Based on a True Story.
The parking lot was filled with the buzz of florescent lights. The digital watch on the dashboard, flickers the time, it reads 20: 50 pm. Young lovers stroll past the car oblivious to the impending doom which had almost been averted. Fixed eyes remained locked on the entrance of Cavendish Square. Although calm, his pounding heart reveals that the years of training had only left him ill prepared. His lower back still strained as a result of the trauma which it had been subjected to, he bites the pain to reach for his mobile phone. He manages to dial the number, it rings. Before passing out, he faintly utters his last words....."I just shat my pants".
2 Hours Earlier:
The sounds of iron hitting the ground, filled the chlorine tinged air of the Virgin Active gym. He had to push through his last set of bicep curls. A smile swept across his face as he caught the reflection of glimpses of other admiring gym goers. Tonight was the night he had been waiting for, all the hard work will finally be paying off, and blowing off some steam just before his big date was just what he needed. The flashing red light of his blackberry alerts him to the fact that he now needs to finish up his session. The need to look good far exceeded the risk of being late, and he continued his workout whilst tossing back a few more chocolate flavoured protein shakes.
1 Hour Earlier:
A new Cotton On v-neck had been the order of the day and a fitted jeans with new shoes had sealed the deal. Biceps were pumped, clothing looked sharp, and he was ready to go. A quick glance at the latest news had ensured that he had enough ammo to destroy any awkward silences. Motivational audio tapes played in the background and a new pine scented air freshener dangled from the rear view mirror as our hero made his way to the mall. He knew that his date had been dropped off and looked for the furthest parking bay available. This was done in the hope of ensuring maximum amount of hand holding and occasional boob grazes.
30 Minutes Earlier:
There she was; a name gasped in the night, the one last word of a dying man, but one word that tells a thousand stories, a woman, who left her mark on everyman she met, she had more to offer a man in a glance than most women give in a lifetime, she knew what she wanted, and wasn't too particular how she got it, loving her was like shaking hands with the devil, and our hero was under her spell.
The movie was about to start and there was no need to rush for seats, as bookings were already made in advance. An opportunity such as this was not to be squandered and nothing other than strategically placed Love Bird seats would suffice, the absence of the arm-rests once again ensured a maximum amount of hand holding and potential boob grazes.
15 Minutes Earlier:
The occasionally locking of eyes during scenes had been a definitive sign that this was set out to be a date like no other. One could only question whether they had actually paid for a 4D Movie, the temperature began to increase and the ground started to rumble, there was something brewing deep inside our hero. Something beautiful was about to happen. Our heroes date was due to witness the birth of a 5kg chocolate flavoured protein baby. It felt as though a evil menace had placed a bomb on our heroes colon. It was set to blow at any moment.
Suddenly his training kicked in;
Observation:
The moments ticked away and it was only a matter of time before every man, woman and child in the movie theater would be covered in shit. He had to think quickly and this was no longer a time for thinking, but a time for acting. Before any actor can portray his character, he would need to grasp the severity of his external condition. Observation would be key, and after surveying the area. It had been noted that his dates popcorn had been running low. He grabbed the box whilst exclaiming that it was of utmost importance that it is to be filled. After a quizzical look, the alibi had succeeded. A new challenge had emerged. The wonderful Love Nest seats had been neatly tucked in the corner of the theater, and a varied number of innocent bystanders stood between his current location and the closest co-ordinates of the nearest toilet. A game of Russian Roulette was about to be played. If anything was to erupt, their lives would merely be classified as collateral damage. Each shimmy past a innocent cinema goer, brought a sigh of relief.
2.5 Minutes Earlier:
In a photo finish he makes his way to the bathroom. The pack of popcorn gets flung to one corner as he scrambles to undo the buckles of his pants. Just like the calm before the storm, the world falls silent. The sweet sounds of Michael Bolton resonates through the bathroom speakers and suddenly...nothing. Could this have been a false alarm? Was this all just another test by the agency?
Whilst in the bathroom. He thanks the Lord Jehovah all mighty, and thinks it strange how at moments of crisis one turns to pray for salvation.
He then stares at himself in the bathroom mirror after washing his hands. Flexes his biceps and makes his way back to the movie.
Just when his foot hit the second step of the bathroom exit. Satan came knocking, and the roars of the 5kg Protein Baby came back to life. The demon was to emerge from the pits of the abyss to encapsulate and engulf all those in its path. Such vigor could only be held captive by the
sphincter of our heroes anus. As he staggered towards a nearby toilet booth, the psychological pain was subjected to further turmoil as there was no toilet paper in the booth. Tears made its way down his face...time stood still..the flowing of tears..was then met..by the release...of the 5KG PROTEIN BABY !!
Cotton-On Vneck, fitted jeans, socks, shoes, blackberry....parking ticket..
Nothing was spared.
Present time:
Sitting in the car.
Shellshock....
The sounds of screaming soccer moms flashes across the battered mind of our now defeated hero. For they, had been subjected to the sight of a shit covered arsehole galloping across the shimmering floors of Cavendish Square.
No memorials will be held, no songs will be sung. The 21-gun salute will be put to rest.
Only two thoughts now reside in our heroes mind;
1) Is his date still waiting for the popcorn?
and
2) Will this dangling pine covered air freshener be enough to camouflage the smell of defeat?
The End
@CapeBandit
