touching a pair he had laid his eyes on one night (yes beer, and it was a full beer at that). Or even worse a story many of us are now so familiar with today, the old tale of Tybones Gaybatta, a man who gave away all his ability to gain muscle and charm just to grace his eyes upon a pair. We even owe the existence of the continents to them. Men such as Christopher Columbus, Galileo, Jan Van Riebeeck and so many more traveling the seas,  in search of the unknown because they grew tired of the boobs on their land and went out in search of new ones. 

But it seems the power of these mythical enchantments date even further back and the signs are everywhere, some still standing testament to this very day. And one such story eclipses it all as the epitome of the power of boobs. So come with me on this journey as I unravel the splendid mysteries of the greatest story never told… about boobs.

Our story begins 2300 years ago. An almighty man by the name of Azeg had ruled a nation with zest and cunning and towards the later stages of his prolific life he had come to conquer so much land, all the way from the desert to the seas and everything within it, but yet none of this truly made him happy. For ever since his quest for greatness began he always had a gap in his heart, an empty desire he just could not quite understand. But one day he laid his eyes on the most beautiful women he had come to see. Ever. And suddenly that gap he had so long fought to seal, seemed to draw near to its fulfillment. Her name was T’pyge and from that day forward Azeg vowed to do everything in his power to have her. He tried everything. 1000pushups in a row, bench pressing 4camels, buying her the rarest silk linens but all to no avail. It seemed that no amounts of delicious food, gold, jewelry or servants could sway her to bed with him. So Azeg with flames of determination said to himself “Alright fuck this, I know just what to do!” Azeg then said to T’pyge “baby girl im gonna build you a monument to honour your beauty” .

And so it began. Azeg gathered all his slaves and got them working on the greatest, biggest, baddest mofo of a monument that he could think of.  He toiled with architects and designers for months, outsourcing the very best materials of the land and strictly assembling his slaves working them sometimes to death. He was so brutal in his ways that if anyone were to make a fraction of an error they would be killed. T’pyge noticing this will and desire slowly started to grow found of Azeg as the monument began to take shape. T’pyge then said to Azeg, “Azeg when you finish this monument statue I will be all yours to do with as you please!” This only made Azeg hungrier with desire and so he doubled up on the slaves shifts with no after hours pay or any public holidays off. After 25 years it was finally complete, a statue monument so amazing and beautiful it overshadowed the entire city. It could even be seen from the heavens. T’pyge was thrilled when she looked at it and it was more than she could have ever imagined so she just cried, ran over to Azeg and said “I’m all yours!”. Azeg however having worked so hard for so many years on his creation that upon hearing those words his, body which had been struggling along just to reach the end, just fell to the ground and he died.

Nobody knows what happened after that apart from the fact that in memory of Azeg, T’pyge took both their names and wrote it backwards giving her name to the country which Azeg once owned and Azegs name s given to the monument he built for her. Azegs Monument still stands to this day paying reference to the depths a man will go to capture the beauty and power of boobs. 

Below I give you pictures of Tpyge and the Azeg Monument.

(Or as you now may have figured out Egypt and the Geza pyramids) 

It’s pretty clear to see what the monument was of but I managed to locate a more illustrative drawing by Deacon for those of you who still cannot see.

You may be sitting there thinking WTF. Or maybe just crying from memories of similar pains you may have experienced. All I can say is join us next week as we unravel part two of this boob trilogy as we discover why boobs have such an effect on us. 

The Athlete/Model

The Home Wrecker (HW)

Society has come to believe that nothing good lasts forever, and that all good things should come to an end. One sits and wonders how such concepts have now become conventional wisdom. How is it that we have a natural inclination to be skeptical when something seems too good to be true? This way of thinking can be attributed to a person…this person can be either male or female.Irrespective of the gender the intentions remain the same. The objectives of this particular person will now be discussed… This entity or enigma can only be described as……..

………………........................THE HOME WRECKER ! ! ! !

In order to fully comprehend the complexities of The Home Wrecker I would recommend that you abandon all pre-programmed thoughts of morality. For the word morality does not exist in the world of the Home Wrecker. The HW has a rare skills set that allows them to target and infiltrate existing relationships, they steal your candy and make you apologize. CapeBandits sits on an arsenal of WikiLeak type documents that map human behavior. Sigmund Freud caught a glimpse of the documents and spent the rest of his life proving and testing our already proven principles. 

Characteristics of the Home Wrecker

• Educated

The HW has often sacrificed many hours as a result of excessive studying or work. This perseverance within one area thus spills over to another. He/she is able to critically asses and measure and stealthily manipulate variables in your shaky relationship. Excessive use of arbitrary facts about random subject matter is also used to strike up random yet interesting conversations. 

E.g.;

Did you know that if you add up all the numbers on a roulette table it all adds up to 666?

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts

        Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.

Chocolate contains the same chemical, phenyl ethylamine that your brain produces when you fall in love.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles

Are you impressed?? Off course you are…Do you think it will put a smile on your current boyfriend/girlfriends face?? Off course it would.

• Charming

The HW knows how to use just the right amount of arrogance and witty humor. The years of conniving provides the HW with the skills to keep you engrossed in a conversation whilst flirting with you GF/BF.

• Resourceful

Yes the HW is a person with resources….The HW will have these resources on tap and will be willing and able to use it as he/she wishes… Resources such as; stripper poles which magically appear when the Xbox is on pause. 

• Fun and high energy

HW’s know the flaws of comfort and predictability which is usually associated with long term relationships. They aim to stay unpredictable yet stable; they bring about a sense of mystery and wonderment which seems to engross all those in their path.

The HW’s passion for wrecking happy homes often stems from their lack of intimate relationships at younger ages. Excitement is achieved in the process rather than the outcome. The process which HW’s commonly use will now be analysed for your reading pleasure.

Techniques used by the HW

• Indirect open

Hw’s would never approach a target directly, this cunning technique allows the HW to draw its target in without appearing to be the one initiating contact. 

• Identifies cracks

The HW is a keen psychological and behavioral profiler and he/she is able to very quickly assess whether there are any flaws within your current relationship. These flaws will be the target of the HW’s attention…

• Works cracks

Ms/Mr X has an insecure BF/GF

The HW will then proceed to do things to exacerbate the BF/GF’s insecurity. This will be carried out in a nonchalant manner.

• Creates comfort

By creating a level of comfort the HW will be able to escalate his/her’s intentions at a faster pace. Note: The HW will never speak to the target about his/her current BF. This is done to avoid any negative emotions being attached to the new welcoming experience the HW is in the process of creating.

• Builds trust

Once trust is established, the HW will then begin to portray normal “I want to be your friend” techniques. This is done to sway the target into thinking that the HW has never had any ulterior motives to begin with.

• Gambit

Once the target begins to believe that they have just made a new awesome friend. The HW then delivers a GAMBIT! This is a technique whereby the HW will inform the Target about a dream which he/she has had, that involved them doing intimate things.

The GAMBIT is a powerful tool for two reasons, firstly it provides a foundation on which the HW can now take things to the next level and establish whether there is indeed interest on the Targets part and secondly, it allows the HW to escape the situation entirely by saying “IT WAS JUST A DREAM” and it didn’t mean anything. 

• Take away

If the HW gets the green light from the Target in the Gambit stage, the HW will then take power over the situation and will proceed to not communicate with the target for a number of days. The HW will stop communication entirely to entice the Target to now make a move on the HW!

• Close

I’m sure you can guess what happens in this stage…..HOME WRECK COMPLETED!

Top 5 HW’s 


5

"So my agent says we're doing a movie together" Angie

4

"Who wants to be married for 22 years anyways?" Mike

3

"Yes Bruce, keep fishing..I think I might just have a bite on my side as well" Ashton K

2

"Monica...Can I see you in my office for a moment? No, leave your pen at your desk"

1

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
— Marilyn Monro

@CapeBandit

Barney Stinson VS Chuck Bass

In life, there exist questions which have kept philosophers guessing for many decades. Ancients have looked up to the stars with the objective of finding the answer to the meaning of life. What is the meaning of life? The team at CapeBandits took approximately two seconds to answer this question; the meaning of life is…a life of meaning…Easy! Now there is a second question which has yet to be answered, the question of whether woman prefer Barney ‘the legend’ Stinson over Chuck ‘the pout’ Bass. The Philosopher has taken it upon himself to uncover the truth. The objective was not only to find out who woman prefer, but to also investigate which womanizing tactics could potentially bring about the best real life results.

Barney Stinson is a confident womanizer in his early thirties who almost always wears a suit, likes women with Daddy issues and The Early Show described him as "utterly devoid of morality". He lives by the Bro Code and is known to take on outlandish challenges to win over gorgeous woman. Chuck Bass is a young billionaire with a flamboyant fashion sense and his only interests is that of sex and money. He requires very little effort when it comes to seducing woman, all that needs to be said is….”I’m Chuck Bass”.

In order to put these two womanizing heavy weights up against each other one needs to look into the key characteristics and qualities that woman look for in men. Both gentlemen will be rated in each category and the winner will be able to claim the glory.

  

  Looks

Now it’s quite obvious that almost any guy could pull off a GQ look when wearing a suit worth more than most cars. So we have decided to take a more creative approach to this particular category. 

As you can see Chuck struts the "I need to rub my nose because I just snarfed 3grams of Coke" look. Some ladies prefer this look because A, it says that his loaded and B, that he'll probably enjoy spending most of his time gazing into your eyes whilst he see's you take the shape of a unicorn. 

Barney Stinson no longer see's women as a challenge, not even men are safe from him these days. The fact that he is now almost unattainable makes him even more irresistible to women.

WINNER :Chuck Bass....The coked up look definitely attracts women leaving Tiger Tiger or any other trendy Cafe's in Camps Bay

 Past Conquests

Now we all know that woman judge a man by his previous conquests. This is called social proofing. Social proofing is a concept whereby a lady would justify their level of interest in you based upon  how many other women find you desirable.  Chuck Bass has said to have slept with enough women to overbook a commercial size jumbo jet. Lets judge this lad and see if any of his previous hookups are worthy of any praise.

Blair Woldorf

Little Jenny Humphrey

Dans Humphrey's crush Vennessa Abrahams

 Barney Stinson has slept with over 237 women throughout the series and he has even written a book called The Playbook which you can use should you wish to replicate his triumphant success with the fairer sex.

Lets see how some of Stinson's conquests measure up...

Stinson and Etv's Debra Patta

Spotted BS and Cape Towns Premier Hellen Zille leaving a hotel room together

Rumor has it that after Britney had Stinson..she was never the same

Yes J.Lo we know he is Legen...wait for it...Dary !

 WINNER: Barney Stinson....I'm sure we don't have to debate this one

So now it seems as though we have a tie. Both men are polar opposites to the characters they portray...So in the Battle of Chuck Bass VS Barney Stinson...there can be only ONE WINNER aaaaaaaand the winner is.....................

#Winning

The winner is none other than the Winner of all Winners Mr Charlie 'Tigerblood' Sheen...Cause if there is ever a person who lives the very same life as the character he play it is this man! Barney Stinson ,Chuck Bass and all the women of the world hail at his feet and bask in the fragments of his glory.

Do you have that Tigerblood?

@CapeBandit

Cape Town's dirty secret

I’m sure you have all seen this blady thing at some time or another driving to work or varsity or just anywhere around the M3. Some of you might even recognize it and not realize where you’ve seen it and for a while now I have been just like you,sitting there wondering what the hell it is!? Maybe it was just me but this had been bothering me for a while and coupled with my bad week in the gym only benching 3reps of 175kg’s, I couldn’t take it any longer, so I decided to do some investigating and get my mind off things. You would not believe what I found out.

I saw the first set of “eyes“ on the bridge just as you’re going down the m3 towards town 3km’s past the chart farm, so rationally I decided to start there and find out just how many of these “eyes” there were. The very minute I started looking they began to appear everywhere. At first it seemed as though they were randomly placed but what I soon discovered was that each eye was “looking” at the direction of the next one leading me along some sort of yellow brick road. With the thought of an Indiana Jones sequel rushing through my mind I began my adventure, motivated enough to buy a cowboy hat from those street merchants (for getting into character purposes) but unfortunately they only had funny money and the big issue in stock. Alas I ventured on into the unknown not knowing what to expect, every few minutes of the journey revealing another set of “eyes”.

After days without sleep, searching the inner chasms and darkest crevices of the streets, I managed to find a total 39 sets of “eyes”. I decided to then take all the spots where the “eyes” were and plot them on a map. (Below you can see the spots marked with the black dots)

After this though I was stumped. It appeared as if reality would once again suck the joy out of my hopeful quest, with no more leads and running out of ideas I didn’t know what to do next. All these months of toil and hard work for nothing?  Just as I was giving up on it all the picture of the map fell at an angle on the floor of my laboratory. And there it was staring me right in the face for so long, all I had to do was Horatio Caine a line between the dots and I would’ve seen it! The dots all aligned to form the word….

Yes that’s right….SANDERS!

Once I saw the word it made perfect sense to me where I had seen those eyes before. Every day on my adventure to uncover the secrets behind the “eyes” I would crave the original recipe of mixed herbs and spices succumbing to the desire of those succulent fried pieces of Kentucky’s finest.I had lost. Defeated by the man himself, all I had left was an empty wallet and memories. He had won this one. But I still couldn’t quite figure out just how he did it exactly. There is just no understanding it and that’s probably the secret behind the recipe itself. Possibly one of the greatest sub-consciously-mind-screwing-life altering-propaganda-like ploys to date that I have ever come across. He runs this town whether we like it or not and these eyes, they serve testament to his sheer power and magnitude.

All I can leave you with is this warning. Whenever you see these eyes, no matter if you stare at them or not you cannot fight it. There is no point. Just like me you will lose, you will crumble and you will fall, hard!

You cannot run, you cannot hide, because….. 

COLONEL SANDERS WILL GET YOU!

Regards

The Athlete/Model

@CapeBandit

Are you a Club Light Girl ?

 

Facebook has taken the world by storm and its uncanny ability to unleash ones inner stalker has brought the world that much closer. I even have a friend (Chad (not real name(or is it ?))) who goes to a party and is able to put a name to every scantly clad young lady within oogling distance....Magic powers? No...Prior to going out, he just scans through the events list of attendees on Facebook. I would hear phrases such as " Wow, she actually looks so much hotter in person, but could be due to the Club Light Effect"...I would then turn to him and say...Good call !

Club light Girls are ladies who increase by at least 4 hotness levels whilst under the cover of luminescent flashes, laser beams or smoke machines. For the ladies who do not understand how guys rate girls on the hotness scale; call up your closest guy friend and ask him what your rating is, then deduct 3 levels from his answer and that's your number doll. 

Any photographer knows that lighting plays a key role in capturing that perfect image. Our eyes are like little cameras, they detect light, and convert it to electro-chemical impulses in neurons. Light enters the eye through the pupil, and the iris regulates the amount of light by controlling the size of the pupil. Flashing and flickering light which is common to most clubs inhibit the full performance of human sight as well as other cognitive abilities. Club lights hide imperfections and accentuates favourable traits. The fact of the matter is that Club Light Girls are very aware of this principle. It is also fact that a man by the name of Thomas Edison invented the light bulb to impair vision with the hope of beautifying Grenades in the 1870's.

Day Light

Club Light

Characteristics of the CLG

* They are always seen roaming near bottom of the DJ booth, this is commonly the area of the club in which the club light is focused, thus enhancing their Club Light Effect (CLE).

* CLG's wear lots of make up and are known to be the ones who offer to buy random guys drinks.

* CLG's have many hot friends, so when they speak to you. They will ensure that they speak to you from behind the hot friend. This is called the HFSS or Hot Friend Shadow Snatch.

* CLG's have very hot voices, like a combination of Scarlett Johanssons" huskyness paired with Liz Hurley's sultry tone. So if you hear that they work in a call-centre, chances are..you might have yourself a CLG my friend.

* If you get a chicks number during a night out, and she does not want to meet with you after you suggest a picnic on the beach..however if she says..."I'm busy, but we can have a the picnic just before sunset"....You know what I'm going to say....CLG !

Now fellers there is a flip-side to this coin, I have illustrated the CLE, you should also be aware of the RCLE...The Reverse Club Light Effect....This is a very rare phenomenon in which Club Light actually hinders the beauty of the angel goddess..these ladies are called RCLG's ( Reverse Club Light Goddesses)...This could either be a cruel trick of the universe which teaches guys to look past superficial beauty and embrace the inner majestic and wonderment which exists within all females...OOOOOOOOR.........It could teach us to use our cunning and savvy to create ways to filter out the CLG's from the RCLG's!

I give you the SHUTTER SHADES by Kanye West!...I'm sure I don't have to point out what it shuts out!

Kanye West CLG Shutter Shades

You are now armed to go out and face the world!

Yours truly, 

@CapeBandit

Milf Hunters

Demi Moore, 46 years old, 4 kids

 On one of my many secret adventures into the mists of greatness and danger I had discovered something. It was so incredible that only the elite are able to speak its name. Just the other day whilst wrestling a tiger with my bear paws, out of the corner of my eye, I saw them. A league of extraordinary gentlemen mixed with the X-men. They had a concentration and cunning in their eyes that no mortal men could possess.

Kate Bekinsale ,35 Years Old; 1kid

 I approached them after I put the tiger into a sleep hold, a few words were spoken and I had realized they had accepted me. I had infiltrated a group that was as old and secretive as the Illuminati.…..The Milf Hunters.

Founded by a man who is a mixture of Richard Brandson, Mark Zuckenberg and Hugh Hefner, known only as Hughbronsonberg. Now I’m sure many of you may have heard about milfs, but nothing about the actual Hunters. The modern day Milf Hunter is armed with a Blackberry. He then uses it to stealthily take pictures of the hottest mom’s to ever roam the earth. Milf hunting is basically like being permanently undercover. Like the CIA just more intense. 

Hunters know each other through a blackberry group called Milfs. They communicate and compare their trophy like pics on this group. The trick is not to let the milf know you have taken the picture and one must always try to get the body and face in the pic, as we all know you get those milfs who are bottom heavy…. Am I right?

Monica Belluci, 44 years old, 1 kid

Trouble shooting

The difficulties of milf hunting are as follows. Any owner of a Blackberry may be well aware that a snapping sound is made just after the pic has been taken, and this can be troublesome in a variety of ways. A fellow hunter of mine was in a bank and saw a goddess of a milf. He dared to take the picture….. However the snap shot had alerted the milf and the people in the bank of his intentions, after sending the pic (valiantly) we are yet to hear of him again… other such ordeals involve jealous girlfriends, or even worse the threat of seeing your own mother on this very secret group…..

Brooke Burk, 37 years old, 4 kids

Now many of you may wish to make your own milf hunting groups. So let me, as the Bear Bass explain to you what you need to know about identifying a milf. Milfs have to have had a child or be old enough for us then to assume this, breasts should be bigger than an A cup. No one likes looking at a surf board kids. Secondly she must be drop dead gorgeous! She may not be ginger, as we all know gingers don’t have souls and cannot be attractive. She may not be fat, no one likes seeing kankles, back ache and people with a fat induced limp.

How to be a Milf Hunter

 The requirements to hunt milfs are firstly, years of skill, cunning and courage. Secondly you require a penis no smaller than 18cm- 30cm. No one said this was going to be easy guys, after many treacherous years of devotion and bravery only Frodo Baggens has shown I received the Nobel Peace prize and the Purple Heart for service to MILF hunters. I’d have to say men, obtain a Blackberry and do your country and mankind a service, go out and hunt yourselves some milfs!

Bear Bass