Sending Nudes Will Save the World. This is how..

Dear ladies, the plight of the world as you know it now hinges on your ability to send a nudie pic from your device to another without disrupting the entire economy as every warm blooded male, armed with a fully charged phone, now discreetly abandons all worldly responsibility in favour of a quite bathroom stall.

Every relationship is said to reach certain key milestones, aaah the first date, the first inside joke stealthily delivered in the presence of the mutual third wheel, the first late night beach adventure where both of you are stranded as a result of someone (not me) leaving the car lights on. Like, listen now, lets be honest with one another for a moment, as guys we are pretty much biologically programmed to develop a life of self-fulfillment,  love, happiness and boobs. So when the request of whether we would like to receive a picture of our significant other in all kinds of compromising positions finds its way onto our mobile device. The reply "Yes" is sent without much thought being given to the rather unpleasant situation which you will now find yourself in.

The conversation would usually go as follows...

"Hey baby, I have a surprise for you..."

[image downloading.......]

[open/save]

[save]

[open]

"You didn't save the pic hey?"

"Nope...of course not:)"

"Now send me a pic"

"A pic...of what?"

"Of you"

"Ummm....ok....just give me a moment"

[end chat]

[delete contact]

[block contact]

"Did you get it?"

"Hello?"

"Hellooooo?"

There is no politically correct way to say that us guys are pretty much useless when it comes to sending pictures that will ignite the fire in your loins. The female form is pure art, art which transcends all consciousness, and when captured in a photograph, the pure essence of femininity becomes immortalized in the hearts and minds of those lucky bastards who chose to click "Open Image". 

Don't Try, Be

In attempting to conjure up the perfect image, we have lost sight of the what it means to be completely kaalgat. When people first began to roam the earth we basked in the glory of our nakedness. The right angles, lighting or let alone camera filters where the furthest thing from our minds. Focusing on anything other than surviving would wipe us out of the gene pool. We were men, doing what men did, hunting, doing badass caveman shit and waving our prehistoric members around to all those who would come in our way.

The female gender embraced their femeninity and were empowered enough to forgo their loincloths, not for the mere enjoyment of their ill informed male counterparts, but to illustrate that they were powerful and able to take the lead in lighting the way on uncharted maps by shining their...... beacons of glory. 

As time progressed, we became soft, and looked to run down and oppress the female gender as we got lost in the catchy tunes of boy bands and silky smooth linens.

As men, we can either embrace the sometimes painful truth of reality or we can decide to live out our existence under the blissful ignorance of illusion. The current juncture comprises of two key options.

1) Not sending a Nudie back

Should you elect to diss-empower your significant other by denying her of the opportunity of basking in your manly manliness, you will be spitting in the face of all those who have stood before you. The heroes of years gone by who stood naked before pervy sculptors who chizled their micro-penises into marble and time, for all eternity.

2) Sending a Nudie back

Once you have come to terms with the fact that your junk will be sent through cyberspace and splashed all over the screen of the recipient, you can now move onto the next phase of your journey. You will need to develop the very best pose which will illustrate your inner caveman. If done correctly, the representation of your inner caveman will arose millennia of pent up sexual energy in your partner.

In closing I would like to introduce to you...

Cavemanning 

The "I Just Invented Fire" pose

The "This Caves Too Cold To Sleep In Alone" pose

The "Soaring Pterodactyl" pose

The sending of nudies could just well save the world from impending doom. As the influx of women receiving less than desirable images will only lead to a rapid reduction of reproduction rates and global population figures will deteriorate into nothingness. Cavemanning is the only way to counter such calamity.

As for the all the ladies, if you need a second opinion regarding your pics, be sure to send it to....

@CapeBandit

"Nice Girls"..The Mermaids of 2012, they will sing you a song & then eat your brains

It was a Thursday evening and the club was packed, the 2012 hail Mary of tracks aka YOLO was blasting through the speakers. A tear ran down my cheek, or that's what I thought it was. It was no tear, the saliva of a nearby barking chick found its way onto my face. Never mind a few shots of patron I needed a rabies shot from the closest SPCA. The worlds most passive aggressive demon eyes were about to be unleashed! Just then, this immaculately dressed anomaly floated past. She seemed unperturbed by any male advances as she made her way towards me. This was it, the hundreds of approaches Iv made was soon going to pay off. A gift to the most deserving student of the game. Obviously, she had seen my dilemma and was approaching to offer her bosom as salvation. Alas, I was standing in a walkway and it was no secret that she had to pass my way in order to get to the other side of the club. 

I noticed that she had been scouring the club in search of something. If it was elegant, sophisticated well mannered human beings she was looking for, it was my job to inform her that her search was in vein. As this strangely aristocratic specimen brushed up against me, the Shakespeare in me wanted to proclaim to her that "love hath made thee a tame snake". 

Luckily my better senses kicked in, as I turned around to question if she was lost. She responded by saying that she was looking for her friends. I did not know who her friends were but I proceeded to sarcastically inform her that they had left, and that they said she should sit and chat with me. We spoke of life's great trivialities and mysteries, before she floated off again I suggested that we exchange contact details and she obliged. 

The next day I had a Cheshire cat grin on my face as I have defeated the odds to actually come across a "Nice Girl" in the clubs. This was going to be the last Hoorah before I retire from the game. I was looking forward to updating my Blackberry status with Michael Bolton lyrics and avant-garde hipster profile pictures. Before any of this could come to fruition I had to send her a message which could get the ball rolling. So I opted to make some reference to the previous night. Her response was grammatically flawless and suspiciously polite. Compliments were noted by a gracious "Thank you." and it became apparent that I was dealing with a individual of exceptional pedigree. I whipped out my Oxford dictionary, tuxedo, top hat, cane and slave as my journey into the age of sophisticated High Tea's and croquet would soon begin. The mermaids song had been sung and I was hooked.

 

I was smitten, and the sweet trappings of friendliness had blinded me to the obvious doomed fate which awaited me...Queue the bagpipes... I had been seduced into limbo, more terrifying than Davy Jones Locker, a zone which could not be charted nor escaped...A zone known as the......  

Some of you might be wondering exactly what being a "Nice Girl" would entail. If you are reading this after stumbling out of some random guys bed, you might as well stop reading right now. 

The Quintessential Nice Girl is;

* Modest

* Elegant

* Respectful

* Meticulous

* Articulate

* Intelligent

* Dignified

I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I do believe that spells...M.E.R.M.A.I.D! Coincidence? I think not! 

Mermaids just like Nice Girls are mythical creatures who have escaped prying eyes for thousands of years. Many a man has embarked on great weekend adventures to have his name echoed for all eternity for accomplishing the unthinkable task of coming into contact with such a majestic enigma. Mermaids are known to sing enchanting songs to seduce their prey before devouring their brains. Sailors were weary of their existance for their true form was unknown to the common man.

I will now expose a interesting characteristic that many if not all Nice Girls/Mermaids have in common..

They usually only have one friend

If ever they are spotted, do not be fooled. They hunt in pairs and there's a very good chance that her friend will not be a Mermaid, more likely to take the form of a  Psychrolutes marcidus or Blobfish (inhibits deep sea waters and is rarely touched or seen by humans). So it is advised that your crewman keep a look out for Blobfish looking to destroy your game.

"You totally shouldn't be speaking to my friend right now" Blobfish

There is no hope for me, my fate has been sealed. You might still have a fighting chance. Sing songs of my plight and pass this message on to fallen comrades for their efforts would not have been in vein as....

@CapeBandit

Boobs..... Part 2 of 3

Why boobs have such an effect on us

After revealing one of the greatest stories of man kinds history last week on CapeBandits (please see Boobs part 1),we felt it only right that we gave you a week for everything to sink in and allow you to somehow make sense of the lives you once lived prior to the knowledge you acquired. But unfortunately your world as you knew it will once again be twisted beyond the fabrics of your belief as we unravel the second part of this Boob trilogy.

I’m sure after last week you might have been left with many questions? For me my biggest issue was why!? Why do they have such an effect on us! How can something so simple have so much power over mankind!  Sure, they are exquisite in shape and yes, sometimes looking at them makes all the troubles in our lives seem to disappear and yes, I am also aware that their texture is much like that of winning lottery tickets. But there had to be more to it than that! There has to be a reason why they are capable of driving us men to our deaths. And there is. What I need you to do now is just forget about boobs for a second and pay very careful attention.

Ok here we go. If you were to meet a man in a beautiful suit and he drove a bugatti veyron, he had his own skyscraper with his name on it and he ate lobster and salmon for supper.  This man you would say is pretty successful. You’d probably also think that he was amazing and great and you would not mind being just like him. Look how beautiful he looks below.

However thinking all these things would be foolish! Because this man with his beautiful suit, bugatti veyron, skyscraper building and lobster dinner is not as amazing as…..this guy!

Yes this guy. He has two bugatti veyrons, two skyscrapers and eats two lobsters for dinner.  In every facet and aspect of life he is better than the guy you wanted to be a few seconds ago.

So what does this have to do with boobs you may ask? Well it’s simple. It’s the reason we are so obsessed, the reason our minds are wired to destruction, the reason that all throughout history men have continually changed the workings of the earth. This reason is that boobs come in two’s. In every aspect and facet of life two boobs are better than one. Two boobs remind us of success, happiness, accomplishment and joy. They remind us of 2-for-1 burger specials, or 2-for-1 happy hour drinks. They remind us of the man we want to become with two buggatti veyrons, two skyscrapers and two million dollars. All this for the price of one. One women, two boobs. We love boobs so much because they represent everything man strives for in life. They represent a good life. A life well lived full of luxury, money, power, happiness, wealth and success. Boobs throughout the ages have represented this.

Subconsciously when we see them we think of all the amazing things in life that we can aspire to. It’s these aspirations and dreams that are invoked when we think of them and it fuels the deepest and sometimes darkest powers we possess in order to achieve our desires. They are the quintessential mark of what we strive for and they remain as the driving force behind the evolution of man and his successes. It is for every reason mentioned that we as mere mortals must give into the power as we now know and understand why they have such an effect on us and look forward as we seek to conquer them.

Join us next week for the final edition in this epic boob trilogy as we give you an insight into the progression of this very world we live in as we discover how boobs will pave the way to a new way of thinking and ultimately a new way of life in “The future of boobs”.

The Athlete/Model

BOOBS......Part 1 of 3

The History of Boobs

They are some of the most powerful instruments man have come to behold. Men do crazy things for them, irrational things, stupid things. I once heard a story of a man who threw his cell phone into his own beer mug, just at the hope of touching a pair he had laid his eyes on one night (yes beer, and it was a full beer at that). Or even worse a story many of us are now so familiar with today, the old tale of Tybones Gaybatta, a man who gave away all his ability to gain muscle and charm just to grace his eyes upon a pair. We even owe the existence of the continents to them. Men such as Christopher Columbus, Galileo, Jan Van Riebeeck and so many more traveling the seas,  in search of the unknown because they grew tired of the boobs on their land and went out in search of new ones. 

But it seems the power of these mythical enchantments date even further back and the signs are everywhere, some still standing testament to this very day. And one such story eclipses it all as the epitome of the power of boobs. So come with me on this journey as I unravel the splendid mysteries of the greatest story never told… about boobs.

Our story begins 2300 years ago. An almighty man by the name of Azeg had ruled a nation with zest and cunning and towards the later stages of his prolific life he had come to conquer so much land, all the way from the desert to the seas and everything within it, but yet none of this truly made him happy. For ever since his quest for greatness began he always had a gap in his heart, an empty desire he just could not quite understand. But one day he laid his eyes on the most beautiful women he had come to see. Ever. And suddenly that gap he had so long fought to seal, seemed to draw near to its fulfillment. Her name was T’pyge and from that day forward Azeg vowed to do everything in his power to have her. He tried everything. 1000pushups in a row, bench pressing 4camels, buying her the rarest silk linens but all to no avail. It seemed that no amounts of delicious food, gold, jewelry or servants could sway her to bed with him. So Azeg with flames of determination said to himself “Alright fuck this, I know just what to do!” Azeg then said to T’pyge “baby girl im gonna build you a monument to honour your beauty” .

And so it began. Azeg gathered all his slaves and got them working on the greatest, biggest, baddest mofo of a monument that he could think of.  He toiled with architects and designers for months, outsourcing the very best materials of the land and strictly assembling his slaves working them sometimes to death. He was so brutal in his ways that if anyone were to make a fraction of an error they would be killed. T’pyge noticing this will and desire slowly started to grow found of Azeg as the monument began to take shape. T’pyge then said to Azeg, “Azeg when you finish this monument statue I will be all yours to do with as you please!” This only made Azeg hungrier with desire and so he doubled up on the slaves shifts with no after hours pay or any public holidays off. After 25 years it was finally complete, a statue monument so amazing and beautiful it overshadowed the entire city. It could even be seen from the heavens. T’pyge was thrilled when she looked at it and it was more than she could have ever imagined so she just cried, ran over to Azeg and said “I’m all yours!”. Azeg however having worked so hard for so many years on his creation that upon hearing those words his, body which had been struggling along just to reach the end, just fell to the ground and he died.

Nobody knows what happened after that apart from the fact that in memory of Azeg, T’pyge took both their names and wrote it backwards giving her name to the country which Azeg once owned and Azegs name s given to the monument he built for her. Azegs Monument still stands to this day paying reference to the depths a man will go to capture the beauty and power of boobs. 

Below I give you pictures of Tpyge and the Azeg Monument.

(Or as you now may have figured out Egypt and the Geza pyramids) 

It’s pretty clear to see what the monument was of but I managed to locate a more illustrative drawing by Deacon for those of you who still cannot see.

You may be sitting there thinking WTF. Or maybe just crying from memories of similar pains you may have experienced. All I can say is join us next week as we unravel part two of this boob trilogy as we discover why boobs have such an effect on us. 

The Athlete/Model

Valentines day!

Well.......yeah..that's about all we have to say about this particular day...

Glad that's done!

The Philosopher