Want to know why girls cry ALL the time ! ! ! ?? ....Let us educate you!

This takes me back to my pre-school play group in the summer of 1973, the gang and I were playing the usual break-time games, one arm pull ups, tire squats, pulling chicks etc. but for some strange reason I remembered this day in particular. A mate and I were scouting the playground court for any talent when we happened to have our eye on a particular Betty. It was what we observed that day that confused us for years. 

A boy (let us call him Chad in this story) simply went up to her, they spoke for literally one minute and then the girl just ran off crying! Chad looked at us totally confused, shrugged his shoulders and walked away. This incident still so fresh in mind to this day was to lay the foundation to a lifetime of so much confusion and mystification for years to come. After this I would venture through life certain of at least one girl a week running down the passages crying or being hugged by a group of her friends... crying! But the same anomaly would hold true for every instance, there was NO reason 

Fast track back to present time and finally I have figured it all out. Finally the irritation over witnessing another tear would stop! I have the answer. From this day forward it shall be known that man rightfully claimed his throne as the all magnificent. I don’t know what and I don’t know why but finally I have realized that all this time it has been Us! All this time it is actually us Men that these poor women have been crying about. Contrary to what you may think here is actually why!  They cry because we are better than them and slowly as these girls grow up into satisfactory women they start to realize this too. As I look back upon my life it all makes sense. 

To summarize it all I think there’s only one way to best explain it. So for both male and female benefit, I have devised this FEMALE-CRY-TIMELINE. This clearly illustrates just a few of the vital reasons as to why girls cry throughout their life time, ALL the time be it in school, at varsity, in the shopping mall, at a club, we simply have to know the females age and apply the FEMALE-CRY-TIMELINE principles below and bam, problem solved. We will know exactly what girls are actually crying about.

Please be warned:  reading the following information will truly be life changing

·         Between the ages 5-7: Boys will fart on and around another human being, regardless of the sex, and it will be perceived as cool. Girls can in no way do this at all, your rear ends must be perceived to only produce diamonds.

·         Between the ages 8-10: Women can’t stand and pee. There are only about a million situations where this is a highly useful attribute.

·         Between the ages 11-13: Men are superior athletes. This issue bothers women the most because they ultimately realize that there are only a few sports they can make a decent living out of, dancing, tennis and dancing.

·         Between the ages  14-17: Eating a lot isn’t cool. If a guy can slam away eight racks of ribs in one meal he is somewhat of a hero. For women it’s during this time words such as hips and thighs become more predominant.

·         Between the ages  18-23: Pulling/macking/creeping whatever you’d like to call the exchange of bodily fluids with the opposite sex. The all known double standard of life becomes ever more apparent as the more girls a guy gets with in a night, the more champion like he is, but for girls getting with as little as even two guys in one week could put you up for a “slut” prosecution.

·         Between the ages  23-26: No matter how hard women try on the whole they will just not acquire the magical gift given to man known as “driving properly”.

·         Between the ages  27-30: Women have a natural affinity for aprons and the kitchen. When a man is hungry a sandwich must be provided and so forth. This is just the way of the world as it was in the beginning.

·         And the ages 30 and up: It is here that women start to realize that men only become more handsome and charming with age where as women…

So there you have it, I have sacrificed a lifetime of peril and torment to provide this in depth look into the abyss of the female conundrum. Al be it a shame that it has taken me so long to figure all this out, I do however hope that this wisdom may be passed on to younger generations so that they may prosper  due to my heroism.

PS:  go to gym

The Athlete/Model

He's the Man who can't be Moved!

Pic taken of The Lone Wolf a few days ago

In life..there are people who are all talk, when it comes to taking action..they buckle at the very thought!

This man..is not one of those men..The Johnny Walker campaigns tell you to just "Keep Walking" however this man would rather take the road less traveled and leave a trial for others to follow. Wherever his journey started...it came to an end at the corner of De Waal road in Plumstead/Southfield...Its like he arrived there and just stopped...and stood...he does not beg for money, he just bloody stands there in that pretty awesome jacket...EVERYDAY!

If you don't believe me..take a look at the image below. Its our guy in a pic taken by the Google Street View van years ago!!!

The Lone Wolf Spotted on Google Street View

There could be many reasons for him being there. He could be having a One Man Wolf Pack protest against the many injustices facing our country and the rest of the world. Our Lone Wolf must have been inspired by the great Bob Marley when he sang "Get up,Stand up for your rights".

Perhaps he wondered too far from home and lost his way, leaving the love of his life heartbroken. I was told that he wrote a song in the attempt to be reunited from his love, apparantly he gave the song to some guys in a then unknown band called The Script.

Police told him that he cant stay there, he said that there's someone his waiting for, if it's a day, a month, a year. His got to stand his ground even if it rains or snows, cause if she changes her mind this is the first place she would go!

So if you are the lady who this Lone Wolf has been waiting for....Please don't be a bitch about it, I'm sure whatever he has done in the past can be forgiven...like..his been standing there for years..cut the guy some slack!

If there's no woman..then extraterrestrial beings from another planet..you've forgotten one of your lads in Southfield, his GPS co-ordinates are here.O, and your other Alien friends can be located at the house of Parliament in Cape Town!

Until next time!

@CapeBandit

Valentines day!

Well.......yeah..that's about all we have to say about this particular day...

Glad that's done!

The Philosopher

The Male species: 6 types

Women may want to find a man one day. Or now - unless you the normal tiger slut who drinks and finds the first thing to fill your mouth. I think most women will agree it’s hard to find a decent man in Cape Town and pretty much most of the world. We at the Capebandit team’s market research and women development have decided to help you, yes you, for free.

So basically, we have the different types of guy’s you are going to meet.


1) The “I’m a player” kinda guy 

Description and telltale signs

This guy can be seen with his player friends. They are generally loud and enjoy making noise for almost any reason (similar to a whoooo girl, just with less of a future). They generally have over 1000 friends on Facebook and ova 1000 pics on Facebook. They are heartbroken and generally empty - give them a hug and nothing more.

History

The player is generally born from a lack of breast milk if any - you could say he has mother issues, or that he fell in love and got his heart broken. Thus, he is now out to prove to the world he can do anything (except getting a degree). This guy generally treats women really badly. Women, these men will change when they decide to, not because you are the one. Whatever they have said to you, they have said to a thousand other women. You are not a perfectly unique snowflake.

2) The “I love women, but I cannot commit at the moment” guy

They generally have enough self-esteem to power a small tug boat, but confidence in their relationship ability of a small crayon. However the characteristics of these species may vary - some may not be good at being boyfriends, but better at being friends with benefits. They can treat women well, however they battle to commit to a girl as they are either too much admin (your ugly), too short (your ugly), or pregnant (your ugly). Let’s rather be friends (you are sinfully ugly).

One would say that these guys are able to be captured with good preparation - such as making food for them, going at least Dutch on a date, and kiss with a lil boob on the first date (a BJ be nice but don’t forget, if they’re not ready, you’re going to just turn into ‘that girl that he sees on the side’)

3) The “I love u baby” kinda guy

I’m sure you have all seen this guy. He has a gf. He loves her, and it’s all ova Facebook or MySpace or twitter. When u read his msgs or status, you taste bile in your mouth and the urge to shit your pants. His msgs go along the lines of - “Dear baby, I’m laying next to you while you sleep and I just want you to know you’re my soul mate, best friend and lover”. These are the basic signs of a serial killer (or a unic).

Now I don’t think any of us have a problem with love, but you do get the 'I love you whores'. These guys have probably fallen in love about 10 times (this includes their domestic workers and probably one of your family members i.e. mother, grandmother, brother). So, unless u want to be a number (and who wants to be the 11th person they fallen in love with), maybe up the standards ladies.

Description: Their girlfriends or moms still dress them, so it shouldn’t be hard to spot them.

4) The “digital world of gaming is greater than boob’s” kinda guy

Hunch backed with a small speech impediment, and the confidence of a level 5 noob in dota - these guys would have sex with their pc or Xbox PS 3 if the hole were lubed enough. Although we have all been there, done that - it’s one thing to game it up on a hungova Sunday afternoon, it’s another to give up your Friday night of awsomness to stare into the eyes of your favorite computer character. Ladies your job description as this man’s girlfriend is, cook clean pc. And guaranteed half-hearted, 2 min sex in between loading screens. If u have the ambition of a Stellenbosch diploma student, then by all means hit it up.

5) The Hippie

An unwashed species that is generally outcast from its group of acceptance. The hippies enjoy worn cloths and barefoot adventures. With no Vietnam to protest or lack of leadership by John Lennon, these guys wonder the earth in a daze looking for the next 'save the planet' rally. Surely you have walked past someone who looks like they cud use 50 cents or 1rand (in the case of a gut wrenching smell). If you date someone like this, expect dirty slave like living conditions with an unfinished lack of ambitions.

6) The Bear Bass

Although rumored to be the greatest thing to ever hit women in the last 20 or so yrs - the Bear bass has actually never been seen through a photo lens. He is tall dark and strikingly amazing. It is whispered through hall ways that he is hung like sea biscuit (that’s a horse people) and his nipples glow in the dark (who needs a night light). Although the queue is long he might get bored and pick you! Yes u, u cud be that mistake. Although only rumored to be a mystical creature of pleasure and intellect, we can all believe in fairytales hey ;) 

The Bear Bass

Powerband Vs God

Much like any Monday I was smashing masses and masses of raw iron apart in the gym. I was hoping to obtain pecs capable of blocking out the holes in the ozone layer, thus doing my part for society and riding mankind of this global warming burden... Just then, one of my inferior gym partners told me some shocking news.....

Powerbands are not real!!!! To top it off, the creators have even given a press release to confirm this! I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. The rubber band hologram infused 'this will make you instantly invincible' thing so many have spent half a students salary on!

But the saddest part isn't even the fact that it doesn't work. I mean come on. We all knew it didn't, but we chose to believe! The Powerband had something to trump all critics. It could have gone as far as rivaling religion itself. That something was tangibility. In every religion you have the pessimists, doubters,activists and even wars!

Lets just say for instants Buddha himself was to float down from the heavens for all the world to see. BOOM! Everyone would believe and Buddhism would win. That's exactly what the Powerband did! It floated straight from the heavens of the child labour capital China, someone in a fitted shirt and a clipboard simply said "put this on your wrist and you are now a superhero" and the rest was history. Just because we could see the source of our belief!

That's it, its that simple! Seeing is believing. But now its all gone because these assholes said so!

Now what?

Do not fear I have devised a list for us to utilize these once prestigious bands and to ensure you don't feel like an idiot for buying it.

• Ask all your friends for theirs and make a rubber ball. The sell it to school children
• Make a slingshot and shoot people
• Guys- use it as a tool to measure your biceps (the higher up your arm it goes the more in need of gym you are).
• Girls- you can do the same thing except the rules are reversed (if it gets stuck..time for gym fatty).
• Chew it and act like its bubble gum!
• Use them as handcuffs for your girlfriend

Moral of the story...

Go to GYM !

The Athlete/Model

If you Ban Farting...Malawi's economy will cripple!

Lawmakers in Malawi are now debating the outlawing of farting in public places...Finally a government willing to take steps in the further advancement of the human race. Imagine a world where people were free to crack a fat one wherever they pleased, complete chaos would surely follow.

Everyone knows that Beans make you fart...and beans are grown with the aid of fertilizer... So to outlaw Farting. Malawi would need to engage in extensive government programs to prevent Malawians from passing wind...

The CapeBandits team of scientists with very official name tags and clipboards have now uncovered the truth....If Malawi passes the the ban, the Malawi's economy will be crippled...here's why!

Malawi statesmen have supported their arguments by saying that "Any person who voluntarily vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighbourhood or passing along a public way, shall be guilty of a misdemeanour."

This seems strange coming from a country who's entire system of agriculture has benefited from fertilizer subsidies since 2006 !

In fact the very fertilizer subsidies which have been allocated to the Malawi agriculture sector have thus contributed to the success of more than one-third of the countries GDP and 90% of its export revenues.

Just in case the people of Malawi are uninformed as to where exactly fertilizer comes from, we at CapeBandits would be more than willing to oblige them.  Without getting too technical... its Poo mixed with lots of chemicals.

It seems a tad hypercritical for a country who receives so much benefits from fertilizer to outlaw farting...

The economy depends on substantial inflows of economic assistance from the IMF, the World Bank, and individual donor nations.

In order to ban farting, the government would need to take active steps in curbing the influences which increase farting, one factor could be to decrease Malawians consumption of beans...With 53% of Malawians living below the poverty line and agriculture accounting for more than 33.4% of Malawi's GDP, it would thus impossible to decrease the already undernourished diets of the people of Malawi.

Malawi's entire economy is receiving substantial benefits from the end result of a Fart...ie.... fertilizer (Poo).

Ban of Farting = Decrease in Fertilizer = End of Bean farming = Malnutition and unemployment = callapse of Mallawian economy....

Glad to be of service!

The Philosopher

Sokkie Dance Clubs..SA salutes you

This post was originally going to compare Southern Suburbs and Northern Suburbs ladies. However after attending a Sokkie Party at theeeee Sokkie clubs of Sokkie clubs the Klipwerf Danssaal in Bellville. I have come to a realisation that such a comparison could not be made. Ladies and gentleman, I do believe that the Sokkie clubs are moving this nation forward and here's why...

1) There's no way of looking like a badass at a Sokkie Party

Oh yes sir, you can try. Try as you might and you will fail. Certainly you will always find those few guys leaning against a wall in the corner trying to look Badass...however as soon as their levels of Badassism increase the DJ interrupts their gangster 2step with the Macarena, and BOOM everyone jumps out their seats to participate in a beautifully choreographed  collective movements known as a "JIG/Line dance".

Imagine being threatened  by one of these guys...."HEY BRU! Im going to kick your ass as soon as I finish this line dance!!" haha.

2) Northern suburbs girls are HOT... and now lets just take a moment to reflect upon this statement.

Girls from the NBurbs seems as though they are way more chilled and friendly ....I learn through pictures, so let me make a visual demonstration....

S-burbs Girl                                                                                       N-burbs Girl

Do you see the difference???...........NUFF said..

3) No Game required

In the Southern Suburbs us normal guys require a certain amount of charm, suave and courage to penetrate the circle of 'Eff-Off' created on the dance floor by at least 1 Hot Chick and 3 other Grenades.

In the Northern Suburbs.....All you do is walk up and say "Dans?" 

So lads if you are keen to dance alone whilst being surrounded by walls of "Eff Offs" then the Sburbs is the place to go! If you want to have a REAL party and spend the night gently caressing the lower backs of  Jennifer Aniston look alikes to the sound of Monster Sokkie Trefferes...then the Klipwerf Danssaal is the place for you my friend!

Go forth and prosper!

How to party with a R20 to your name

 So students...

This ones for you. So we do Promotions, waiter at places we'll never actually eat at and drive around delivering pizza's in a tux. Then you find yourself spending more time staring at that dodgy gumtree add which reads 'Interested in the Adult Film Industry ?'

So before you go ahead and sell your soul for R1000 p/h (tempting) . Let me provide you with some ways to go out with a budget tighter than Hiddingh Campus clothing apparel

Assuming you have a budget no more than R20 for the night, you find yourself with very limited options. One of which could involve staying at home and watching Jersey Shore.

Ooooooor you could take the road less traveled and leave a trial for other cheap ass students.

So I will now provide you with a trial and tested 5 step game plan which has been successfully implemented on many occasions (by a friend of mine, not me Obviously)

Since you'll be going out with friends it would be wise to convert that R20 into the following increments


R2 coin

R10 note
R5 coin
Three R1 coins....


The reasons for aforementioned conversion will be detailed below.

STEP ONE: before going out

It would be wise to change your Facebook/Twitter/BBM status to hint that you're not feeling very well. This should be done at least 1 hour before you embark on your cheap ass journey.

So when someone questions your minimal alcohol intake you could respond with "didn't you see my status, I'm not 100%, darn Meds". 

STEP TWO: on the way to the club

It goes without saying that you should find a lift with a friend. Ensure that there are more than 2 other people in the car so that you could side-step your share of petrol money. Make sure that you pick a venue which has no cover charge. If you find yourself in a situation where you are faced with a R100 entry fee, you could always chunder in the Q and say once again " didn't you see my status, I'm not 100%,darn Meds".

STEP THREE: in the club

After your pal has parked the car. You find the closest Car Guard and you give him the R2 coin and say "hey man, I'll give you the other halve when we get back" (you don't actually give the R2 later)......Your friends think..."Wow..what a kind person.. R4 tip to the car guard before the night even starts".

STEP FOUR: In the club

Go to the bar immediately as soon as you enter the club. Order a drink with your R10 note, R5,R2 and R1 coins. You could get quite a variety of drinks to the value of R18 without appearing cheap. For those of you who are math geniuses you will deduce that your entire budget of R20 has now been spent...fret not young saplings...

You will now also notice that you now have a drink in your hand. Thus it is vital that you select something that could be enjoyed and sipped on for at least 2 hours. 2 hours may seem like a long time...there are ways to make a drink last that long. Some of which have been pioneered by the cheapest dam bastard that I have ever met! He reckons  you could use the "bottle-up-lips closed" maneuver  which basically means faking that you're actually drinking anything when you raise the bottle to your mouth. If you buy a drink in a dark bottle the cheap dam bastard says that you could even take a trip the restroom and fill it up with water.

Also try not to dance too much, it requires vital kilojoules which need to be maintained to prevent any further dehydration or possible fainting.

STEP FIVE: mid-party

Make sure that you are all over the club, giving hi5's to dudes and chatting up chicks. Do not stand still, if you do you might be inclined to take a sip of that now rather warm drink in your hands. Chat up chicks with no cash you say??? Easy... just follow some tips from THE PRO's and you'll be just fine.
 

STEP 6: Leaving the party

It is most likely that you will be half dead and on the verge of collapsing. Your friends would most likely want to grab some late night Mickie Dees, so there might be a gap for you to loaf a happy meal. Alternatively you could do the "didn't you see my status, im not 100%,darn Meds" routine and get yourself home and away from further embarrassment.

In conclusion I hope you have learnt a vital lesson......Take the Adult film job on Gumtree

@CapeBandit

First blog entry

Jessica Alba Nude Pics below

Now that I have your attention..... 

One sometimes sits and wonders the best ways to capture an internet audience. They say first impressions last...



Did we do well ?


Watch this spot boys and girls


CapeBandits