"Nice Girls"..The Mermaids of 2012, they will sing you a song & then eat your brains

It was a Thursday evening and the club was packed, the 2012 hail Mary of tracks aka YOLO was blasting through the speakers. A tear ran down my cheek, or that's what I thought it was. It was no tear, the saliva of a nearby barking chick found its way onto my face. Never mind a few shots of patron I needed a rabies shot from the closest SPCA. The worlds most passive aggressive demon eyes were about to be unleashed! Just then, this immaculately dressed anomaly floated past. She seemed unperturbed by any male advances as she made her way towards me. This was it, the hundreds of approaches Iv made was soon going to pay off. A gift to the most deserving student of the game. Obviously, she had seen my dilemma and was approaching to offer her bosom as salvation. Alas, I was standing in a walkway and it was no secret that she had to pass my way in order to get to the other side of the club. 

I noticed that she had been scouring the club in search of something. If it was elegant, sophisticated well mannered human beings she was looking for, it was my job to inform her that her search was in vein. As this strangely aristocratic specimen brushed up against me, the Shakespeare in me wanted to proclaim to her that "love hath made thee a tame snake". 

Luckily my better senses kicked in, as I turned around to question if she was lost. She responded by saying that she was looking for her friends. I did not know who her friends were but I proceeded to sarcastically inform her that they had left, and that they said she should sit and chat with me. We spoke of life's great trivialities and mysteries, before she floated off again I suggested that we exchange contact details and she obliged. 

The next day I had a Cheshire cat grin on my face as I have defeated the odds to actually come across a "Nice Girl" in the clubs. This was going to be the last Hoorah before I retire from the game. I was looking forward to updating my Blackberry status with Michael Bolton lyrics and avant-garde hipster profile pictures. Before any of this could come to fruition I had to send her a message which could get the ball rolling. So I opted to make some reference to the previous night. Her response was grammatically flawless and suspiciously polite. Compliments were noted by a gracious "Thank you." and it became apparent that I was dealing with a individual of exceptional pedigree. I whipped out my Oxford dictionary, tuxedo, top hat, cane and slave as my journey into the age of sophisticated High Tea's and croquet would soon begin. The mermaids song had been sung and I was hooked.

 

I was smitten, and the sweet trappings of friendliness had blinded me to the obvious doomed fate which awaited me...Queue the bagpipes... I had been seduced into limbo, more terrifying than Davy Jones Locker, a zone which could not be charted nor escaped...A zone known as the......  

Some of you might be wondering exactly what being a "Nice Girl" would entail. If you are reading this after stumbling out of some random guys bed, you might as well stop reading right now. 

The Quintessential Nice Girl is;

* Modest

* Elegant

* Respectful

* Meticulous

* Articulate

* Intelligent

* Dignified

I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I do believe that spells...M.E.R.M.A.I.D! Coincidence? I think not! 

Mermaids just like Nice Girls are mythical creatures who have escaped prying eyes for thousands of years. Many a man has embarked on great weekend adventures to have his name echoed for all eternity for accomplishing the unthinkable task of coming into contact with such a majestic enigma. Mermaids are known to sing enchanting songs to seduce their prey before devouring their brains. Sailors were weary of their existance for their true form was unknown to the common man.

I will now expose a interesting characteristic that many if not all Nice Girls/Mermaids have in common..

They usually only have one friend

If ever they are spotted, do not be fooled. They hunt in pairs and there's a very good chance that her friend will not be a Mermaid, more likely to take the form of a  Psychrolutes marcidus or Blobfish (inhibits deep sea waters and is rarely touched or seen by humans). So it is advised that your crewman keep a look out for Blobfish looking to destroy your game.

"You totally shouldn't be speaking to my friend right now" Blobfish

There is no hope for me, my fate has been sealed. You might still have a fighting chance. Sing songs of my plight and pass this message on to fallen comrades for their efforts would not have been in vein as....

@CapeBandit

Field Report # 3: Twins ??

TEAM PRESENT

* The Natural
* The Vixen
* The Blogger
* Crazy Person
* The Drunkard

LOCATION

* Toiga

THE SCENE

The digits 9:45pm flickered on the car radio...the full body of human knowledge could not explain why it takes women so long to get dressed. Thoughts of mutiny crossed our minds as we silently judged the Natural for bringing the Vixen along. A few seconds before friendships came to an end the Vixen emerged and we were off to tame the wild beast that is Toiga! GRRR! 

The constant smell of chunder in the carpets immortalized all those brave souls who had come before us. Sounds of <insert most generic song you know here> resonated through the empty heads of paralytic jocks and smug barbies strutted over all advances made by every passing male.  

We will make it in time for Free entry and 2for1 drinks specials

THE GROUPS

* The group of birthday girls who had literally spent the whole night looking for each other

* The twins (I really need to read up in Richard Dawkins selfish gene theory cause it still perplexes me how one twin can more ummmm 'genetically gifted' than the other) 

* The strange chick who suffered from  Chirophobia-Fear of touching someones hands (I could not even make this stuff up)

* Dr Bones and crew 

* Random dude who kept following me asking if I wanted to work for his promo company

THE NOTABLE APPROACHES

On this particular night I wanted to experiment, last summer I was the epitome of textbook game. I could gun out line after line and it had worked on many cases. However just last week I was at a popular pretentious venue in the atlantic seaboard. I whipped out the good old "Hi there, I need a women’s perspective on something. Do you think these beads are too much?" line.........aaaaaaaand it didn't seem to work.Well I had received a response but I could see that the line had gone right over her head. Looking back, there could only be two valid explanations for this anomaly 1) I was not in the moment and my approach seemed contrived 2) Every girl in Cape Town had read my Men in Beads post and were now becoming wise to my tricks....The answer was obviously option 2, so I had to switch the game up and try what seemed to be a very complex task...and that was to "JUST BE MYSELF". 

So that was it, I was just going to be myself...no lines..no routines...just usual boring banter...

As I walked up to the Group of Birthday Girls I was not going to use the tried and tested Birthday Girl Routine. I would walk up and think of the most generic boring thing I could think of...Mmmm...Exams...yeah...I'll talk about exams so I went up to their table and said "Hey, please tell me that someones writing exams next week"...The MotherHen responded and asked why to which I said that I wanted to know so that I wouldn't feel guilty about being out whilst everyone else is studying (yes i said whilst in a conversation, off course I speak exactly how I write).....aaand guess what happened next. They all burst out laughing and accepted me into their lil birthday bash. Thereafter they had spent the rest of the night looking for each other and asking me every 5min if I had seen where the other friend had disappeared to.

So I backwards engineered that approach and the reason why it had been successful was simply because I had the balls and confidence to go up to them and initiate a conversation without any expectations. I then wondered why so many other guys were not doing the same thing, until I turned around and noticed them getting piss drunk so that they could later harass any silhouette which resembled a female on the dancefloor. Then these dudes will only end up coming back saying that these chicks are such bitches. Truth be told the only chicks who usually hook up with random drunks on the dancefloor are usually floozies (In CT, these floozies backgrounds usually include private all girls school education, bad breakups, failed UCT degrees or yip..daddy issues).

Not really a true depiction of what I experienced, but close..well...not really

The Twins...the twins....mmmm...THE TWINS....well sorry to disappoint you guys but its not that kind of story. The approach was again quite standard. I saw them chilling and I walked up and said sarcastically "Looks like you ladies are having an AMAZING time".. they did the usual giggle giggle chuckle chuckle...Kings of Leons Sex is on Fire was playing so I asked if they were going to the concert. To which the one said that she had an exam on the day. Turns out she studies Archeology. I wipped out the Lara Croft Indiana Jones Banter and they were loving it.

It actually came as a shock to me that they were twins because the one was stunning and the other...ummm..not so much ( If by some chance you're actually reading this Ms Archeology chick,this is all meant to be taken with a pinch of salt, but genuine,don't party with your sister,kidding...or not) .This only became apparent after I had done the Best Friends test. How this works is that you ask a random question like "O,what shampoo do you guys use"..aaaand 100% of the time they will look at each other for validation before they respond. The Stunner was keen to give me her BB pin...Ha! that reminds me.. I still have to send her a message! Wonder when the best time would be..mmm...Probably just before Carte Blanche on Mnet starts, because its a well known fact that everyone sits down to watch it and nobody really pays attention to the first 20min about stupid save the animals crap.

I'm off to implement some BBM Game

@CapeBandit


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Field Report # 1 :The British Chick

TEAM PRESENT 

* Bandit

* The Operator

LOCATION

* The Sunny Club for Shady People...Atlantic Seaboard 

PRE-MATCH VENUE

* "Miss My Flight"....Cape Town CBD

THE SCENE

The Atlantic Seaboard is a supreme location for meeting very high quality women. This time of the year is particularly special because one sees a migration of foreigners blessing our shores with their deep need for tanning and debauchery. Myself and The Operator entered the venue and ordered the most feminine drink at the bar.  Flavored rums and vodkas,and strawberry daiguiri's are the usual ingredients. These are used as conversational pieces and not for actual consumption...cause that's just plain queer.  

THE GROUP

A group of 2 girls and one guy caught our attention and the game was on. Common sense tells us that this is an ideal group to approach for one of five reasons 1) The guy is obviously with only one of the girls 2) The other girl is either his relative 3) The other chick could be her best friend 4) The chick feels like a bit of a third wheel tagging along whilst being in the awkward space of watching her friend all over a guy whole night and 5) The guy would be keen to have someone keep his girls best friend busy if he decides that he wants to go back to her place. 

THE APPROACH

I would usually be the one to initiate the conversation with the group, and The Operator would come in later to keep the group busy whilst I isolate the chick I wanted to...ummm..get to know...yeah..

It was still very early in the evening so a situational opener was ideal...As I was making my way to where they were, I began thinking up some solid routines to implement. Just then. I made eye-contact with the third wheel chick, As soon as that happened I waved in a friendly non threatening way. She smiled aaaaaaand I was IN !

I walked over to her and mentioned that she must be a foreigner because everyone in Cape Town knows that its uncool to get to a club this early. She laughed and as soon as she spoke I noticed that  I was correct .She was a 21 year old surprisingly stunning biochemical student from London, she spoke with a sultry Liz Hurley queens English accent. Her bright green eyes were rather hypnotic and he long blond and brown hair made her look quite exotic for an English bird.She questioned why I was at the club so early if all locals knew it was uncool to do so. I just smirked and told her that I was out to meet some gorgeous foreigners....and if she could be so kind to point some out if she see's any. 

That statement was a typical cocky funny way of disqualifying myself as some random guy who just came over to hit on her. While her head was still reeling from my last statement I leaned over to the guy and introduced myself. It is very important to do this because it is only common courtesy to acknowledge the presence of another male, because if he feels uncomfortable with you around. He can very easily lead the girls away from your company.Another important stage of this interaction was getting to know the social dynamics of the group. This is done by asking the guy how they all know each other. He had informed me that they had just met the two ladies at another venue further down the road. It was then clear to me that the British girl was now fair game because her friend had managed to land a guy and she had failed to do so.

Just then The Operator approached with the two queer drinks and asked loud enough for the rest of the group to hear if I had seen Christine and Robz (Makes them think we were there with girls). He then announced that he felt like a bit of a tool carrying around our girlfriends drinks. He then asked the two ladies if he could put the drinks on their table so that he could maintain his dignity for the rest of the night. They found this very funny and off course allowed him to grab a seat.

THE BANTER

Now chatting to foreign women is something I find very interesting. There are always so many topics to cover. British Chick was however very into premier league soccer. This was however a very gray area for me, as she continued to ramble on quickly began to realize that this was a topic I knew absolutely nothing about. So I quickly interrupted her and asked if she had ever had braces on her teeth. She had a quizzical look on her face and before she could answer I announced that I had indeed been to London (Which I have) and I had noticed how aggressive British women are when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. The braces question was just used to completely take her mind away from soccer, and my quick change of topic before her response allowed her to respond to my new question as if it was something we had been speaking about all along. 

The Operator engaged the obstacles, namely the dude and the other chick. I then exclaimed that I thought that is was so unfortunate that she traveled all this way and that she wouldn't be able to dance with me as a result of the fact that British girls were naturally uncoordinated. 

HER INDICATORS OF INTEREST

Indicators of interest are things that women sometimes unconsciously do to telegraph their interest or attraction towards you. 

* She kept interrupting her friend to speak to me

* She literally did the splits to show how flexible she was ( I'm not even shitting you..this girl did this!)

* She didn't mind me touching her body as I spoke

* She looked over and giggled to her friend for approval

* She followed me when I would make false attempts to walk away

INTERESTING THINGS LEARNT FROM BRITISH GIRL

* Most girls and guys in London loose their virginity at age 14

* British girls have a slight complex about how pale they are

* Most British guy under the age of 25 had slept with over 30 different women

* They really don't dance very well (seen it first hand)

* Pronounce your vowels, she pointed out that many men and women in Cape Town don't pronounce their vowels correctly (My response to this was challenging her to speak in an South African accent..which she failed horribly)

THE CLOSE

The whole group of us found ourselves on the dance floor. I grabbed her hand and lead her onto the balcony. We grabbed a seat on the couches and I wondered which kiss close routine I haven't tried yet. The Lying Game came to mind.

So this is how it works. You ask her 4 questions and she has to answer by lying to each one of your questions. You say that if you win that you get to kiss her, and if she wins she can have the silly feminine drink you've been carrying around for the last 20minutes. The fun thing about this game is that you cant loose...this is how it works

1) Bandit: Which City are we in?

    British Chick: London

2) Bandit: Where are you from?

    British Chick: Italy

3)Bandit:......Looks confused..thinks...and waits for 5seconds and asks how many questions have been asked? "cause i cant remember"

This is one of the tricks..if she says you had asked 3 questions then you win...However if she's a smart ass like British chick and catches you out and says that you had asked 10 questions, you then laugh and say

4) Bandit: leans over laughs and says "you're such a cheat, have you played this game before????"

To which she responds with a big NOOOOO, cause she wants to win....Then you just point out that the last thing you had asked was the 4th question, she had not lied which means that you WIN !

This is all quite a lot of fun and you immediately make yourself different from any other goon who approached her telling her about how beautiful she is, and how they wanted to buy her a drink...These guys get nowhere and usually end up leaving the club in their million rand cars upset that they had just been out gamed by two students who have nothing but CHARM aaaand CHARISMA to their name..

So did I close the stunning British Chick???....what do you think ;)

@CapeBandit out !

How Gingers can hook up!

So you’re Ginger slightly overweight and your name is Sean Bavage and you want to meet slightly good looking hood rats and get your mack on. But you can’t cause you don’t know how.. and well your ginger. So what you need is a how to guide to get you through these tough dry ball times.

How to overcome approach anxiety

Firstly you need a massive winki, 12cm isn’t going to rock your hand let alone her world. So you going to need a penis pump, also if you tie a rope around your dong and attach it to a piece of stone the pulling down effect should lengthen it. Also if you’re like Sean maybe you should dye your pubes black, second always go into the conversation thinking ‘I hope I like her’ not ‘I hope she likes me’ confidence kills anxiety.

Proven conversation starters for ANY day time situation

-Did you fall from heaven, cause I’m ginger so we not allowed there, what’s it like?

-Do theses jeans make my hair look orange?

-Do these freckles hide my skin colour

How to keep the conversation going

Once you opened, you got to keep the conversation flowing, so ask her questions, talk to her about jersey shore or something mainstream and shallow keep away from educational stuff, most girls can’t read to good, also keep the topic off your hair so don’t mention anything to do with the sun, Oros or the Ford ST (generally in orange). If she doesn’t spend at least 5 days a week in the kitchen she’s not a team player and you should stop letting her buy you drinks.

How to build attraction

While you speaking rub your groin against her leg, if she doesn’t like it say you had an itch but you didn’t want to put your drink down, also keep speaking about your penis, studies show the more one speaks about the length and Girth of their penis the more attracted a women gets.

How to make her laugh

Ask her about her insecurities then make fun of them for the rest of the night, for example, she says “ I hate being short”. You then proceed to call her shorty, dwarf, midget or Frodo for the rest of the night, it will make her smile and get her in the mood for some ginger loving.

How to smoothly and easily get her number

Ask her for her number remembers to hide your hair at all times.

How to seal the deal!

When going for the kiss remember to go 110% don’t go 90% and she comes 10% that leaves a chance for your ginger like glow from actually seeing you want to kiss her. If you feel your winki get hard pour your drink down your pants and continue kissing she won’t even notice 

Now don’t fear if this doesn’t work out for you with normal women, go find yourself a sexy ginger and seal the deal…..

Come to think of it being ginger isn’t so bad after all ;)

Bear Bass