The Male species: 6 types

Women may want to find a man one day. Or now - unless you the normal tiger slut who drinks and finds the first thing to fill your mouth. I think most women will agree it’s hard to find a decent man in Cape Town and pretty much most of the world. We at the Capebandit team’s market research and women development have decided to help you, yes you, for free.

So basically, we have the different types of guy’s you are going to meet.


1) The “I’m a player” kinda guy 

Description and telltale signs

This guy can be seen with his player friends. They are generally loud and enjoy making noise for almost any reason (similar to a whoooo girl, just with less of a future). They generally have over 1000 friends on Facebook and ova 1000 pics on Facebook. They are heartbroken and generally empty - give them a hug and nothing more.

History

The player is generally born from a lack of breast milk if any - you could say he has mother issues, or that he fell in love and got his heart broken. Thus, he is now out to prove to the world he can do anything (except getting a degree). This guy generally treats women really badly. Women, these men will change when they decide to, not because you are the one. Whatever they have said to you, they have said to a thousand other women. You are not a perfectly unique snowflake.

2) The “I love women, but I cannot commit at the moment” guy

They generally have enough self-esteem to power a small tug boat, but confidence in their relationship ability of a small crayon. However the characteristics of these species may vary - some may not be good at being boyfriends, but better at being friends with benefits. They can treat women well, however they battle to commit to a girl as they are either too much admin (your ugly), too short (your ugly), or pregnant (your ugly). Let’s rather be friends (you are sinfully ugly).

One would say that these guys are able to be captured with good preparation - such as making food for them, going at least Dutch on a date, and kiss with a lil boob on the first date (a BJ be nice but don’t forget, if they’re not ready, you’re going to just turn into ‘that girl that he sees on the side’)

3) The “I love u baby” kinda guy

I’m sure you have all seen this guy. He has a gf. He loves her, and it’s all ova Facebook or MySpace or twitter. When u read his msgs or status, you taste bile in your mouth and the urge to shit your pants. His msgs go along the lines of - “Dear baby, I’m laying next to you while you sleep and I just want you to know you’re my soul mate, best friend and lover”. These are the basic signs of a serial killer (or a unic).

Now I don’t think any of us have a problem with love, but you do get the 'I love you whores'. These guys have probably fallen in love about 10 times (this includes their domestic workers and probably one of your family members i.e. mother, grandmother, brother). So, unless u want to be a number (and who wants to be the 11th person they fallen in love with), maybe up the standards ladies.

Description: Their girlfriends or moms still dress them, so it shouldn’t be hard to spot them.

4) The “digital world of gaming is greater than boob’s” kinda guy

Hunch backed with a small speech impediment, and the confidence of a level 5 noob in dota - these guys would have sex with their pc or Xbox PS 3 if the hole were lubed enough. Although we have all been there, done that - it’s one thing to game it up on a hungova Sunday afternoon, it’s another to give up your Friday night of awsomness to stare into the eyes of your favorite computer character. Ladies your job description as this man’s girlfriend is, cook clean pc. And guaranteed half-hearted, 2 min sex in between loading screens. If u have the ambition of a Stellenbosch diploma student, then by all means hit it up.

5) The Hippie

An unwashed species that is generally outcast from its group of acceptance. The hippies enjoy worn cloths and barefoot adventures. With no Vietnam to protest or lack of leadership by John Lennon, these guys wonder the earth in a daze looking for the next 'save the planet' rally. Surely you have walked past someone who looks like they cud use 50 cents or 1rand (in the case of a gut wrenching smell). If you date someone like this, expect dirty slave like living conditions with an unfinished lack of ambitions.

6) The Bear Bass

Although rumored to be the greatest thing to ever hit women in the last 20 or so yrs - the Bear bass has actually never been seen through a photo lens. He is tall dark and strikingly amazing. It is whispered through hall ways that he is hung like sea biscuit (that’s a horse people) and his nipples glow in the dark (who needs a night light). Although the queue is long he might get bored and pick you! Yes u, u cud be that mistake. Although only rumored to be a mystical creature of pleasure and intellect, we can all believe in fairytales hey ;) 

The Bear Bass